Monday, October 22, 2012

Whole in the Soul

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over; it became a butterfly.”

- Anonm



That aching feeling of wanting to do better, knowing you can do better, feeling you can do better... but for whatever reason not being able to do better.  For the past few days I’ve been grappling with intense feelings of fear, insecurities, and a lack luster level of confidence.  I know on the surface I may come across as the most outgoing, confident and fearless woman you know... or know about, well today I'm here to tell you the truth.  Everyone who reads this blog is quite aware of my previous war with weight which I've openly talked about in previous posts, those struggles and eventual success is essentially the undercurrent of this entire blog.  With such a huge transformation comes moments of extreme insecurity.  Sometimes those insecurities surface through the sound of a hidden voice, that annoying little something that tells me "you can't do that",  sometimes I hear it in a whisper "your not worthy of all of those good things".  The result of listening to such a voice has been detrimental, over the years I have taught myself how to dim my light just from hearing that small voice over and over again...that voice was controlling who I thought I was.  Not until recent have I been able to clearly hear the voice for what it was and re-trained my mind to listen to the soul, listen to the other voice... the voice of God.  I write this with the realization that I’ve been extremely absent from my blog for a few very good reasons, this one being the most important of all lessons... learning how to free myself from the darkness that resided in my soul.

I think it's safe to say we all struggle with fears, but for me that struggle had been well disguised throughout the majority of my life.  Life as I knew it was masked with the illusion of confidence, care-free happiness, and a "I've got it all together" type of attitude.  Since I can remember I've been regarded as the “funny one” or the “social butterfly”, the "life of the party"... and while those titles where fun and sweet, they were also extremely misleading from the real Myskeshia.   The real truth is I've had a hole... a kind of emptiness, that I've felt in my soul since I can remember.  Throughout the years I've been filling the hole within with a multitude of different things, people, and substances in order to create the outward image of completion or wholeness.  When I was a little girl the space was filled with food, chatter, and jokes, once I got a bit older and headed off to college I filled the hole with marijuana.  The euphoric feeling I felt when, during and after I would get high gave me a false since of confidence that I enjoyed and relished in, not only was I funny... I was friggin HILARIOUS... I could dance all night and for the first time I was getting noticed.   After college and weight loss the hole was filled with going out, drinking and "finding a boyfriend", getting drunk gave me a sense of courage and allowed my inhibitions to melt away.  Once I found that boyfriend the emptiness had plenty of things being thrown it's way, at that point it was all about buying a house, getting married, and creating a home... but how can you build a home on a sinkhole of a foundation? Eventually the truth came to light and my marriage was over, the empty hole needed to be filled again this time with divorce, anger, resentment, guilt, partying, and then back to the mary jane.  Fast forward to today... it’s all gone, the hole is empty again... really empty but this time I'm aware of it's emptiness and I've chosen to feel the hole not fill it.  If some of you have thought "man Keshia's been a bit distant" it’s because I have been.  If I've seem a bit different...maybe a tad bit more meek, mild mannered, it's a pretty simple explanation... it's because I am.  I have gone back to who I was before the hole, learning how to live again only this time with the emptiness, allowing time to fill and eventually heal the hole and becoming whole once again.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Unspoken Words

So I sit still and listen
As God speaks
I pull myself into myself to find him in back of me
Supporting me
Arms wrapped around me
I listen to his words but he does not speak
Word he needs not use
He whispers thoughts into my mind
Nudging me gently to a place of calm
shhhhhh....quiet down
Whispering thoughts to the me that you do not see
He does not speak to the flesh of me
the human me
the me with blood pumping
moving through veins to muscles and around bones
No
He does not speak to the body
chest with ribs protecting my heart and lungs
spine supporting stomach liver and kidneys
No
God whispers to the inner me
The center of me
The humming buzzing illumined light that is
me
The spirit inside...
within and throughout where the real "me" resides.
The me that has been alive since the beginning of time
When God speaks there
That's when I feel
Him
My Grandmother called that feeling "your first mind"
Others call it The Holy Spirit
Some say it's intuition
I call it God
The truth & the all knowing
The ultimate protector of life and time
while in this vessel this body
while on this earth.
Communication with God has become very direct and clear
I stay quiet with attentiveness making sure I hear
the message
The message pulls at my center
tugging at me like a string
Behind my back I can feel
the tug
a little tug
yank, yank yank
I close my eyes and see the glow from atop my mind
flashes begin to sparkle inside of me
like fireworks behind my eyes
flickers of light in my mind
That's when I know I'm within presence of The Power
So I listen
to him speak
He makes the now become clear
no need for psychics
no need for sneak peeks
Nearing my purpose I feel the power more
Loving my existence here…
wanting to do more…
Feeling the guidance
Doing more in this world we’re in is not easy
Understanding who's speaking the loudest can be confusing
The truest test is tuning down the sound
of the others
Who's that talking?
Mastering the distinction of his voice
Interpretation
Feeling & hearing more than just sound & touch
But feeling the touch inside is more than enough
To know
Where to go in this place
Sit back
take notice
of how the world moves in front of you
Utterly amazing
Who would ever think that a mind a body and a soul connected the by the creator
Without a flaw
abrasion or scar
Just simply the truth of living
Perfection from
Reflection

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee