Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Pretty butterfly.

The journey of life never ends... it's constant... forever moving... like air, wind, and time... and it begins with one step. This journey isn't a sprint... it's a marathon and for most people we get tired and we loose our passion for the run. Life is not for the faint at heart, because to live it with passion takes stamina... listening to your heart, filtering it with your brain and most times taking things at face value. I have been discovering so much about myself the past several months and my journey has touched others along the way. The light that comes from me and manifests itself through this blog isn't something that just happens, this light does not emanates everyday because sometimes I question who I am... sometimes I dim my light. I, like a lot of people, question my own existence... I find myself questioning what my life is all about. Prayers have been answered but then again don't we answer are own prayers by simply standing back and being appreciative of what we already have? We have the power of God within us every time we breath, I listen to myself as I write this blog and notice that I have been unkind to myself... my life, and I have in a sense become my own devil. I often write about balance and trying find balance, well that is not something that's easy to practice. There has been several aspects of my life that I have allowed to get out of control, habits that I've been practicing that are less than admirable, and things that I've done that I'm embarassed to admit. I have not always been my own best advocate. Now I've recognized change is coming but I must first start small with the first steps. I have recently compromised my ethical standards and have taken risks for a high... an adrenaline rush. I can honestly say this type of living must come to an end but like most change I know that this will take some getting used to and it may actually take a couple of tries. I know who I am and I know that once I get it life will only get better from here. See I love Myskeshia, but I don't always show it through my actions... so whats that all about? So to my readers to ask yourself this: Are you really loving **insert name here** and if so how.. and if not why? If you really love you & your life than you will see what they mean by "we are created in Gods image", but if you think what your doing isn't a reflection of the love of God then stop doing it! I hope all of my readers are ready take this journey of love with me, it's time for the butterfly to see her own beauty... this is where it gets interesting. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Sunday, May 23, 2010

In yo' face friendship.

Oh how I love my friends... let me count the ways. I love them because they're not just my friends, they're my family. Back when I was younger I used to try so hard to fit in, being that I was a heavy child that's what I longed for... to belong, to be accounted for and now by golly (shuddup I know that's corny) I definitely got it! My friends consist of not just me but my brother and his wife, my sister -n - law's sister, her best friend from high school, her brother (best friend of my sis n law's sister), his wife, and his best friend (who is also married to my sis n laws sister), and everybodies homegirl, everybodies homeboy, and myself. We are an extremely close knit bunch and we're also aware that the type of friendship we have is special, we could seriously be a reality show if we were so lucky. We reflect similar qualities within each other such as: intellect but also the quest to learn more... spirituality... entrepreneurship... cultural diversity. As a group, we believe in looking and feeling good so we try our best to take care of ourselves, as the saying goes "if you look good you'll feel good". My friends and I really enjoy the heck out of each others company but contrary to normal practices we don't have to speak to each other everyday and sometimes we go months without seeing each other, but when we all get together... it's the real deal... it's the truth. This type of friendship is like a black diamond, extremely rare, precious, and holds value beyond belief. The reason why we love each other so is because we know the level of our friendship requires us to elevate every relationship, it sets a certain standard for anyone wanting to love us, that person must definitely come correct. When I was single I tried so hard to "find" a boyfriend... as if he could be found, I wanted to have a guy to bring to dinner when I got together with all my friends so that I could have someone to cuddle with, someone to dance with... a companion. Yesterday was the first time I realized this is quite a tall order, ultimately no matter how strong of a guy he is he will have to be confident enough to blend with relationships that have already blended so well. See my friends and I have been together for 10+ years we participate in each others lives tremendously and we've merged together so well because we ARE family. We stand up in each others weddings, we are God-parents to each others kids, and we are the shoulder to lean/cry/laugh on. The reality that hit me yesterday also gave me something to be thankful for, my friendships are for right now my main relationship and for that I must embrace it. I've been on a journey of discovery and healing and yesterday what I've failed to realize is that God has answered my prayers from back when I was in elementary school... what I wanted has been right in front of my face all along. When I was a little girl I just wanted to belong... I wanted to have a best friends... I wanted to have a "cool group" to belong to... now I have it, but more importantly I choose to embrace it...I love it... I love them! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, May 17, 2010

Lessons

Lessons: something learned by study or experience.

The definition of a lesson has become extremely important to me more recently, for every lesson learned, I can understand that not only will I never go back to where I've been but that these lessons will lead me to my future...my destiny. I specifically have learned about my relationships and how they are relating directly to my addiction to food. I had a food addiction, the reason why I say I had a food addiction is because the addiction has always been the issue not the food. I was addicted to food because that was my drug of preference, at that time, but now I find myself going back to a drug of choice that I discovered while I was loosing my weight for the very first time... and that is my draw to destructive and unhealthy relationships. I have lots of friends... tons of girlfriends, and male buddies and relatives that I really enjoy and that really enjoy me. For some reason it stops there, and I begin to wonder why I deny myself the love of my friends and family at times and why do I hold my romantic relationship at a higher value than my platonic relationships? I'm pretty sure I've found my direction... not the answer... but clear direction. I, for whatever reason, feel as though I'm not enough, I know these feelings stem from my childhood. Never feeling good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, it was those feelings that fueled my addiction... and the reason I ate. The awkwardness that I felt and the lack of love (or least that was how I felt) gave me those feelings of inadequacy and hence fueled the addiction to some type of stimulus to comfort the emptiness... the imbalance. Those feelings of "I'm not good enough" is also what gave me the desire to seek undesirable relationships, because if you feel like your less than, you will go and seek the relationship that will confirm those feelings. I've been able to identify with these feelings more recently because when I get any sign of attention from someone of the opposite sex... BAM... I'm in love... or so I think I am. Really and truly that has now become my drug of preference... love, or what I think is love... I'm addicted to love, addicted to the way I think it will be... those damn movies and television shows tell me that... "ohhh love is a journey, it's not easy and sometimes weird things happen, but then all of a sudden the clouds will clear and then your happily ever after". The problem with me is that I choose the men that are not available... I dig on men that already have a girlfriend... I get attracted to men that are hoe's, or that live halfway across the damn country, or my favorite... I bank on the "possibility" of someone elses "potential greatness"...now that's some bullshit!!! Sometimes I wonder is it a wall that I've put up, I mean its not like I'm not a stupid women so why is it that I chase men that don't want to be caught, why is it that I want this crazy challenge? Is it because of those silly movies and television shows that lie to me and tell me that kind of love is attainable? Or is it my own self image that plays tricks on me and tells me go for the "long shot" cuz guess what, if you don't win you wont be that disappointed... hell you weren't supposed to win... hell it was the long shot! Back to what I said... if you think your worthless you seek worthlessness to confirm your thoughts of yourself. Hmmm now this is a revelation! Love & Blessings - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

We Can Change This World

This is a song that I've added to the soundtrack to my life... ENJOY!


Friday, May 7, 2010

RAW.

I often times find myself self medicating in order to deal with certain emotions or feelings, the reason for me self medicating is simply because I have chosen not to use food as my medication anymore. I decided today to stop self medicating because these actions were only going to make my situation and handling those situations worse. With this decision I also decided to take on some emotions, face foward as they stand. This I know will be challenging but in the end rewarding. The emotions that I speak of are very raw and intense emotions because I've been dealing with them since before my marriage, these demons would shake anyone to there core. I am currently learning how to handle my past emotions on the most real and exposed degree. Today I drove by a place that if I could demolish a building this would be it... this place is a planned parenthood, I think its called Access Health Center and it's a place that you can go and have an abortion, though I feel they should be available for individuls, my emotions run cold for this particular place. I drove by there today and bursted into tears, now mind you I think of myself as being a pretty sophisticated woman... but I lost it! Before I was married I had really bad stomach issues in fact I started going to a specialist so that I could find out what was wrong with my belly. The specialist I was going to sent me to have tons of scans and x-rays and one of those x-rays I regret to this day, I wish I wouldn't have gone through with that specific x-ray because at that time I was unknowingly pregnant. After missing my period and just knowing it would come on "any day now" my then boyfriend and I decided to get a pregnancy test and with that we found out that I was indeed pregnant. I decided at that point I needed to speak with a doctor for advice on what options were out there, even though I knew what the end result would be... either risk mental and/or physical handicaps or we could terminate the pregnancy early (5weeks). I felt as if I was all alone at this point, the only person I could talk to was my then boyfriend, who couldn't handle stress on any level, hell he would damn near have a heart attack if he had to fill out a lottery ticket. I had to do it all by myself... I went to the clinic myself... had the consultation myself... had the ultrasound myself... took the pills myself... went through the pain myself... cried myself to sleep... woke up and had the agony of knowing I had just terminated my pregnancy all by myself. That feeling comes over me time and time again hence the want and desire to self medicate, and the reason to write this post so that I can stop that cycle before it begins. I understand that the decision to have the abortion was best decision at that time but it was the hardest most difficult thing I ever had to do. My decision still haunts me to this day and I know my decision to have an abortion is the reason I hold myself back, I feel sometimes that I'm just not worthy of love so therefore I seek unavailable love, difficult love, stressful love. Which if I would just think about it, it isn't really love... it's just a reason to feel. Which is the reason I need this post... I need to feel, I need to deliver to myself what I think a man or thing is going to bring me. I must give myself the love that I am currently denying myself and not because it's a quota to fill but it is a necessity for my survival. Today as I balled my eyes out... crying to the point of hyperventilation, I realized that maybe it's my own preconceived notions that no one cares... that I'm in this alone... that I have no real love out there. Maybe it's my own preconceived notions that this pain will haunt me to the end of my life, that I won't have peace, maybe this is something I've cooked up in my own head... and by thinking it... it is. Well I will say this, today is the day of release... today my raw emotions will be able to start healing, today I will allow myself the love I deserve, today I will forgive myself for not checking first, today I will forgive myself for having an abortion. Without exposing your wound you can never heal your wound. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee