Tuesday, March 30, 2010

A Tree...

I was quickly reading of one of my faves, Deepak Chopra, and he was saying how we (humans)are almost too intelligent for our own good. I hafta say on many levels I agree, we have the power to think and create things, where other walks of life do not have the ability to do those things. A tree doesn't think about whether or not it wants to be a tree, it doesn't have capability to think about if it'll grow roots deeper, or if it'll drink the rain that's falling... it simply is doing what a tree does... be a tree. I also think about how natural life is for me right now, and the only reason why I make things more complicated than necessary is because I over think it. I can remember when I was young I was quite the chatter... always running my mouth and talking to whomever. At a little girl I could could carry on a perfectly engaging conversation with my grandmothers friends, my grandfathers buddies, my moms sorority sisters or my brothers homies. It really didn't matter who it was, I had a natural gift... an ease if you will, with conversation. Which is where my life has lead me back to, easy conversation. I talk for a living on my 9-5 job as well as with my other passions, so there really is no suprise why this is where my life has naturally led to... it's coming back to where I'm most comfortable. With that I also am aware that I will excel now in these fields, I will never limit myself to only this blog or only to writing, but I must take heed and care for the gift I have been given... the gift of gab! This gift will take me into my next phase and will guild me into future phases in my life for sure, because this is for me like a tree taking roots... it comes naturally. I understand there will be a level of effort necessary, don't get me wrong, I also realize that I should relax myself and stay focused so that my energy is harnessed in the right direction. So think about your life... what is it that brings you natural pleasure and see if your living your life naturally in that pleasure. Living your life through your gift will get you through today and catapult you into the blessing that is you! Trees don't think about being trees... they're just trees so don't think about being you... just be! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, March 29, 2010

Dress rehearsal... ugh!!!

I found myself saying this to myself earlier to today… “Now Keshia, don’t be stupid, or ignorant or crazy! You've been here and done that before so you know how the story goes, and you know how you are… so don’t act new!” Basically I make the same mistake time and time again, I end up liking a guy and the guy is unable to reciprocate for whatever reason. Either he is a complete asshole like the rebound boyfriend, he's not a good fit for me and can’t match up up with my needs, desires and my quest for continuous improvement, like the ex-husband. He’s your best friend so he doesn’t even see you that way… like my best friend, or my favorite… the guy is young and you need to chill, and guess what… chillin’ sucks! At this point I have to admit to myself -I am frustrated, sad, depressed and just plain pissed about my relationship or non-relationship situation. Often times I wonder and I ask God why is it that love just don’t seem to love me... and I feel quite the contrary about love, I love love soooo very much? Why is it that love seems inches away from my grasp? Basically why does love seem so damn unattainable? The reasons why these questions bother me so much is because I know I am an awesome individual… a phenomenal woman… a queen, so that leads me to my next question… where is my king? I am at a place and time in my life where I am embracing ever inch of my being and falling in love with myself for the first time and even though my transformation is unbelievable I would really love to share my wonderful discoveries with someone. But then I find the same issue repeating itself… with one exception... my quality has improved (haha...hell yea it has!!!) but still I have yet to feel loves embrace. I've yet had the chance to sink my teeth into love... at least not yet. Just as I'm typing this post I'm realizing that maybe God wants this development period in my life to be strictly within myself for myself. Hmmm maybe God wants me to continue my discoveries alone... heck maybe God feels that if I had a man in my life right now I would become distracted from my focus of balance, growth and personal rebirth. Seriously y'all I am trying to be a patient calm woman but I must admit I occasionally wonder when will it be my turn? I mean... we all know the saying "practice makes perfect" and I am aware that in order to have perfection you must practice, practice, practice… but hell... a sister’s emotions can only handle a dress rehearsal for so long! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Mess=Message

I once heard this from a famous pastor and his words still ring true to me, especially today... "Make your mess your message". Those words are so profound that it almost made me cry as I was thumbing through the pages of my 2009 journals. All I could think about is how messy I truly was and to believe I actually thought I had it all together back then. I thought well I'm the one who's requesting this divorce so I'm not hurting from it... wrong! I thought well yea I maybe in a bad relationship with someone who uses me(the rebound relationship)and abuses me but that's OK... cuz he NEEDS me... hell I don't NEED him... yea right! I thought well I'm unemployed but that's OK... I'm still doin my thing, I don't give a f**k about that job... sooo sad but incorrect again. It is at these times where I look through my journals and realize it was only 7 months ago that I was dealing with such messiness and I look at myself today and how much I've grown. What makes me even more excited is to know that better days are still in front of me and 7 months from today I will be saying the same thing again... boy have I grown. As we get more clarity in our life we realize that life really does improve as we improve... the key phrase is...AS WE IMPROVE. If your not looking for better, not trying to achieve more, not looking at your life as a forever changing event, than you will begin to see your life as "status quo" or "as is"...and sorry to say but that outlook - to be perfectly honest with you... sucks! Lets face it if I didn't want more out of my life I would be a 300lb miserable mess... overeating my way into all types of health issues and ontop of my health issues I would've probably been dealing with even more than just my weight. Relationships issues... friendship issues... employment issues, because it all works together ya know?! When you start to see your mess...recognize it and then do me a favor...shine a light on it, you will no longer want to be in that mess... believe me that mess will start to stink. So I ask all of my readers to look at there lives... check the mess, and acknowledge it, when you have acknowledged it that's called "awareness" once you've attained that awareness then the hard part is done... and the best part has yet to come! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, March 15, 2010

Embrace...

This weekend I attended several events and in doing so I noticed something about us women of today. We don't truly embrace being the women that we are, sometimes I think we even fight it. Look I'm not saying that I'm some type of guru when it comes to fashion "to do's" and "not to do's" or an authority... but one thing I know for sure, and that is I love being a woman! I remember when I was a little girl not wanting to where pants because I thought they looked too frumpy, imagine that a 5 year old knowing what frumpy is. Today I take pride into everything that's on my body, and when I say everything I really mean that... I like my panties to match my bra if I can help it they will match my outfit, is that bad? I don't think so... I just really love being a woman! I love putting on make up and perfume and a bra (yea I said it) I love wearing sexy pajamas, or at least super cute ones... is that bad? I don't thing so. I feel that part of loving my womanhood is actually allowing me to love men more (as if that was possible) but in a different way. I like a man to take the lead, I like a man to let me fall back... but by doing so I feel stronger in having his back. This is something that's very new to me and I am thankful for this discovery, now I still need to practice being fully this woman. When I say I need to practice I mean I still must learn how to be a lady with my man. Even though right now I am single I still need to practice this with other men in my life... learning how to fall back. I realize as woman we have made many strides on equality and wanting to be strong independent women, but for me I want to feel like I'm being taken care of sometimes... is that wrong? I don't think so. I want to be held, I want to be caressed, I want a man to get the door, to get the chair, to drive. I want my man to be my man! Period. Is that wrong? I don't think so. So we shall see what happens on this new discovery, but as they say in church "God knows the desires of my heart" and my desires have been pretty well established. Lets face it I am a sexy, strong, and beautiful woman and in that I desire to attract the same... a strong, sexy and beautiful man... now is that wrong. I don't think so. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Life is too short... NOT!

I am anxious... hmmm this feeling of anxiety is due to a feeling like I am ready, ready for what you may ask. I am at a point where I know my purpose and that is to continue writing my blog and heal from the wounds that we all in some way shape or form collectively share. I am feeling as though I'm ready for love, is it time to fall in love... I think it is... hell let's be honest I don't know! The last time I said I was ready for love I really wasn't, so now I wait, wait patiently for the universe to tell me... better yet show me that love has arrived. Maybe I feel this way because I'm a woman...I mean let's face it as women we have an innate desire to be comforted by loved ones, desired by male companions, and embraced by our family. This is just who we are as women so I cherish that part of who I am and keep it moving. Maybe I feel this way because I haven't had sex in over 3 months (yes 3 looooong months) whatever the case may be I'm feeling this anxiety for now so lets just say it's due to love or lack there of. I had mentioned earlier that the last time I felt as if I was ready for love and thought I wanted love to enter my life I ended up married... and now I'm divorced... soooo so much for "thinking" I'm ready for love, right? Deepok Chopra says when we force ourselves to live within the constraints of time it is unnatural and we are actually going against our bodies, along with that he says our cells and atoms live and exist without knowing about time they simply exist. Dates, time frames and keeping time evolved as a method, discovered and designed to make things more logical so that our society could function smoothly, as we became civilized humans it was a necessity to keep time because without "time" our lives would exist in an unorganized and chaotic fashion. Today we have misconstrued the essence of what time was designed for, we have all the time in the world and we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. Basically as people we don't necessarily have to "get it in" just because we think we are running out of time. The question still remains... how do I remain patient for love, and not become ridiculously frustrated & anxious by waiting? How do I manage being single without male stimulation... basically ya'll... how do I not settle and still remain satisfied? These questions I often times find myself pondering and I'm sure many of my followers ask the same questions... how do I except were I am as a single woman and feel satisfied at my current status, even though I yearn for male stimulation? The answer is easy... there is no such thing as "life's too short" now I'm sure most of you are smirking and saying "really Myskeshia?"- yes really. I say to you life is not to short... life is today, it is nothing more than right now...your current situation is your situation. Whether you are single, married, divorced, or looking for love the fact is you choose, we have this second, this minute, this day to make it the best. So when I "thought" I was ready for love what I really was ready for was a wedding and that's exactly what I got... a beautiful wedding. I didn't realize what I truly desired and desire is a satisfying love, a sumptuous connection with a man... and for that man to potentially be my life partner. I wanted and still want more, I want a deeper richer type of love, sure my thirst was quenched for the time being but I didn't get the satisfaction my heart was seeking. Think of it like this... I desired ice water in a pretty glass with a crystal straw, yummy crisp taste and big fat ice cubes floating in it to insure it was ICE COLD. Now what I ended up with was water... period, the water wasn't cold it didn't have fat juicy ice cubes in it, it wasn't in a pretty glass... hell it didn't even have a damn straw... it... was... water... room temp. Now I'm not saying this to cut down my ex husband I'm simply saying our relationship (not him) was room temperature water and in that moment I was simply tired of being thirsty! I know this sounds shallow but thankfully today I am heading in the right direction, now I'm not saying I have it all figured out but I can identify with the thirst quenching feeling I desire in a relationship, so if the thirst quenching relationship is not revealed today and right now than I am happy with my current situation. I'd much rather be single than settle for just room temp water. The reason my everyday is a day of happiness is simply because I am living an extraordinary life right now... single and extraordinary because I have the opportunity to do what I love. Writing my blog and sharing my life with others to such a degree that my followers can find a connection with me and what I'm experiencing. My posts bring me such joy, joy right now, joy this minute, joy this very second. Tomorrow will happen the same way today is happening... right now, but today is happening right now -right now and that's really what matters the most. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, March 1, 2010

Miracles

"Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle." - Albert Einstein. If you don't believe in miracles please raise your hand... ok for those of you who don't believe in miracles I will show you a picture of myself from 10 years ago and I'm sure if you didn't believe in miracles before you would certainly believe in them after. Even still I know there are cynics out there who will still choose not to believe in miracles and that's ok. Often times when we think of a miracle we think of what's produced, we believe the product or thing is the miracle... shhhh don't tell anyone but that's called the "effect". I'm sure all of you have heard of cause and effect, and with that you understand how it works: drop a rock in a body of water and the water will then ripple... dropping the rock is the cause, the ripples are the effect. When miracles happen in our life it's not the physical wonder that's the miracle, that is the result... the after... the effect. The miracle is the decision to throw the rock... the before... the cause. I have had numerous miracles take place in my life, not just one but several throughout my life. My weight lose for example was a miracle, not the physicality of losing 100 pounds... that was the effect, but the desire... the shift in my mind... the moment I saw myself deserving better... THAT WAS THE MIRACLE. I have had other miracles- some with relationships, the decisions to treat others that I had relationships with better. With my ex-husband I had to make the decision to treat him better... I decided to love him more, even though we were no longer together I didn't have the right to treat him like a no body... that decision was a miracle. I finally realized that his intentions were pure, even though it didn't work out between the two of us his intentions were founded in integrity, he was honorable... so for that he deserved to be treated better... period. The moment I decided to be a better ex-wife to my ex-husband, my life began to change... I finally found work, I had been without work for over a year and finally I was gainfully employed. The miracle of treating others the way you want to be treated is a statement that deserves more revere than we give it. Simple statement but so true. If we began to treat everything as if it were encrusted with diamonds I think we would all have much more to appreciate. The miracle of life is so much more than our conception, development, and birth... the miracle of life is daily, ongoing, and a forever changing event. Miracles happen everyday, and in every way... today I write this post due to a miracle, a thought. The post is the effect (which is pretty awesome) but the real miracle was the spark of insight that caused the writing of this message... the thought that I had and the fact that I wanted to convey that message to my readers. I haven't come this far with out the miraculousness of life taking place... it is something that is real, it is something that I know is true, my life is a miracle and more than likely so is yours. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee