Saturday, April 24, 2010

Superhero strength

This week I was thinking about the day I became a member of my church and more specifically why I wanted to join on this day. Now everybody knows I'm no pastor nor do I preach, but the message spoke on that day gave me a certain type of confidence in myself that I had never felt before. On this day I had a confidence in living again... a confidence that I could achieve far more than I had achieved up til then. This new found feeling of confidence was amazing! I finally believed that I had limitless possibilities. That belief felt like a tickle of the future, a strange essence tingling up my back.

I believe God whispered to me that that day, he whispered a promise that if I thought this was amazing to just wait. That day I felt I knew my future was really all up to me, my thoughts, my beliefs and ultimately my faith in myself. That whisper has lead me to this place, a place of peace, understanding, and patience, it is something new... but I like it. I went into work with the renewed feeling of confidence I was uplifted because today I knew I was unstoppable, I knew that whatever I wanted was going to come to me... eventually. This new super power is the power of patience, one of the most powerful qualities to posses. I mean if you look at it almost every religion feels patience is a quality that even the masters have trouble mastering. If you can control the virtue of patience, you will conquer whatever is in front of you.

Think about it if Michael Jordan didn't practice patience he would be running a gas station because he would've given up when he didn't make the basketball team in high school. If Barbara Walters hadn't practiced patience she would've quit her job on the nightly news due to the sexism and criticism she encountered. If Barack Obama wouldn't have practiced patience he would've thrown in the towel when the media found out about the Jeremiah Wright video's. Patience is kinda like that thing that super hero's must drink order to fend of the "Evil Side", it's the thing that you must posses, like a weapon, because if you don't you will give in to defeat.. and hell who ever wants that. The defeat of living an unfulfilled life, the normal, I mean I don't know about anybody else but I love my crazy, fun, off the wall, intensely passionate life! So lemme just drink myself a double shot of patience so that I can endure, enjoy and love right now, knowing that eventually I will capture my intended destiny!

Love & Blessings.
- Buttaflibabee

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Void... really?

Today I read my daily "Message from God" on facebook and it said... instead of shutting my eyes to my problems I should open my eyes & heart to them for this is how you will face and conquer those problems. In reading that I began to think about my own problems, which problems I've been able to conquer (or at least in progressively conquering)and which problems I'm still closing my eyes to. The first problem I began to think about is my fear of success, I have talents that are definitely gifts from God and yet I have so much fear inside of me that it's a shame I am not allowing these talents to flourish. The next problem I've shut my eyes to is the fact that there is a void in my life that I still feel the need to fill with "things", whether those "things" are food, men, alcohol or sex I still turn to "things" to provide a level of fulfillment. I used to be a compulsive eater and I remember when I was in the thick of my compulsion I would literally go unconscious while I was eating... I would then wake up after the fact with half of a cake gone or five pieces of pizza devoured, I would be dazed and confused not remembering how I got there. Now this desire is taking a different form, sometimes it's lust... I have such an insatiable appetite for sex that sometimes I get caught up with wanting it like a drug... but what void is that filling? At one point the desire took the form of alcohol and going out, I wanted to go out all the time, get drunk and just have what I thought of as fun, even though- much like the food, I would wake up not remembering the so called "fun" I just had. I now find myself back to lust... lusting men that really should not be on my radar... not because they're bad but because they are just not right for me, either we don't see eye to eye on matters or they're life is just too complicated for me to try and figure out. I sometimes find myself wanting to force myself into their world, even though common sense would tell me to just leave it alone, walk away and just be at peace. Whatever reason I find myself lusting... lusting after this so called "relationship thing" that everybody wants. I can't deny that I want to be held, comforted and loved by a man that can handle me, my mouth (I talk a lot), my strength (I'm pretty tall, strong, and direct), and also my compassion (I can be a cry baby). I can't deny that this void that I feel is manifesting itself in a desire to have a relationship and therefore I am desiring undesirable relationships. Why? I don't know... that is the question. Whatever my void is, whatever that quest maybe, the simple fact that it has been acknowledged will give me peace in releasing it to Gods hands. Ahhhhh I feel better already! Love & Blessings. -Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Hot Mess.

Man sometimes you feel as if your gaining ground in life... and then you turn around and realize... not so much. I'm feeling this way particularly because even though I know my life's in a better place I still feel as if I will never get ahead. If I could pick up and take off, go somewhere and just start all over I would. The reality of my life right now doesn't feel too awesome, and I find myself thinking about it ALOT, trying to think of a way that will improve my situation... but in the end I've come up with nothing. Today I'm reflecting on several aspects of my life and today I'm feeling those areas in my life can be appropriately titled... a hot mess! I am currently living with my parents because I decided to get a divorce and come back to myself, I decided to live my life as it was intended. In doing so I had to move back in for financial reasons... but still I am a 30 something year old woman living with her parents... hot mess! The other area I've reviewed in my life is the fact that I am attracted to and desire unavailable men. These men are "unavailable" either due to distance, their current relationship baggage, or they're just not right for me... hot mess! Maybe the reason why I'm so down today is because I feel stuck... stuck in a situation that looks & feels like there is no end in sight. The feeling of being stuck gives me headaches... body aches and opens the door to waves of unhealthy behavior. I just feel like screaming, crying, and pulling my hair out all at the same time now that's a HOT ASS MESS! I know most times I have something super positive to post, but today I don't, I say that without apology because we are all human and not so positive all the time and for me I'm going through one of those times. To my readers this is the reality of life... sometimes it sucks... or should I say sometimes it feels like it sucks, and for me today this is one of those days. I'll get through it, I know I'll be better tomorrow because I know this is simply my feelings today, the goal is to keep my emotions in perspective and my habits in check. Even though today feels like a hot mess I know it could be hotter and messier and for that reason and that reason alone I'm thankful. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Clarity.

Thank God for clarity... not to be selfish but if clarity was a commodity I would want ALL of it! I seem to talk about this often but tonight I have an amazing sense of clarity, and in the most relevant and substantial place in my life... relationships! I've realized how to avoid getting mad at someone just for being who they are naturally. The simple fact of the matter is that people may not be as close to you as you want them to be... it's a simple fact. Some relationships are just chilled, you like hanging out with that person, that person likes hanging out with you... no big deal. Then you have other relationships that take effort... seems like it takes an act from God to make things flow, but once you get it together you wonder why you stayed away from each other for so long. Some people, on the other hand you have to come to the conclusion that you just don't mesh well with that person... nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with the other person, it simply is what it is and that's ok. Today my clarity came in the form of realizing that sometimes you aren't going to be what you thought you were going to be in some peoples lives, and this acknowledgment can come as you wanting distance from someone or someone wanting distance from you... either way... even that's ok. When someone wants distance this decision can cause tension stress an anxiety from the person wanting the break... they get frustrated... start loosing focus... and stop listening. What we fail to realize is that most times that person is experiencing the highest level of stress simply because they are aware that it's time to go. Then you have the other side where your the person that is being pushed away if you have clarity on this side of the coin you too will hold a level of tension because attempting to find the strength let them go... and not go back... and that is equally as tough. I've experienced both issues and neither were a cake walk but I made it through. Now I understand how to walk away without regrets... and how to leave without guilt, both substantial in my life and both teaching me valuable lessons... both getting me closer to my intended existence. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Finish.

So when does following your passion or your dream become blind faith? Sometimes I feel that when I really want something... I mean really want something I find a way to wish it away, I've done this throughout my process of weight loss, relationships and jobs. It seems like when I want something and I find myself moving toward it, for some reason I have a glitch... an itch if you will, and wish it away. I'm so confused about this defect, or feeling, confused enough that I find myself pondering it often, this reaction is something inside of me that presses a "jinx" button and then for whatever reason I kill my chances. I can recall having my first real job, I was doing phenomenal in the beginning it was like I was a superstar and then all of a sudden things changed instantly... pressed the jinx button... damn. With my weight loss, I was losing like a maniac, melting you could say, and then for whatever reason... pressed the jinx button... damn. Now some people would say that it's my mind, or my own self doubt... whatever it is, I get really close to achieving my goal and then I stop having faith in myself... I press the jinx button... damn. I'm really confused about this emotional defect I seem to have quite often, this reaction happens often enough where I blog about it... frequent enough that I can identify with it... and heavy enough where it makes substantial shifts in my life. Now the question is how do I manage it? This emotional reaction is apparently such a strong enough feeling that it will not easily go away... so again I ask... how do I manage it? Live in the questions and that's how you come to the answer... I gotta tell you living in the questions is sometimes a difficult thing to do... so I persevere live in this question of why I have such strong feelings of self doubt and self condemnation. Hmmmm... can't wait to discover the answer to that... and begin a life of no doubt and total self love. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

City single.

Finally I think I know what time it is... it's time to be single. At least for right now. I think I've been fighting this thing called "single life". I definitely think I've been resisting it, and now... at this point in my life... I GIVE! So now the question is: will being single be really that bad? No. In fact it will be pretty sweet. I'll have no obligations to anyone but myself, I can travel, come & go as I please. Again I ask... how bad can that be? I mean let's face it, I'm a hot, classy, sexy, and extremely sexual woman. The way I look at it...I won't have a lonely night, unless I want one. In fact I think this is going to be pure dee fun. I mean try and see it from this perspective, for once I get to see what I want in a man... I get to taste test if you will... take a few samples home and see if I like the results...hahaha! Men have been having this freedom and fun for years and society doesn't say a thing about it... so what if I'm in my early 30's... so what if society thinks I should be thinking about children and raising a family. The way I feel is... hell, some people are just not built for the direct route... some people are meant to be single... some people are meant to have a less traditional path throughout life. I think most of my readers know me, and you could safely say that I am anything but traditional! I'm excited to see what happens in my life... I'll be moving to Chicago soon, friends are already excited about staying at my place... I love parties so lets see what happens... ouuuuueeee wweeeee GOOD TIMES! Never would I have thought I would be ridiculously happy about being single but I must admit... I'm super stoked about it. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Change is a'comin!

This weekend brought me quite a discovery... I am actually comfortable with my life... life today... life right now. I still have some reservations about my naked body, but today I feel good about my underware clad body... now thats what I call progress!!! I used to be so ashamed of my body, hated the way it looked, even going as far as posting it in a blog a few months ago. I talked about how I cringed when I looked at myself naked in the mirror, how I questioned God on why I was born fat... what a difference 2 months make. There is an air of confidence that I can't deny has captured my spirit, today I took a look at my body and am pleased, now a lot of that pleasure comes from looking at my body and seeing a significant difference. Get that, my body is looking pretty awesome, this body has come with, no doubt, a level of dedication so there is no surprise the change in my body was going to happen. Hell I've been working out damn near every day, and doing things I never would've thought possible, shoot I never thought I would be going into the gym to and doing a half hour on the stair climber... yea, a half hour! Of course eating right has been vital in changing my body but not because I want to loose 20lbs but simply because I know my body deserves the best... my body has the right to go back to the body it has been all along. For a long time I separated my body from my soul, for some reason I thought I was at war with my body... I was sad and depressed that I had disfigured it... but look at my body today, changing shape, and why, because now I love this body, I love my whole being no longer is my body going toe to toe with my soul & persona. See for a long time I thought changing the shape & look of my body was never going to happen... yes I thought this would never happen... NEVER! So this discovery is an amazing thing... this discovery is pretty much going to be the trigger for my life... the thought of: "if this change can happen then what else is possible that I thought was impossible?"- well we'll have to wait for the answer to that question as it's revealed. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee