Thursday, July 29, 2010

My new routine.

To love that which has brought you pain is difficult, at times we seem to reject the very nature of who we are. I find this most evendent in my daily routine, I wake up, I thank God, and right before I take my shower the love feast of self... ends, because at that point I am faced with my body. Not until maaayyyybbeeee 2 months ago did I accept my body, not until this month did I like my body, and not until this week am I loving my body. To love what you thought of as the unlovable is so real for so many people, how it's interpreted is what makes us different. For some of us it's loving that person you've hated, for others it's loving that child that brings you sadness, but for most it's loving the person you wake up with and go to bed with... not your husband or wife... you. When I finally looked in the mirror and gave thanks for my body my soul began to change... I came to the conclusion that the only way I would break free and gain peace with my past was in loving every inch of my body... now. My body has brought me so far and has been a real trooper through the 300 lb. period in my life so why wouldn't I be thankful and love it?  My body is ideal... it's mine. Most of my readers have read that I plan to having a series of surgeries one of which includes a full body lift, but before I do that I must be comfortable enough to not need the bodylift. The bodylift is for my soul... simply put, my soul deserves it.  I have maintaned my weight successfully for 8 years, sure I've gone up but for the most part I've maintained.  What I want my readers to understand that this is new ground for me... a new routine... I become aware that my body is something to show off. I have recently declared to my Facebook readers that I am now out of Lane Bryant, this declaration was for myself as an acknowledgment of my success, and yes... my pride.  I believe if all of us simply look at our accomplishments, delight in it and accept the success, but also take pride in moving on from where you were... to where you are now we would find our daily routine not so routine... our love for "body" melting into our love for living. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Deletion leads to Completion.

I used walk through life and look at television, movies for what's next... I read books, newspapers & magazines to see what's hot in entertainment, what celebrities are wearing, buying & doing. This all came at a cost when what I saw I also wanted, thinking that for some reason that item, person, or image could also bring me happiness. I felt and feel this way from time to time, and lets face it, until my life came crashing down in summer of 2008 this is how I lived & thought all the time. Ever since I could remember I was that girl who thought if I had a cute outfit, a skinny body, and a fine boyfriend... then hell I was "happy". I would feel so rejected when I was fat that I strived to be skinny... and did just that, I knew I had fashion so not so much of a problem there, which meant all I needed was that fine boyfriend.... and I got that. My exhusband is very handsome and would be ideal husband material... for someone else, we are friends now so we understand we were both half-full souls trying to "complete" each other... let me tell you, it doesn't work. Though divorce was hard, understanding my new life was harder, when I lost my marriage and had to, once again, be single... I often times would think- "how do I do this?.... me... single again?... really?... am I REALLY single???...WTF!" At some point I realized it was intended for me to purge... delete... and be with self, at this time I knew God wanted me to understand what I was all about. Soooo right now, today, I am a 33 yr old woman living at home with my parents and I really enjoy it... honestly. In deleting unnecessary-ness I've freed my soul and emancipated myself from what I thought of as happiness. I lost my marriage, my job and my house all at the same time, I gained about 30 pounds, which means I even lost my "reformed-ness"... my identity, and to top it all off I had to move back home with "The Parents"... but for the first time I feel complete... funny as it sounds. In the beginning it wasn't easy I fought the obvious... hell I was a grown ass child all over again so my independence was in question, and everything I thought I was I now was not, all my "stuff" was now consolidated into a 10x10 storage unit, a bedroom, bathroom, and my car. Since editing, deleting & consolidating the "things" from my life I wake up with just me, myself and I, but the peace that I have is indescribable, I wake up with a much simpler outlook on life... I just do the best I can do... I don't over complicate things anymore. Most of us feel as though a certain person, job, house, or form of love will bring success and completion in our lives... well I'm here to explain it's the exact opposite. Completion comes when you are standing around and it's just you... completion comes when all you have to lean on is what you came in the world with... if you lucky you have family, parents, siblings, but for some it's just you, and thats ok too. If you look inward and upward for completion you will find you already have it, and if you feel like your life is lacking or is empty there is absolutely nothing... I repeat nothing that will fill that emptiness but you. To put it simply... halves never make a whole, no matter how many "halves" you have. .... Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Head bunting=Meeting of the minds

So, this weekend was an eventful one for me, I hung out with friends and family, and in the midst of relaxing and having a good time I realized how abundant my life really is. Back in the day I felt comfortable in appearing meek, small, mild. Not too long ago I held resentment towards my dad... I couldn't stand his arrogance, I became upset when he would brag or boast about us (me & my brother), or my mom, or our life. I didn't understand how hard both of my parents worked to provide for us so whatever we wanted, I'm also sure my parents had to work on there relationship... that we could grow up with both of them in our lives. Today I realized they did a pretty good job... heck their still together! Throughout the weekend I began to understand my dad and what I'm sure he would much rather categorize as pride... nothing more, nothing less than unadulterated pride. My last name is Leon which means lion, my dad and brother are coincidentally are both Leo's but my dad, more so than my brother, embodies all that a lion is. My dad doesn't walk... he struts, if he's in a hurry he glides... never to break his stance and presence. Early 2010 I found myself struggling to find balance in my life and I couldn't get it... I simply couldn't understand the "my shit doesn't stink" attitude that my father seemed to always have, we always seemed to bump heads because where he saw pride I saw conciete. For most of my life I hated the conceited nature of my dad and others like him, but this weekend I finally saw my father for the man he is... yes, he is arrogant... yes, he is conceited... yes, he can be aloof... and yes, he should be! My father for all intentions believed that he, his wife, and his children were to inherit the world... if he could serve it on a silver platter to my older brother & I he would. My dad fought to prove we were the best thing walking... and he would become frustrated when we didn't see our own greatness. I could only imagine his frustration when I was younger and the worry he must have felt about his 280lb 12year old daughter... that must've been seriously f*cked up! I remember he would beg and plead with me to loose weight, but all I could hear was criticism and hate. I can't imagine as a father what he had to feel, sometimes my dad tells me "if anyone tried to hurt you Keshia I would kill them", he tells me that he would die before he allows something-or someone harm me... but to think that the enemy, for nearly 30 years was herself. He had to have felt like he wanted to die just so I could wake up skinny... but yet my dad had to back off, so that the change could come from within. I think about how I shifted throughout my life... just waiting for things to happen, not really putting forth much of an effort... how insane. Today I lift my parents up for loving me and not giving up on me... silently allowing me to make mistakes and still standing by my side. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Raining or Sunshine... I don't mind.

Living without expectations... sounds crazy but this is exactly how I'm choosing to live my life these days. I want the best and plan on living my life with "soul intentions", meaning I ask the question "what will my soul want me to do?.... will this bring joy or pain to my soul?"... this how I intend on living my life today and everyday. I have begun my search for a plastic surgeon, and coming into this type of decision and also committing myself to this type of change in my life has me looking at the world differently. I feel my nephew has a lot to do with this shift in living, this year my nephew has grown into such a little boy with such a big personality, he exudes joy and humor... what love radiates from me when I'm with him, such intense love. Right now just thinking about his laughter makes me cry... of course not in a sad way, but in a happy way. I think about his little life and I think about how fast days, and weeks, and months, and years go by. My nephew's learned so much, he now can talk and repeat words, he can now walk without stumbling (well not too much), he can feed himself...all of this within a year. I think about when my nephew first learned how to walk and how afraid yet excited he was about the discovery of walking, just think, being able to do what everyone else was doing, I remember how the thought of mobility, was for him, pure nervous energy. That's where I am... I love life, love my body, I breath in the day excited about what it will bring, simply living by the principle of "no expectations" makes living so much easier. I mean- if I'm blessed with my bodylift than great... but lets just say I freak out (it is major surgery), or insurance decides not to cover it (the surgery is cosmetic) and financially I can't afford it, or for whatever reason I just don't get around to it. All of the outcomes I listed could happen, just like outcomes could happen in the reverse... I could be approved through my insurance, I could have an awesome surgeon that will ease my fears. All of the outcomes are variables to what could or could not happen in my life but living with the feeling of "no expectations" is just that... peace with any and all variables. I lived life with too many expectations once, of those expectations I would get my feelings hurt... I would freeze up, I would cancel any positive thoughts because for some reason I felt that didn't happen to me, I focused so much on the the expectation that I wouldn't do the work to get there, then of course, feelings of defeat would settle in and disrupt the pathway to success. When it came to opportunities they were always there and abundant but when it came to having the confidence to succeed in those opportunities, that's where I would fall short. I would allow sucesses to slip through my fingers... I would doubt myself, have too many expectations on the paticular job, or the relationship or, **you fill in the blank**. So today I choose to not give a fuck... I appreciate everything and live with gratitude... but I don't give a fuck about outcomes... I surrender those to God, or the Source, or **you fill in the blank**. Of course I want the best but lets think rationally, you can't control everything... so throwing caution to the wind is when you get the most honest results. I keep integrity I do whats right, but I also say what I feel and feel what I say, at work I do my job enjoy it and I am thankful for the position. In relationships I love everyone, I open my heart wider to my friends... but there are no expectations on those relationships. I want a family but I don't want a husband just to have a family, I surrender to future opportunities of making a decision with a man, a partner, a husband to create a family together. I want a bodylift, a new body, for this life I want to run and not feel things (skin) yanking me down, I want to look in the mirror and not be reminded of my old self... I've grown, I've learned how to walk... so why would I want to be forced to crawl? Wanna to know my favorite part of my day??? The morning, because every morning, I love to get up and see what the day will bring, whether the weather is sunny or rainy, it's a good day. The freshness of the day lifts me up, just like those mornings, I am blessed if it's raining or sunny... I've endured the rainy days and appreciate it for the nourishment it provided. I honestly think I've gone through so many rainy days so that I could show God my reaction to those rainy days. Now God is preparing me for sunshine... so lemme go get my shades! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Truth... R.I.P.

They always say "the truth will set you free"... right? Yes, the truth will set you free but it's not just telling the truth to other people that's important but it's also telling the truth to yourself that will truly set you free. Back in the day when I was my former fatgirl self, I would always tell myself that I just liked to eat, that dammit if it wasn't for Nancy's Pizza (pizza place in chicago)and chocolate cake I would be all good... ALL WRONG! The fact is yes it was my addiction to food that created an illusion and made it seem as if it were all about the food. Once I learned how to listen to what I was really craving I understood that it had nothing to do with the taste pizza and cake. I was craving attention, comfort, and love... love that I thought I could achieve from cheesy & chocolate goodness. I was craving more from life but I didn't know how to get there... that was the truth. See when I looked at the truth with a open heart and forgave myself for loving food more than myself, that was when I was able to heal. I used to hate myself for my past mistakes of compulsive eating, because of course my body had definitely taken a beating from the weight... but the difference today is that I love my fatgirl former self and her body, without living that life and without facing that truth, without going through that struggle, I wouldn't be where I am today... I wouldn't be who I am today... I wouldn't be blessed to share my life today. I have a lot of truths that I need to face... truths that before I look at as being "bad" like I once did food... but food wasn't the enemy and neither are the feelings that I am feeling today. I love... and I feel love, but for some reason I am afraid to admit when I love somebody, I'm afraid to admit that I love myself... and I guess I'm afraid of rejection from others and myself... funny huh? So today I am surrendering myself to love, allowing myself to be loved, giving myself permission to forgive the former fatgirl and loving myself enough to want a new start. See I used to look in the mirror and loath the former fatgirl, struggled to love myself or allow love to enter because I have such a visual reminder of the struggle. This weekend I've decided to let the former fatgirl Rest. In. Peace. It's time to forgive myself by creating myself anew, my mind has caught up to the changes so now it's time to allow my body to follow. I will be having a full bodylift (the plastic surgery procedure that removes excess skin after major weight loss), I have the support of friends and family so now it's time to share the experience with my caring readers. I will be blogging about the consultations and the experience. I trust that there are many people who will experience the forgiveness of self, or those feeling like it's time to move on with life, in some way or another. So lets be on our way today... on our way to forgiveness of self... on the way to a new us... and on our way to love. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee