I think about my former self
During that time she shocked herself
because she knew there was more.
Saving someone else
wasn't enough anymore
The food that once comforted her
was now tasteless
but that was all she knew
She searched for any familiar anything
to get her mind off of this
So she swallowed and chewed
up her emotions.
Digesting the disgust for the life
that was now hers.
the regal lies
the food now rotten
the beautiful curtains now mildewed
If only she saw her own beauty...
maybe she could save herself
but instead she behaved herself.
Somewhere deep inside herself
the gorgeousness that was truth since birth still remained
but no one ever told her... but him
at least not out loud... not. one. single. "him".
So she just kept trying to save...him.
But how do you save someone who so desperately
wants to pull you in
drowning you both as you try to swim
Her comfort came from that place she was told to go
back then... when she was a child.
The closet, quiet, tight and closed in.
She'd rock herself to sleep
feelin the arms of God surrounding her
she'd rock herself to sleep.
Thinking of this major decision
promises she had to keep
Cuz now the drowning had gotten way too deep.
So she kept rocking in the closet
rocking herself to sleep.
At times he would find her there
in the morning
She could feel the bars on her prison
Question after question... of who, of why, how and when
Sometimes the lies the lies
just kept happenin
Sometimes the lies the lies
she felt she couldn't stop them.
All she knew was that she wanted her life back again.
I sit sometimes and think about the person that once was me
and I weep
Separate rooms helped her dream
but it couldn't help her sleep
only the closet could
only the rocking would
so she would go there during the day
while he was at work she would sit in the middle
Praying that God
would make it all go away.
Whispers from God, he would quietly say
"it'll all get better"
So she'd continued
to sit in the middle
while being rocked by God
she would cry & they would pray
for happiness again
to hit the reset button & try it all over again
The questions of the inevitable would haunt her
How would this all play out?
would it be like a movie?
Or maybe a drama full of loud arguments, screams & shouts
Probably more like horror movie she thought
with crazy dark violent scenes
Friday, September 14, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
whispering for me
to do better.
Even if it seems the others
ain't thinkin of or givin
a fuck about me.
I just keep whispering...
"you just gotta do better".
Others that once cared
cared about you
cared about your feelings
cared about your life.
How, did all of a sudden
things begin to suck.
When, did all of a sudden
others stop givin a fuck.
Cuz I brought awareness to their "coulda" "shoulda" "woulda" beens?
the truth of it all
simply brought back too much pain
so I then explain...
"hey love don't be a slave...Be a MASTER!"
Master the art
of your heart.
Understand, God's light
shines in your eyes
not just mine.
See, I was just like you
I'm still like you
Shit I am you.
Just cuz my light shines
doesn't mean yours dim
Praying for you to see the pages in this here hymn
The words written by God before you were a "him"
The courage to live in joy
Feels like jumping off a building into heaven.
Clouds of promise to catch you
soft and waiting since you were a boy.
Sure we don't know what heavens like...
but its got to be good.