Friday, September 14, 2012

Closet Rock

I think about my former self
the thought of her makes me weep.
The sadness of her tortured soul
compels me to immediately
go to her defense.
She wanted to die back then
During that time she shocked herself
because she knew there was more.
Saving someone else 
wasn't enough anymore
The food that once comforted her
was now tasteless
but that was all she knew
She searched for any familiar anything
to get her mind off of this
life
her life
So she swallowed and chewed
up her emotions.
Digesting the disgust for the life
that was now hers.
The glamour of the event soon spoiled... 
the regal lies
that was served on silver trays had now tarnished
the food now rotten
the beautiful curtains now mildewed
If only she saw her own beauty...
maybe she could save herself
but instead she behaved herself.
Somewhere deep inside herself
the gorgeousness that was truth since birth still remained
but no one ever told her... but him
at least not out loud... not. one. single. "him".
So she just kept trying to save...him.
But how do you save someone who so desperately
wants to pull you in
and under
drowning you both as you try to swim
Her comfort came from that place she was told to go
back then... when she was a child.
The closet, quiet, tight and closed in.
She'd rock herself to sleep
feelin the arms of God surrounding her
she'd rock herself to sleep.
Thinking of this major decision
promises she had to keep
to herself.
Cuz now the drowning had gotten way too deep.
So she kept rocking in the closet
rocking herself to sleep.
At times he would find her there
in the morning
She could feel the bars on her prison
closing
Question after question... of who, of why, how and when
Sometimes the lies the lies
just kept happenin
Sometimes the lies the lies
she felt she couldn't stop them.
All she knew was that she wanted her life back again.
I sit sometimes and think about the person that once was me
and I weep
Separate rooms helped her dream
but it couldn't help her sleep
only the closet could
only the rocking would
so she would go there during the day
while he was at work she would sit in the middle
and pray.
Praying that God
would make it all go away.
Whispers from God, he would quietly say
"it'll all get better"
So she'd continued
to sit in the middle
while being rocked by God 
she would cry & they would pray
for happiness again
to hit the reset button & try it all over again
The questions of the inevitable would haunt her
How would this all play out?
would it be like a movie?
Or maybe a drama full of loud arguments, screams & shouts
Probably more like horror movie she thought
with crazy dark violent scenes
It really didn't matter
cuz to her death was the means
to and end.
To her death is where her life had to begin.
No more making her life hell
just so he could have 
his heaven
CPR started that fateful night
til 2am they would yell, fuss & fight
Breath deep sweet child... he'll sign the papers
just trust me and know
it's a long road ahead but at least the journeys now your own
Thoughts of the old me make me weep...
not only because of the drama and struggle
but more because of the success 
Success out of love of self
I think about her in the most loving way
Protecting her heart 
so that she would never see those days
ever again.
Caring deeply for her like a precious child
telling her story or should I say telling mine 
freedom for this soul
freedom for your soul
freedom for our souls 
experiencing similar pain will eventually breed healing
just listen to your inner preciousness
Your life is the biggest gift from God
forever and consistently revealing.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

You.


The night is soft & breezy.
All of a sudden
I forgot all about how things
sucked earlier.
Right now
all I think about is the breeze, that flows through my window.
The wind,
whispering for me
to do better.
Even if it seems the others
ain't thinkin of or givin
a fuck about me.
I just keep whispering...
"you just gotta do better".
Even though
you know
the truth.
Even when
I question
the goodness
of others.
Others that once cared
cared about you
cared about your feelings
cared about your life.
How, did all of a sudden
things begin to suck.
When, did all of a sudden
others stop givin a fuck.
Cuz I  brought awareness to their "coulda" "shoulda" "woulda" beens?
Or maybe
just maybe
the truth of it all
simply brought back too much pain
so I then explain...
"hey love don't be a slave...Be a MASTER!"
Master the art
of your heart.
Understand, God's light
shines in your eyes
not just mine.
See, I was just like you
I'm still like you
Shit I am you.
Just cuz my light shines
doesn't mean yours dim
Praying for you to see the pages in  this here hymn
The words written by God before you were a "him"
The courage to live in joy
Feels like jumping off a building into heaven.
Clouds of promise to catch you
soft and waiting since you were a boy.
Sure we don't know what heavens like...
but its got to be good.
Take a minute
a brief moment
... sip on wine of greatness.
Greatness that will always
and forever
be
You.

Love & Blessings,
-Buttaflibabee