Wednesday, August 25, 2010

She's ain't me...

So most of you know I read a lot of Deepak  Chopra and in his most recent book he talks about how your true self, who you are really, is there inside you but it's the ego or the impostor  that comes out to play when you are struggling within.  In the book there is a man that suffers from depression and in order to get a grasp of his depression Deepak Chopra had him practice an exercise that requires you to address your impostor face on as if it were another human being and tell that struggle "your not me". I, at that point, thought about my blog and what I felt would be a fantastic title (at that time)... "Confessions of a Fatgirl" perfect... but... wrong! When I read about the exercise it dawned on me I was identifying with the Fatgirl, hell I was giving her a title making her the star of the show... and making this blog about her... and how I've come to peace with her.  Well I'm here to tell you... She's not me!  I, of course at that point decided to change the title of my blog which is now titled: "Confessions of a Girl"... that girl being me... not she.  I wrote her a lil note, and you can read it below...


Dear Fatgirl,

I must say... I don't hate you but I really don't like your ass no more, you taking up too much of my damn time.  Seems like everytime I take 2 steps forward your ass wants me to hang out for a minute... so what do I do... take a step back to talk to your weak ass.  Well now I'm here to say... you ain't got to go home, but you got to get the hell outta here! I know you don't have a home but this one for sure is not yours.  I'm exhausted with you keepin up shit... you've made me think I'm weak... you've allowed me to think I'm a no body... but you know what I hate the most?... how you had me fooled to believe I didn't deserve the very best, hell I'm a Léon dammit! I deserve the absolute best... and you know why... my daddy says so. To think, when I was younger you had me convinced I was ugly, worthless, and an over all empty human being... hell no wonder why I ate so much... I was tryin to tune your loud ass out, but it made you louder.  So now that you have quieted down to a whisper let me make this plain and simple.  I know who I am and it is most definitely not you, so with that being said you have over stayed your welcome and you can see yourself to the door... I unlocked it for you.


This excercise is part of my process and you may have just started to desire the very best for yourself.  I hope if anyone is in a time of turmoil this will help you confront your issue head on, if you have a demon or something that your struggling with confront that something on a personal level and tell that issue... you ain't me!  Love & Blessings - Buttaflibabee


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Cherry on top.

So when does faith, or should I say blind ambition become stupidity? I think about some of the things I wished, hoped and prayed for years ago... a house... a husband... a child... lots of money.... career that I loved.  Now that list sounds pretty basic much like what, I'm sure, most people wish for but when it comes to what you really want you may want to scratch the surface a bit more. I have this desire, but it's more than a desire I feel it's my destiny to meet and marry my soulmate, now I know your thinking..."that sounds like wishin for a man again Keshia"... yes but no.  I feel it's my destiny to meet my soulmate not just for a look, or to fulfill what is thought of as being ideal... but to create a force... the  force of:The "fill in the blank" Family.  I want to meet and marry my soulmate because I want to be a mother like my mother and I know I can't be that mother without marrying a partner... a father to contribute all the fantastic things that make up fatherhood. I want a family nuecleus much like the one I grew up in... soooo yes, I am finally admitting to the fact that 1.I want a family (not just a child) 2. I want to love more 3. I'm ok if I don't get it. The difference is in the #3... the fact that I'm okay if I don't get #1 & #2.  Before I wanted the child & husband because I thought that was the only way... now my desire is still there but it's not necessary.  Once I let go of the need to have a family and minimized it to just a desire... a want... things began to change.  I began to look at things and simplified it for myself... sure i want a family but it's a bonus, like a child getting a toy... a bonus... they don't need the toy they want the toy. By no means am I compairing child rearing to owning a toy, but you are choosen to care for the life a innocent child. You see to me having a family is like the cherry on top of a sundae, the sundae's still awesome... it's yummy beyond belief... icy... creamy... chocolatey .... but the cherry makes it special.  Love & Blessings - Buttalfibabee

Friday, August 13, 2010

Earwax

Last night I had a dream about earwax,  as gross as that may sound if you know me you know that dream like a rock star!  My dreams are vivid and movie like and this particular dream had me spinnin because of the absurdity of it all... EARWAX... REALLY?! So I went to my handy dandy dream dictionary (yes I have one of those) and looked up, with the swiftness, "meaning of earwax", they gave me a mean of "listening.. to finally hear... at one point you were turning a 'deaf ear' which made alot of sense because recently I've been thinking about some of my past relationships... all of them.. the good... the bad... and the ugly, post & pre-marriage/ divorce.  As I thought about the silliness I brought into my life by simply refusing to clean my ears and listen to the obvious.  I must say I am extremely happy though to be in the place that I'm in, only by grace, was this possible... only by forgiveness is this attainable.  The relationships that I was involving myself in we're simply absurd... stupid and just plain crazy, but what made it even more ridiculous was the fact that I was okay with being treated like garbage, to think, here I was convincing myself I was better than all that, stronger, tougher than most, I would say..."oh hell naw Keshia doesn't get treated like trash"... well hell yes I did. I pitied myself for a minute but that minute is over now, the pain is over... the humiliation is over... and my ears are now clear and clean ready to listen up to the obvious.  I now find that most things aren't really as hard as we make it out to be... we fail to stay alert, we aren't really ready to listen, most times it's simply because we don't want to hear whats being said.  You know how your mom says -make sure you keep your eyes & ears open for danger- the fact is we protect our self first by listening to our surroundings, it's a way of protecting yourself from danger... it's how we stay safe, like your momma said. My earwax dream helped me realize how much I turned a deaf ear... how much I compromised my safety by not listening... by not paying attention to what was inevitably going to happen. This led me through a period of growth but guess what? Ears are open and ready to listen....haha! - Love & Blessings - Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I Ain't Scared!

Today I watched Oprah... my favorite celebrity in the WHOLE World!!! While watching her show I asked myself something one of my friends asked me just the other day... my friend asked "Keshia what would you do if fear wasn't an option?".  I think about how God weaves people & experiences into our lives for, nothing more or less than purpose.  As I watched O, and thought about my friends questions I thought to myself...why do I fear?  The Oprah show was on 4 young men that were starved almost to death by an adoptive parent... what was that woman thinking when starving those babies, and how blessed are they to have the life they have right now... but I could see why they feared.  These young men feared life, they feared their own "mother", they feared living & life in general, but now their life has changed in an instant... no more fear... yet fear is always present.  Today I faced a simple fear and that was the moving on, accepting defeat, and admitting to mistakes... sometimes I get my mind fixated on what I want vs. what is.  This is something I have bad, I have a hard time... and I mean a really hard time handling what is and living in the simple truths of my life.  Today I decided to carry on without the fear of what others will think, the decision to stop walking around on eggshells because of some stupid idea that was cooked up in my head, instead of my soul, those types of mistakes can cripple and has done just that for a few months.  As one of my favorite authors: Deepak Chopra says,  if you don't feel the warmth of your soul shining through as you flow throughout your day then you are blocking it with emotions from you ego... your ego (or mind) are those protective thoughts or ideas that blocks our true self from eminating through.  Today I said enough... I would beam all day ... so I did... it was a small step... just a lil something that pushed the envelope, but it made me feel good to know that I am slowly get through this fear.  I make mistakes daily but I feel good knowing that those mistakes will never define me, how I move through the mistakes, learn from the mistakes and inspire others to do the same without the feeling ashamed of themselves is what uplifts me to write this post, blog, and tell this story of me... oh... and how I get through shit. Love & Blessing. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, August 2, 2010

Fishsticks

Some of my Facebook friends & family may remember this note from way back... I thought it was definitely blog worthy no doubt... Enjoy!


"When you get yourself ready for a fabulous feast, you get dressed up, put on make up and/or cologne because of course your excited about the feast. You arrive at your special restaurant, after getting there you order the magnificent meal you had dreamt of and you sit in anticipated delight. The waiter/waitress brings you your meal and to your surprise your special feast is on a paper plate... and... its... a plate full of fishsticks!? You look at the waiter sooo displeased because of course u didn't order FISHSTICKS, this isn't your sumptuous meal you dreamt about! So what do you do eat the fishstick and pay? Of course not! Ladies & Gentlemen don't eat the fishsticks in your life, don't settle for less then what you desire & deserve.... get up thank the waiter & waitress and leave!" - Love & Blessing. - Buttaflibabee