Friday, December 31, 2010

CHEERS!

Today as 2010 comes to a close I want to wish all of my babes a happy and prosperous 2011.  I'm sitting here reflecting on the past year and I'm thinking about what a year it's been!  A year ago I was just starting a new job, I didn't have this fabulous blog, and I didn't have the opportunity to touch as many lives as I have.  A year ago I was simply trying to swim to the top to get air, but this year I am proud to say that my life is sweeter than ever before.  I must admit though today a felt a little sad, this sadness came and went in waves partly because the second I felt down on myself I would immediately think of every good thing that has and is happening in my life.  2011 is a big year and I can confidently say that due to the spirit that is shining right now, the spirit of God, the spirit of every person I touch, and the spirit that is Buttaflibabee.  I have so many promises to fulfill for myself and I'm excited about sharing them all with my babes throughout the year on this blog.  My wish for all of my babes is to have a fantastic & safe New Years Eve and lets all join spirits to go after every one of our dreams, visions, & destiny... cheers all of us!!! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Our mission... HEALTH!

I was with a friend last night, well you can say he's more like a life coach of sorts, while hanging out and shopping we were discussing my love and ease into addiction... yea I said love of addiction.  I have been an addict of something for about 25 years at least, and as our conversation continued I began to acknowledge my habits and my inability to cope with life as it is. You see I medicate as a means of dealing with life, the way I medicate can lead to addiction (most times they do) and these addictions can vary depending on the mood, time of month, or what happens to be swirling around in this life of mine. Sometimes my vice is sex... sometimes it's shopping... sometimes it's partying... sometimes it's herbal substances and sometimes it's back the the original addiction food.  Whatever the case maybe there is always something that is required in order to help level off.  My friend in this instance suggested to me to work on finding new vices and new addictions... something that would work in my favor and work for success, something that allows my life to expand versus stand still.  You see I realized instead of easing my tension with smoking a cigarette, I will go to the gym. Instead of leveling off life with my partying escapades... I'll listen to some music and dance, or write write write!  You, my readers, have been with me throughout the "Health Mission" and this conversation with my friend was the start of it all. I won't condemn myself for indulging occasionally into some good times but doing things that will allow me to flourish is definitely in my best interest.  Being kind to your Mind... being kind to your Body... and being kind to your Soul can be just as addictive as a pack of Keebler's Fudge Stripes Cookies or a pack of Newport cigarettes.  Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Sunday, December 5, 2010

You never know...

This poem was written by one of my "babees", she is such an inspiration to me... more than she could ever imagine! I write due to "babees" like her... I do this so that others can know their own worth and understand that life is an ever evolving ever changing thing.  Embrace it all and it all WILL embrace you back!

Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee


You never know
who is watching you as you live your life,
You never know
who is listening as you sing your song,
You never know
who is crying on the inside,
and just wants to know that there is healing after pain
but You...
Madame Buttaflibabee
have bared your soul and not only started healing yourself
but You...

Have reached out
hugged and kissed so many others
and told them
"In time my babees, You too will find peace"
and for that...
YOU ARE LOVED!!

Written by:
Barbette Joy Tucker Johnson




Saturday, December 4, 2010

Melt.

I wrote this poem when I felt love for someone that couldn't properly love me in return. I write about loving this man to a degree where my dreams are surfacing into my reality.  Am I naive? Quite possibly, I'd rather think of it as being open to a truthful experience...so here it is.


Do you know why I love him?
He reminds me of them all
yet
he's nothing like them
He's smooth
and warm
and glowing
from inside to out
Do you know why I love him?
because
he's enthusiastic
and smart
He is oh so humble
and sweet.
Did I mention he was like chocolate?
soooo sweet
Did I mention to you how I love chocolate?
soooo sweet
Did I mention to you that I love him?
of course I did...
cuz I can't stop thinking about him
but
the "right now"
is not our time
but
then again
maybe it shouldn't be...
because forever will be
forever
will be ours
forever
will be chocolate
forever
will be divine
did I mention that I love him?
.... of course I did.

Love & Blessing - Buttaflibabee

Saturday, November 20, 2010

today

today im thinking about this
life.
today im thinking about my right
now
today im wondering if what im doing makes me
happy
today i think about all i've accomplised and what it all
means
today i understand what has led to my
sadness
today i reflect on what hasn't worked and how i've
learned
today i feel I am too precious to except anything
less
today i am beautiful and deserve everything that is
promised
today i am a child of God and will live God's
purpose...
today.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Why the Butterfly???

People often ask me "why do you love the  butterfly so?" and honestly this slight infatuation started when I was around 13 out of no where... seriously.  I think about this gradual obsession and how my admiration grew slow... steady... yet during this time it was transformative. I was amazed how much I instantly loved the butterfly for no real apparent reason.  As I grew older (now in college) I had butterlfy everything... from books, to pillows, to necklaces, earrings, wall art, posters, magazines & clothing.  Even still not until I grew into adulthood did I realize the huge collection & connection I had with the butterfly. You see the butterfly starts as a caterpillar and who likes a caterpillar... I know I don't, do you?! The catch is the caterpillar has no idea it's going to become a butterfly, I mean it feels pretty good about itself... hell the caterpillar knows no different. The caterpillar was born a caterpillar so it does caterpillar things... it's slimy, slow & crawly.  The caterpillar goes through the cacoon stage as just a part of life, it has no idea that when it will emerge back out into the world it will be a beautiful butterfly... no idea.  That is me.  I was a caterpillar, and sometimes I still feel like a creepy, slimy, slow gross bug. I have been through my cacoon stage and I have now emerged.  Sometimes though I don't understand the power & beauty I posses.  Sometimes I think about the gifts I've been blessed with as I'm sure most of you do as well.  I often times think about how I am doing an injustice to God, how I'm sleeping... staying that caterpillar.  I don't realize all it takes is recognition. I simply need to spread my wings,  check out my beauty...and fly.  God has transformed me into a new and improved being.  See we all have gifts,  your gifts are different than the next persons but all blessed with something special and unique... what do your colors look like?  Are you living your life like a caterpillar? Or are you still in your caccoon? Do you know your own beauty? Have you taken the time to look at your colors... the vast beauty of your soul? If you haven't start now, start today, it's long overdue.  Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Friday, October 22, 2010

Tha Truth.

This poem is not as angry as it may appear... it was written due to frustration with a few.  I actually believe it was written out of frustration with myself. I believe in the law of attraction, which means I finally had to admit that maybe I'm not clear enough in my actions as intended. So this is just to make things PERFECTLY CLEAR! Enjoy- Buttaflibabee

Maaaaannn love your lady homie!
...or leave your lady homie. 
Don't know if you love her homie?
Everybody got options homie.
...so why you here talkin to me  
Confused.
If you loved her...
you wouldnt worry about me.
where I am
where I'm going
what my life is like
I'd rather u not worry about me.
Cuz your confused...
 and im not
because to love me require your all.
and I'm not sure if your good enough 4 me.
At least from here it's hard to see.
Ok ok sooo maybe thats harsh
but...
If I loved you, what then homie?
If I loved you
Who's to say you would love me back? 
... or could love me? 
Cuz for all I know
Your perpetually confused ass
doesn't even know what love is?
doesn't even know...
the drug it is.
Addicted.
To what you "think" is "love"
So I ask:
Do you even know how to love yourself?
Do you even know how to be yourself?
Do you even know...
self?
If I was to love you where would that leave me?
just as confused
& under loved
& Under appreciated
& Under celebrated
 & Under deep!
so stay put
 Mr. Dazed & Confused
who wants that?
So love your lady
Women love it when you do
We believe it when it's real
We despise when it's just "somethin to do"
We would rather be "alone" then with you
Cuz...
right now
I'm fully loved...
by me.
Thats what's real.
Thats what counts.
& thats what I have.
Spectacular!!!


- Love & Blessings
Buttaflibabee

Monday, October 18, 2010

Sometimes...

Ok so sometimes this shit is hard... 
tricky... 
and really sometimes this shit is just no fun 
I don't want to grow sometimes...
I don't want to be alone sometimes...
I don't want to go to the gym sometimes... 
and hell to be honest... sometimes I just want 
sex
pleasure
wine... cocktails... dancing and craziness 
I sometimes I want to take up the company of unsavory men
and sometimes I want to make bad decisions 
... that may or may not end in trouble.  
That's only sometimes... and sometimes is only sometimes.... 
I pray sometimes that I stop feeling this way.  
Sometimes I pray that God protects me from myself.  
Sometimes I simply need to sit my ass down... cuz this feeling only comes around... sometimes.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Work in Progress...

Today I walked into work with a different feeling about life, I sometimes feel this way, and when I do I know that I'm in my zone or element (whichever you want to call it) within my own existence. The world seems different... I'm different... and my outlook on life is different.  Today I had a co-worker ask me as I walked into work "why are you so happy?" and honestly I didn't have a proper explanation because I couldn't figure it out myself. So I responded with a shrug and I general explanation. I told him yesterday I realized I need God not in the religious way that most people think, but I needed God and the connection with something greater than myself. In this epiphany I realized not only did I need God but I also needed church, I needed that connection with people... people that genuinely are interested in me being happy with no agenda no hidden intentions... just regular people that love to see me happy.  See I go to a fabulous church, and my pastor is not your ordinary pastor, sure yes he's a christian and speaks from the bible (no doubt) but the way he connects with his congregation is special... unique.  My pastor is a gifted man because he can make the bible and it's teachings simple and applicable in our 2010 world.  He spoke Sunday about how we needed start going all the way with God... not half way... not partial... not meet me in between, but all the way! This message resonated with me because it's been my whole life where "just good enough" has been ok with me and that's not the way to success nor the way to my best. It became apparent that I don't go all the way with anything... I didn't go all the way with losing weight (close but not all the way), I didn't go all the way with my career goals, I'm not even going all the way with my blog (cuz I know I can reach and should reach more people).  In his sermon I acknowledged my short comings... but I refuse to beat myself up about things, see I believe in being kind to my spirit and nice to my soul.  Even though I don't go all the way the strides that I am making are phenomenal and would likely lead me to going all the way more and more everyday.  See that's the whole point of this thing, seeing your life as "work in progress" and understand that going all the way isn't a destination it's a process.  My process can improve but right now I am on the right track... and heck aren't I blessed to see the improvement thats been made and to acknowledge that improvement still needs to be made???  Love & Blessings - Buttaflibabee

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Inspiration to Heaven

Today I was inspired... inspired to keep inspiring.  Today I think about how twisted things can be, but just as you think it can't get anymore twistier it unwinds itself and releases. I really feel that release today.. the release to live the way that God and the universe has designed me to live. I live to inspire, and those that I inspire inspire me to continue the cypher.  The inspiration is to live in beauty... beauty lies in being a whole woman... which is absolutely lovely when it happens.  When you are complete with the knowledge that you are all  encompassing beauty, elegance, power and strength your life turns on and is remarkable from that point on. Now trust me I am in no way saying that I have all the answers but I do know I live in complete wholeness and  I love this journey. I revel in the awareness that the everyday brings me.  With your new found awareness I know there is a thing called heaven and it is in the everyday, it is with every step and it is with every post that my life continues to renew, refresh and grow... through inspiration... from inspiration. Healthy and strong existences is what I pray that all of my readers can achieve, I wish they can reach their own level of heaven for it is a place, but it can not be seen or found by anyone but you. Sooooo friends... trust in your soul, give yourself the inspiration grow in happiness, love, peace... and yes, heaven... you can get there... I know it! Love & Blessings - Buttaflibabee

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Crystal ball: Not Required!

To be perfectly honest I didn't know how to start this post exactly, so I said... ohhhhh what the hell... so here it is! Today was a huge day for me... HUGE (in my Donald Trump voice)! Let me explain.  I have many different "things" that I'm working through as many of my readers already know, but today, unlike any other day I knew how to handle the truth.  To handle the truth, not just to see the it and ya know kinda sorta pay attention, still do my own thing with my own agenda in mind. This time I saw the truth... I digested it... I took it for what it was worth... and embraced it.  I know I've written a whole post on embracing life, but not until you've embraced the truth will you discover and flow of life with ease.  Today I embraced the truth with honest intention and heart felt concern, thats when I could feel my life moving towards it's destiny.  Today and most of yesterday I was in a place where my body knew what the deal was and it was working hard to get my brain on board. For once my body knew what was up and my brain surprisingly listened.  So now today all is awesome because I have finally put all trust in my body... the residence of my soul. Even though it took... hmmm maybe a week for the truth to come out, what I found most shocking was the fact that my body knew the truth all along.  You see I was struggling with this... this... this thing, I couldn't put my finger on it, the discomfort was real and I knew there was something that I needed to be aware of... something that just wasn't where it needed to be.  As I waited I stood still... I got comfortable with me and stood back and thats when the truth began to reveal itself (I hope this is making sense to someone out there).  Now the truth that was revealed hurt like hell it made me cry all night, but in the end the sun came out and love was all that mattered. What do you call that?  Grace.  What I am most amazed at was my ability to listen... feel... and hear what I knew all along.  I've come a long way and am proud of this accomplishment. Call me psychic if you want... mystical some may say, but I simply feel that I am smiled on by God.  You see there's no crystal ball required in life because the truth is always ready to be seen... take a look at it, it's crystal clear!  Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Possibility...

**Inhale... exhale** Deep cleansing breaths is what I tell myself... I am opening up myself to the possibility of greatness, inside & out.  This level of acceptance can be particularly difficult for me due to old habits, past disappointments, and dashed expectations. So now I am practicing how to breath in and breath out with my own existence.... that little thing called life.  What I mean by breathing in and out with my own existence is learning how to love me, the WHOLE me. Let's face it I'm the first to admit I can be chatty, I mean I can talk... but for those who really know me I can also be extremely secluded and withdrawn depending on where my focus is at that time.  This is the rise and fall of my personality.... the Keshia-ism that I've learned how to love, not be ashamed of and embrace.  Yesterday I was thinking about how I was feeling about a current situation that I'm dealing with,  I kept telling myself that I wanted to walk gingerly around this particular situation... that I didn't want to "ruin" anything by being too overwhelming, truth is that I don't ruin anything. In that moment it finally dawned on me this situation, and every situation for that matter- is destined to be. So instead of over thinking it and possibly stifling my own personality I decided it was time for me to do the exact opposite... it was time for me to be that chatty self... to be that big personality because thats who I am... thats the love that I share with the world.  The possibility of were I am right now is exciting and fun... fun because I can look straight ahead and know that I am proud of my whole existence.  When you know that you are limitless then the possibilities of your life begins.  Today I don't blame myself for past failures, in fact I blame no one because it just is.  Life is the inhale and exhale of it all... a growth process a learning experience that is beautiful and purposeful as long as you open up to the possibility of everything. Damn thats awesome! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Friday, September 10, 2010

You Look Marvelous!


Last week I was working out at the gym and I heard a story that made me weep... really... I was crying on the elliptical machine... seriously.  The story was about this woman who was minding her own business, picking up a coffee from Starbucks and another woman walked up to her and threw acid in her face, burning her entire face except for her eyes... she was wearing sunglasses.  I thought about the beauty that we all possess and how quickly it can be taken away in a heartbeat, beauty on the outside is fleeting but beauty on the inside is everlasting.  Today I want to talk to all my lovely women... and some men about taking pride in both, the inside AND outside beauty.  I know I talk a lot about inner beauty but today I want to talk about appearance... trust me you'll get it! It's a two way street this beauty thing, I strongly feel that both need to be appreciated loved and honored.  We only get one face... one body... and one existence in our physical body... so treat it as such! I sometime sit and wonder why I see beautiful women (and men) treat their appearance as if it doesn't matter... well let me tell you... it does!  Your face and body is the first thing you wake up to every morning, so treat it as such... marvelous... gorgeous because it is. Your body is the vehicle for your soul, when you wake up in the morning don't just throw something on... cherish the time you get to spend with yourself and take the time to pick our clothing... cherish the time that you bath your body... love the time you pamper your skin... God gave you the vehicle for you to show off so do so!  I strongly believe that you place yourself in a position of honor and royalty when you take the time to look, smell, and feel good. As women we need not think "well I'm just a mom" or "I'm just going to the store", or "who cares, hell I hate dressing up". Well let me tell you for a long time I felt the same way, I didn't dress nice... I wouldn't care about my hair, hard to believe but at one time I didn't even like shopping for clothes but all that changed when I began to care about my appearance. I felt pride when I dressed nice... enjoyed looking good and that's how we all should feel.  When I began to care about my appearance I began to cherish what was on the inside... for me, I needed to see the outter beauty before I could recognize the inner... but for you, it maybe the reverse.  Remember your face and body are the vehicles for your soul... so if we were talking about a car... lets say a high end automobile wouldn't you take it weekly to get detailed? Wouldn't you take those extra steps to make it look good and smell good? Funny when you do all that it always seems to ride better... right?  Same is true with your body, style, & appearance... go to get your nails manicured, get your eyebrows waxed, treat yourself to that lil support garment that will give you that lil sumthin sumthin under those new clothes.  When you look good you really do feel good, you'll find yourself walking taller, feeling better about the inside because you know the outside... Looks soooo marvelous! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, September 6, 2010

Love not War...

I feel like sometimes my body is @ war with my mind... let me explain.  I've been told that when your body is elevating itself to a higher level, or moving in to peace... grace... awareness... whatever you want to call it. Your body must first break away from your ego... soooo, okay with that being said I sometimes feel like my body is at war with my mind!  I sit right now on the verge of total excellence and peace, but I still desire the old ways of doing things.  From time to time I even find myself, or my mind, attempting to convince my body to do what it knows it shouldn't... silly I know.  Everyday is becoming more and more phenominal, but I admit I am struggling to do something new... different... and from the soul which I find both exciting, scary and stimulating.  I am standing still and allowing the fog to settle because I refuse make any fast moves even though my mind is begging me to... your mind (ego) is never patient, it's always wanting you to move quickly strictly for it's shallow agenda.  My body holds me and expresses the exact opposite of what my mind tells me... my body is saying stay firm... stand still... and wait... everything will be revealed... REALLY?  I guess so... hear goes!!! Love & Blessings - Buttaflibabee

Sunday, September 5, 2010

You Sneaky lil Devil...

At times I've been stubborn, at times I've been mean, at times I've been bossy, and at times I've been simply a bitch.  I say this to explain that I've said and done things that I regret and I usually apologize for it later (or at least I apologize in my head).  The reason for me explaining this side of me is to help explain when you (me) are detoxing... or removing an illness or addiction you lash out, generally to the ones you love the most and your past actions become an embarrassment to your newly discovered soul.  Today I'm reflecting on my biggest addiction/illness... it was a hidden addiction, this illness was disguised as a food addiction...  the illness manifested through depression.... both food and depression were the effect but jealousy was the cause.  Jealousy. I wasn't ever expecting the illness of jealousy to be my true demon, hell it's sneaky ass would dress up as everything else... yeah a real devil!  Jealousy used to thrive in my body (and still does occasionally)... it would warm me on the inside and leak out of my pores... or at least that's how it felt.  As a teenager I was extremely jealous of my big brother, for good reason,  he was the "good child" so of course I was jealous of the attention that he received.  Instead of attracting attention through good grades or being obedient, like my brother, I would seek attention by poor performance in school, acting out, and not doing what I was told.  This sneaky devil jealousy followed me throughout my life and it never apologized for it's earth shattering affect, not until last week... seriously... last week.  Last week I got the courage to call jealousy out on the carpet, I was know longer embarrassed to admit I was jealous.  At this point I'm ok with whatever people think of me because now I know me better than ever before... so hell yea... I can admit... I was a jealous bitch!  Know longer am I afraid to call it what it is, my entire life was structured... built... flourished... and eventually crumbled due to jealousy, the big bad secret is knowlonger a secret & has no place to hide.  I still feel jealous from time to time but when those feelings come over me... when I feel my face warm, my arms tingle, my heart race... I know it's jealousy and I am equip with the awareness to allow it to pass... don't fight with it just allow that feeling to pass.  Jealousy will consume you if you allow it... it will mask & hide under a veil of "love" when all it really is... is hate.  Jealousy is something that we all feel, but when you admit to yourself that it holds a place occasionally in your life then it will never consume you. The potential love you have to give... you will give it freely and without agenda or selfish intentions.  So love even if it doesn't involve you... love especially if it excludes you... because eventually love will kick jealousy's crazy ass!  Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Beautiful Forest...

I was sitting today having lunch with one of my good girlfriends, we always have lunch on Sunday's after church it gives us a time to have simple "girl talk". This time we talked about  our lives as single women, during our conversations we get a chance to talk about what we really want to accomplish during this lifetime, we talk about  how everyday gets us just that much closer... whether it be in a spiritual way or physically... we feel movement.  Today we discussed how we've been feeling lately... feeling like we can "do it", you see both of us have dreams that we want to pursue... goals that we know we can attain, but for whatever reason we hold ourselves back.  As we ate our fabulous italian dinner, we started talking about how we both have had these ideas of how we want our lives to look like, and how we often underestimate the power of what we possess and that's the power of limitless possibilities.  Sometimes it's sad to think that we live in reality yet we watch "reality" T.V.... guess what... it's not.  When my friend and I thought about our culture it dawned on us how ridiculous we've been... to think? Ya know back in the day... in the era where movies were new and people went to the movies... it was entertainment... imagine that?!  Movies and television would provide families and ordinary people the opportunity to escape... get away and take a mental vacation... it allowed us the ability to live in fantasy for how ever long that movie or program was on.  Simple fact is back then it was acting... make believe... fake.  Today we still watch T.V. and movies but instead of us realizing that it is all fantasy... we believe it's real... we want the same type of life as the fake world... we become actors in our own lives.  As we talked, we thought about the "things" we both wanted right now, for her it is a business... she knew she had a great business, from the concept to the actual product but she found herself struggling with balancing her 9-5 along with working on her passion... the business.  For me it was totally different, I have a deep desire for children, husband, and a family.  Funny both of us sitting, waiting, and wanting something different but what we realized is that we both had it all already.  See my friend had the business solid, she had the time to utilize for he business... she had the concept and the plan, but she was utilizing her time for other things... in her time management the business came last.  For me I had all I wanted as well.... I have a fabulously loving family and tons of children I can hug & kiss, I had a husband at one time and "marriage" didn't make me happy... I made me happy. In our conversation we realized we had everything in our lap, but here we were looking for some type of magic to happen banking on what we see on television.  Sure you see people on TV getting discovered... launching there business through a reality competition, or better yet finding "true love" on a reality competition... but?... those are actors/actresses... it's called reality but should be called "un-reality".  We actually live in our dreams.... life is your fantasy... we are perfection... it doesn't take a "un-reality" show to show us that everything we want is right there in front of our eyes. You see we've been looking at the big ass tree in front of our face... not realizing the beautiful forest thats behind it... pssst... it's waiting patiently for us to take notice! Love & Blessings. -Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

She's ain't me...

So most of you know I read a lot of Deepak  Chopra and in his most recent book he talks about how your true self, who you are really, is there inside you but it's the ego or the impostor  that comes out to play when you are struggling within.  In the book there is a man that suffers from depression and in order to get a grasp of his depression Deepak Chopra had him practice an exercise that requires you to address your impostor face on as if it were another human being and tell that struggle "your not me". I, at that point, thought about my blog and what I felt would be a fantastic title (at that time)... "Confessions of a Fatgirl" perfect... but... wrong! When I read about the exercise it dawned on me I was identifying with the Fatgirl, hell I was giving her a title making her the star of the show... and making this blog about her... and how I've come to peace with her.  Well I'm here to tell you... She's not me!  I, of course at that point decided to change the title of my blog which is now titled: "Confessions of a Girl"... that girl being me... not she.  I wrote her a lil note, and you can read it below...


Dear Fatgirl,

I must say... I don't hate you but I really don't like your ass no more, you taking up too much of my damn time.  Seems like everytime I take 2 steps forward your ass wants me to hang out for a minute... so what do I do... take a step back to talk to your weak ass.  Well now I'm here to say... you ain't got to go home, but you got to get the hell outta here! I know you don't have a home but this one for sure is not yours.  I'm exhausted with you keepin up shit... you've made me think I'm weak... you've allowed me to think I'm a no body... but you know what I hate the most?... how you had me fooled to believe I didn't deserve the very best, hell I'm a Léon dammit! I deserve the absolute best... and you know why... my daddy says so. To think, when I was younger you had me convinced I was ugly, worthless, and an over all empty human being... hell no wonder why I ate so much... I was tryin to tune your loud ass out, but it made you louder.  So now that you have quieted down to a whisper let me make this plain and simple.  I know who I am and it is most definitely not you, so with that being said you have over stayed your welcome and you can see yourself to the door... I unlocked it for you.


This excercise is part of my process and you may have just started to desire the very best for yourself.  I hope if anyone is in a time of turmoil this will help you confront your issue head on, if you have a demon or something that your struggling with confront that something on a personal level and tell that issue... you ain't me!  Love & Blessings - Buttaflibabee


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Cherry on top.

So when does faith, or should I say blind ambition become stupidity? I think about some of the things I wished, hoped and prayed for years ago... a house... a husband... a child... lots of money.... career that I loved.  Now that list sounds pretty basic much like what, I'm sure, most people wish for but when it comes to what you really want you may want to scratch the surface a bit more. I have this desire, but it's more than a desire I feel it's my destiny to meet and marry my soulmate, now I know your thinking..."that sounds like wishin for a man again Keshia"... yes but no.  I feel it's my destiny to meet my soulmate not just for a look, or to fulfill what is thought of as being ideal... but to create a force... the  force of:The "fill in the blank" Family.  I want to meet and marry my soulmate because I want to be a mother like my mother and I know I can't be that mother without marrying a partner... a father to contribute all the fantastic things that make up fatherhood. I want a family nuecleus much like the one I grew up in... soooo yes, I am finally admitting to the fact that 1.I want a family (not just a child) 2. I want to love more 3. I'm ok if I don't get it. The difference is in the #3... the fact that I'm okay if I don't get #1 & #2.  Before I wanted the child & husband because I thought that was the only way... now my desire is still there but it's not necessary.  Once I let go of the need to have a family and minimized it to just a desire... a want... things began to change.  I began to look at things and simplified it for myself... sure i want a family but it's a bonus, like a child getting a toy... a bonus... they don't need the toy they want the toy. By no means am I compairing child rearing to owning a toy, but you are choosen to care for the life a innocent child. You see to me having a family is like the cherry on top of a sundae, the sundae's still awesome... it's yummy beyond belief... icy... creamy... chocolatey .... but the cherry makes it special.  Love & Blessings - Buttalfibabee

Friday, August 13, 2010

Earwax

Last night I had a dream about earwax,  as gross as that may sound if you know me you know that dream like a rock star!  My dreams are vivid and movie like and this particular dream had me spinnin because of the absurdity of it all... EARWAX... REALLY?! So I went to my handy dandy dream dictionary (yes I have one of those) and looked up, with the swiftness, "meaning of earwax", they gave me a mean of "listening.. to finally hear... at one point you were turning a 'deaf ear' which made alot of sense because recently I've been thinking about some of my past relationships... all of them.. the good... the bad... and the ugly, post & pre-marriage/ divorce.  As I thought about the silliness I brought into my life by simply refusing to clean my ears and listen to the obvious.  I must say I am extremely happy though to be in the place that I'm in, only by grace, was this possible... only by forgiveness is this attainable.  The relationships that I was involving myself in we're simply absurd... stupid and just plain crazy, but what made it even more ridiculous was the fact that I was okay with being treated like garbage, to think, here I was convincing myself I was better than all that, stronger, tougher than most, I would say..."oh hell naw Keshia doesn't get treated like trash"... well hell yes I did. I pitied myself for a minute but that minute is over now, the pain is over... the humiliation is over... and my ears are now clear and clean ready to listen up to the obvious.  I now find that most things aren't really as hard as we make it out to be... we fail to stay alert, we aren't really ready to listen, most times it's simply because we don't want to hear whats being said.  You know how your mom says -make sure you keep your eyes & ears open for danger- the fact is we protect our self first by listening to our surroundings, it's a way of protecting yourself from danger... it's how we stay safe, like your momma said. My earwax dream helped me realize how much I turned a deaf ear... how much I compromised my safety by not listening... by not paying attention to what was inevitably going to happen. This led me through a period of growth but guess what? Ears are open and ready to listen....haha! - Love & Blessings - Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I Ain't Scared!

Today I watched Oprah... my favorite celebrity in the WHOLE World!!! While watching her show I asked myself something one of my friends asked me just the other day... my friend asked "Keshia what would you do if fear wasn't an option?".  I think about how God weaves people & experiences into our lives for, nothing more or less than purpose.  As I watched O, and thought about my friends questions I thought to myself...why do I fear?  The Oprah show was on 4 young men that were starved almost to death by an adoptive parent... what was that woman thinking when starving those babies, and how blessed are they to have the life they have right now... but I could see why they feared.  These young men feared life, they feared their own "mother", they feared living & life in general, but now their life has changed in an instant... no more fear... yet fear is always present.  Today I faced a simple fear and that was the moving on, accepting defeat, and admitting to mistakes... sometimes I get my mind fixated on what I want vs. what is.  This is something I have bad, I have a hard time... and I mean a really hard time handling what is and living in the simple truths of my life.  Today I decided to carry on without the fear of what others will think, the decision to stop walking around on eggshells because of some stupid idea that was cooked up in my head, instead of my soul, those types of mistakes can cripple and has done just that for a few months.  As one of my favorite authors: Deepak Chopra says,  if you don't feel the warmth of your soul shining through as you flow throughout your day then you are blocking it with emotions from you ego... your ego (or mind) are those protective thoughts or ideas that blocks our true self from eminating through.  Today I said enough... I would beam all day ... so I did... it was a small step... just a lil something that pushed the envelope, but it made me feel good to know that I am slowly get through this fear.  I make mistakes daily but I feel good knowing that those mistakes will never define me, how I move through the mistakes, learn from the mistakes and inspire others to do the same without the feeling ashamed of themselves is what uplifts me to write this post, blog, and tell this story of me... oh... and how I get through shit. Love & Blessing. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, August 2, 2010

Fishsticks

Some of my Facebook friends & family may remember this note from way back... I thought it was definitely blog worthy no doubt... Enjoy!


"When you get yourself ready for a fabulous feast, you get dressed up, put on make up and/or cologne because of course your excited about the feast. You arrive at your special restaurant, after getting there you order the magnificent meal you had dreamt of and you sit in anticipated delight. The waiter/waitress brings you your meal and to your surprise your special feast is on a paper plate... and... its... a plate full of fishsticks!? You look at the waiter sooo displeased because of course u didn't order FISHSTICKS, this isn't your sumptuous meal you dreamt about! So what do you do eat the fishstick and pay? Of course not! Ladies & Gentlemen don't eat the fishsticks in your life, don't settle for less then what you desire & deserve.... get up thank the waiter & waitress and leave!" - Love & Blessing. - Buttaflibabee

Thursday, July 29, 2010

My new routine.

To love that which has brought you pain is difficult, at times we seem to reject the very nature of who we are. I find this most evendent in my daily routine, I wake up, I thank God, and right before I take my shower the love feast of self... ends, because at that point I am faced with my body. Not until maaayyyybbeeee 2 months ago did I accept my body, not until this month did I like my body, and not until this week am I loving my body. To love what you thought of as the unlovable is so real for so many people, how it's interpreted is what makes us different. For some of us it's loving that person you've hated, for others it's loving that child that brings you sadness, but for most it's loving the person you wake up with and go to bed with... not your husband or wife... you. When I finally looked in the mirror and gave thanks for my body my soul began to change... I came to the conclusion that the only way I would break free and gain peace with my past was in loving every inch of my body... now. My body has brought me so far and has been a real trooper through the 300 lb. period in my life so why wouldn't I be thankful and love it?  My body is ideal... it's mine. Most of my readers have read that I plan to having a series of surgeries one of which includes a full body lift, but before I do that I must be comfortable enough to not need the bodylift. The bodylift is for my soul... simply put, my soul deserves it.  I have maintaned my weight successfully for 8 years, sure I've gone up but for the most part I've maintained.  What I want my readers to understand that this is new ground for me... a new routine... I become aware that my body is something to show off. I have recently declared to my Facebook readers that I am now out of Lane Bryant, this declaration was for myself as an acknowledgment of my success, and yes... my pride.  I believe if all of us simply look at our accomplishments, delight in it and accept the success, but also take pride in moving on from where you were... to where you are now we would find our daily routine not so routine... our love for "body" melting into our love for living. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Deletion leads to Completion.

I used walk through life and look at television, movies for what's next... I read books, newspapers & magazines to see what's hot in entertainment, what celebrities are wearing, buying & doing. This all came at a cost when what I saw I also wanted, thinking that for some reason that item, person, or image could also bring me happiness. I felt and feel this way from time to time, and lets face it, until my life came crashing down in summer of 2008 this is how I lived & thought all the time. Ever since I could remember I was that girl who thought if I had a cute outfit, a skinny body, and a fine boyfriend... then hell I was "happy". I would feel so rejected when I was fat that I strived to be skinny... and did just that, I knew I had fashion so not so much of a problem there, which meant all I needed was that fine boyfriend.... and I got that. My exhusband is very handsome and would be ideal husband material... for someone else, we are friends now so we understand we were both half-full souls trying to "complete" each other... let me tell you, it doesn't work. Though divorce was hard, understanding my new life was harder, when I lost my marriage and had to, once again, be single... I often times would think- "how do I do this?.... me... single again?... really?... am I REALLY single???...WTF!" At some point I realized it was intended for me to purge... delete... and be with self, at this time I knew God wanted me to understand what I was all about. Soooo right now, today, I am a 33 yr old woman living at home with my parents and I really enjoy it... honestly. In deleting unnecessary-ness I've freed my soul and emancipated myself from what I thought of as happiness. I lost my marriage, my job and my house all at the same time, I gained about 30 pounds, which means I even lost my "reformed-ness"... my identity, and to top it all off I had to move back home with "The Parents"... but for the first time I feel complete... funny as it sounds. In the beginning it wasn't easy I fought the obvious... hell I was a grown ass child all over again so my independence was in question, and everything I thought I was I now was not, all my "stuff" was now consolidated into a 10x10 storage unit, a bedroom, bathroom, and my car. Since editing, deleting & consolidating the "things" from my life I wake up with just me, myself and I, but the peace that I have is indescribable, I wake up with a much simpler outlook on life... I just do the best I can do... I don't over complicate things anymore. Most of us feel as though a certain person, job, house, or form of love will bring success and completion in our lives... well I'm here to explain it's the exact opposite. Completion comes when you are standing around and it's just you... completion comes when all you have to lean on is what you came in the world with... if you lucky you have family, parents, siblings, but for some it's just you, and thats ok too. If you look inward and upward for completion you will find you already have it, and if you feel like your life is lacking or is empty there is absolutely nothing... I repeat nothing that will fill that emptiness but you. To put it simply... halves never make a whole, no matter how many "halves" you have. .... Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Head bunting=Meeting of the minds

So, this weekend was an eventful one for me, I hung out with friends and family, and in the midst of relaxing and having a good time I realized how abundant my life really is. Back in the day I felt comfortable in appearing meek, small, mild. Not too long ago I held resentment towards my dad... I couldn't stand his arrogance, I became upset when he would brag or boast about us (me & my brother), or my mom, or our life. I didn't understand how hard both of my parents worked to provide for us so whatever we wanted, I'm also sure my parents had to work on there relationship... that we could grow up with both of them in our lives. Today I realized they did a pretty good job... heck their still together! Throughout the weekend I began to understand my dad and what I'm sure he would much rather categorize as pride... nothing more, nothing less than unadulterated pride. My last name is Leon which means lion, my dad and brother are coincidentally are both Leo's but my dad, more so than my brother, embodies all that a lion is. My dad doesn't walk... he struts, if he's in a hurry he glides... never to break his stance and presence. Early 2010 I found myself struggling to find balance in my life and I couldn't get it... I simply couldn't understand the "my shit doesn't stink" attitude that my father seemed to always have, we always seemed to bump heads because where he saw pride I saw conciete. For most of my life I hated the conceited nature of my dad and others like him, but this weekend I finally saw my father for the man he is... yes, he is arrogant... yes, he is conceited... yes, he can be aloof... and yes, he should be! My father for all intentions believed that he, his wife, and his children were to inherit the world... if he could serve it on a silver platter to my older brother & I he would. My dad fought to prove we were the best thing walking... and he would become frustrated when we didn't see our own greatness. I could only imagine his frustration when I was younger and the worry he must have felt about his 280lb 12year old daughter... that must've been seriously f*cked up! I remember he would beg and plead with me to loose weight, but all I could hear was criticism and hate. I can't imagine as a father what he had to feel, sometimes my dad tells me "if anyone tried to hurt you Keshia I would kill them", he tells me that he would die before he allows something-or someone harm me... but to think that the enemy, for nearly 30 years was herself. He had to have felt like he wanted to die just so I could wake up skinny... but yet my dad had to back off, so that the change could come from within. I think about how I shifted throughout my life... just waiting for things to happen, not really putting forth much of an effort... how insane. Today I lift my parents up for loving me and not giving up on me... silently allowing me to make mistakes and still standing by my side. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Raining or Sunshine... I don't mind.

Living without expectations... sounds crazy but this is exactly how I'm choosing to live my life these days. I want the best and plan on living my life with "soul intentions", meaning I ask the question "what will my soul want me to do?.... will this bring joy or pain to my soul?"... this how I intend on living my life today and everyday. I have begun my search for a plastic surgeon, and coming into this type of decision and also committing myself to this type of change in my life has me looking at the world differently. I feel my nephew has a lot to do with this shift in living, this year my nephew has grown into such a little boy with such a big personality, he exudes joy and humor... what love radiates from me when I'm with him, such intense love. Right now just thinking about his laughter makes me cry... of course not in a sad way, but in a happy way. I think about his little life and I think about how fast days, and weeks, and months, and years go by. My nephew's learned so much, he now can talk and repeat words, he can now walk without stumbling (well not too much), he can feed himself...all of this within a year. I think about when my nephew first learned how to walk and how afraid yet excited he was about the discovery of walking, just think, being able to do what everyone else was doing, I remember how the thought of mobility, was for him, pure nervous energy. That's where I am... I love life, love my body, I breath in the day excited about what it will bring, simply living by the principle of "no expectations" makes living so much easier. I mean- if I'm blessed with my bodylift than great... but lets just say I freak out (it is major surgery), or insurance decides not to cover it (the surgery is cosmetic) and financially I can't afford it, or for whatever reason I just don't get around to it. All of the outcomes I listed could happen, just like outcomes could happen in the reverse... I could be approved through my insurance, I could have an awesome surgeon that will ease my fears. All of the outcomes are variables to what could or could not happen in my life but living with the feeling of "no expectations" is just that... peace with any and all variables. I lived life with too many expectations once, of those expectations I would get my feelings hurt... I would freeze up, I would cancel any positive thoughts because for some reason I felt that didn't happen to me, I focused so much on the the expectation that I wouldn't do the work to get there, then of course, feelings of defeat would settle in and disrupt the pathway to success. When it came to opportunities they were always there and abundant but when it came to having the confidence to succeed in those opportunities, that's where I would fall short. I would allow sucesses to slip through my fingers... I would doubt myself, have too many expectations on the paticular job, or the relationship or, **you fill in the blank**. So today I choose to not give a fuck... I appreciate everything and live with gratitude... but I don't give a fuck about outcomes... I surrender those to God, or the Source, or **you fill in the blank**. Of course I want the best but lets think rationally, you can't control everything... so throwing caution to the wind is when you get the most honest results. I keep integrity I do whats right, but I also say what I feel and feel what I say, at work I do my job enjoy it and I am thankful for the position. In relationships I love everyone, I open my heart wider to my friends... but there are no expectations on those relationships. I want a family but I don't want a husband just to have a family, I surrender to future opportunities of making a decision with a man, a partner, a husband to create a family together. I want a bodylift, a new body, for this life I want to run and not feel things (skin) yanking me down, I want to look in the mirror and not be reminded of my old self... I've grown, I've learned how to walk... so why would I want to be forced to crawl? Wanna to know my favorite part of my day??? The morning, because every morning, I love to get up and see what the day will bring, whether the weather is sunny or rainy, it's a good day. The freshness of the day lifts me up, just like those mornings, I am blessed if it's raining or sunny... I've endured the rainy days and appreciate it for the nourishment it provided. I honestly think I've gone through so many rainy days so that I could show God my reaction to those rainy days. Now God is preparing me for sunshine... so lemme go get my shades! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Truth... R.I.P.

They always say "the truth will set you free"... right? Yes, the truth will set you free but it's not just telling the truth to other people that's important but it's also telling the truth to yourself that will truly set you free. Back in the day when I was my former fatgirl self, I would always tell myself that I just liked to eat, that dammit if it wasn't for Nancy's Pizza (pizza place in chicago)and chocolate cake I would be all good... ALL WRONG! The fact is yes it was my addiction to food that created an illusion and made it seem as if it were all about the food. Once I learned how to listen to what I was really craving I understood that it had nothing to do with the taste pizza and cake. I was craving attention, comfort, and love... love that I thought I could achieve from cheesy & chocolate goodness. I was craving more from life but I didn't know how to get there... that was the truth. See when I looked at the truth with a open heart and forgave myself for loving food more than myself, that was when I was able to heal. I used to hate myself for my past mistakes of compulsive eating, because of course my body had definitely taken a beating from the weight... but the difference today is that I love my fatgirl former self and her body, without living that life and without facing that truth, without going through that struggle, I wouldn't be where I am today... I wouldn't be who I am today... I wouldn't be blessed to share my life today. I have a lot of truths that I need to face... truths that before I look at as being "bad" like I once did food... but food wasn't the enemy and neither are the feelings that I am feeling today. I love... and I feel love, but for some reason I am afraid to admit when I love somebody, I'm afraid to admit that I love myself... and I guess I'm afraid of rejection from others and myself... funny huh? So today I am surrendering myself to love, allowing myself to be loved, giving myself permission to forgive the former fatgirl and loving myself enough to want a new start. See I used to look in the mirror and loath the former fatgirl, struggled to love myself or allow love to enter because I have such a visual reminder of the struggle. This weekend I've decided to let the former fatgirl Rest. In. Peace. It's time to forgive myself by creating myself anew, my mind has caught up to the changes so now it's time to allow my body to follow. I will be having a full bodylift (the plastic surgery procedure that removes excess skin after major weight loss), I have the support of friends and family so now it's time to share the experience with my caring readers. I will be blogging about the consultations and the experience. I trust that there are many people who will experience the forgiveness of self, or those feeling like it's time to move on with life, in some way or another. So lets be on our way today... on our way to forgiveness of self... on the way to a new us... and on our way to love. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Yet breads eventually...

Overcoming fear and allowing life to simply flow like a river. Seems like a simple concept but this is something that is extremely hard to master. You see I've recently come to realization that it's okay to not know because thats when you really get to know God. This isn't something that I just stumbled on, nor is it some type of epiphany or aha moment, this has been revealed through a recent church sermon and a book I've been reading. The book and the sermon speaks to how we can sometimes allow fear to dictate the way we conduct our lives... we fall into a consistent habit of fearing the same things time and time again. Back when I first lost my weight I was so afraid of gaining it back... that I did, well not all of it but I did gain back about 50lbs, and that weight gain, suprisingly enough was right before I asked my ex-husband for a divorce. Now some may say that my addiction of food had reared its ugly head again, kinda like an alcoholic falling off the wagon, which was true, but I seem to think it had more to do with the fact that there was a fear of losing a mate. My whole life I was afraid of not having someone... I feared living alone, without a family and without a mate to share my life with. It was natural that I would turn to the comforts of food to soothe the guilt... ease the confusion. See if I made the problem my addiction to food again than I wouldn't have to admit to another fear.... not just the fear of being fat but more the fear of being alone. To confess and say that my marriage didn't work... you see to confess that would mean bringing back my fatgirl feelings... if I looked through the eyes of fear, then my fatgirl feelings would be confirmed. If it wasn't me just struggling with weight... if it wasn't weight then would that confirm that I wasn't attractive? That I wasn't lovable? Then I was everything fear told me I was... then I always was 2nd best. Fear is this emotion that kept me from achieving things that I knew I could accomplish... fear held me back from living, but fear is an emotion that is becoming easier to identify... now. I can sense when I'm feeling fearful of a situation... whether that be excelling at work, deepening my friendships, appreciating my family, or allowing love to enter my life. Whenever I have the feeling that the shoe will drop... that's fear... whenever I have a negative or less than positive thought about a situation... that's fear. Fear comes in many different shapes and forms but if you feel fear be present in that feeling, and ask yourself if you can power through the emotion or at least identify and acknowledge it for what it is... sometimes doing nothing is best. You may not be able to overcome fear yet... but where there's a yet... there's always an eventually. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, June 21, 2010

High Definition


Okay so people have been asking me recently "why did you loose weight, what made you do it?" and I think I'm at a stage where I need to explain it to you, my readers exactly why. I've always felt good about the person that I was, even when I was my fat self... whether I was obese or not the former self was just as wonderful as the reformed self that I am now. What I realized 10 years ago was that I couldn't experience the fullness of my life being the 300lb former self. Grant it, even as my former fatgirl I knew I would still live a charmed life... blessed as some may call it but I also knew deep down inside I was going to loose my weight. I don't think it was a decision as much as it was a necessity, I eventually came to the conclusion that in order for me to experience my life completely, completely the way God intended for me to live it would require me to make some changes... the habit of compulsive eating was now exposed and the decision for change was occurring inside. My decision to shed the weight was long over due, like many life altering decisions but it happened at just the right time. I lost over 100lbs and to tell you the truth it wasn't as hard as you would think... I was simply ready...period. I can clearly remember when the wheels of change started turning in my head and the desire became reality and the way that desire became reality was the fact that there was action behind my desire. Keep in mind I was a severely obese teenager so it wasn't like all those years weren't spent dieting and obsessing about my weight, or that I didn't want to loose weight I wanted it... but I didn't desire it... the action was there but I didn't believe it could happen. Once I desired healthiness, once I desired better, once I began to see and feel that desire I thrust myself into what I knew could and would eventually happen, at that point I believed because I loved myself just that much. I lost the weight... but the complicated part wasn't just loosing the the weight, I was ready for that. The hard part was after the weight loss, after I loss weight I found myself desiring for more... I desired a relationship first, then a house, then gorgeous decor for that house, then a better job. You see before I lost my weight I thought the reason I was unhappy was because I was fat, I assumed the fat was the root of all evil... the fat was my devil. The fact was my mind was the root of my evil... my feelings of fear, feelings of loneliness, feelings of lack, and my desire to be desired is the reason I lost weight. At that point I desired more from my life and I thought losing my weight would deliver that life to me, what I didn't realize is that even though the weight loss helped me get closer it it would take a different type of change to deliver the life I truly desired. Fast forward 8 years, I'm now in a position where I am, again, desiring an even fuller experience from my life, I'm desiring and a even more vivid picture for my life... I desire more from myself... I desire fullness from life and I know that even though I've come a long way there is still more to accomplish, more evils to make peace with, more love to give, and more life to live. My existence is in in color and surround sound but I desire HD quality... high definition... and that's what I'll get. I'm pressing play... excited to see the difference! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Saturday, June 12, 2010

From a rock to a hard place...

Living well for yourself is something that can be difficult, hard, and down right tricky. I'm not saying that we all want the worst for ourselves but lets face it...immediate satisfaction can sometimes out weigh the "living well" crap. This week I was finding myself slipping into a host of bad habits that I've been struggling with for the past year and a half. Often times I fall into a habit of the immediate gratification of things... hence the addiction to food. When you get lost in food you get wrapped up into the flavor, the texture, the smells, and the overall satisfaction of the dish. Not once during all of this bliss do you think about how this could affect your overall health or the mental condemnation you'll be laying on yourself later. All you can think about is that piece, dish, helping or scoop. Once you get the immediate satisfaction, you then sit back and realize what you've just done, at this point you begin to hate yourself and your actions. Better than that, sometimes you even have the nerve to justify your actions... you then try and tell yourself you deserved it and "it'll all balance out", is what you say, "I'll do better tomorrow", well the fact is tomorrow starts today. I have come to the realization that my addiction to food has more recently become my addiction to men and the sex they provide. Now coming to this type of realization and having the ablity to talk about it is confusing, embarrassing, because does this realization make me a hoe... or a player? I mean I'm not just getting down any kinda way but I enjoy getting down, men are generally smitten by me... they swarm around me and seek me out, but is that a good thing? I've yet to find out. The reason I understand this addiction is because I've been here before, only before it was with food. I get caught up in the desire of the act, much like my addiction to food... I enjoy the immediate satisfaction that it provides but when it's over I'm left feeling sad, depressed, and defeated. When it's all over I don't have anything to show for all the energy that just went into my indulgence, I find my self thinking...now what? Today I am in a place of awareness that my addiction to food has morphed into my addiction of men/sex/"the act"... I'm addicted to how men lust after me... I think about how I can conquer them... I reflect on how men have hurt me in the past so now I just want to hurt them. My desire to hurt men or receive hurt from men is all stemmed from feelings of not fitting in, those long ago feelings of being the fatgirl... feelings of rejection. So where do I go from here, I don't know, but I do know I've been able to change my unhealthy association with food so now it's time to reform my unhealthy assoication with men. I'm feeling good about things though... it's difficult but I know it's just a part of my journey. I understand that ultimately my experiences with obesity and how I've learned to love myself enough to put down that slice, will help me do the same when it comes to men... "Keshia put down the slice...lol". Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, June 7, 2010

Blow out your candles and make a wish...

Sometimes you gotta go through hell in order to reach your heaven. Two weekends ago I had the joy of spending time with 2 very special little ladies, and in spending time with them I realized just how magical life is. Now trust me they have learned to be little girls, and with that there's whining, crying and just plain throwing temper tantrums but underneath it all is that sweet peace of just being. It was so funny, my God daughters birthday was this particular weekend and she was turning 4, so of course we talked about blowing out the candles and making a wish... and in the innocent, pure moment my Goddaughter asks me "Keshia when I blow out my candles what are you gonna wish for?" I thought about it and for the first time I thought and said... "well nothing much sweetie, Keshia's perfect... and anything that comes my way is all good and will only make things better". For the first time I realized in telling her that I wished for nothing I could have bored her with the "I want to loose 30 lbs", or tell her about my wish to move out of my parents place, or that I want to be debt free, but all of that was irrelevant for her almost 4 year old life... and in that moment I realized it was irrelevant in my 30 something year old life. I would not be in this place of peace without much heartache and for what I would account for as my own personal hell... we all have a thing that we must go through. We all have some type of issue that needs to be worked out, for me it's the feeling of inadequacy and not feeling good enough. I also know these feelings of inadequacy contributed to childhood issues which transcended into teen issues... those teen issues then became young adult situations... those young adult situations then became grown ass relationship issues!!! I have finally come to the realization that the relationship issues weren't anything to do with the other person or the relationship itself, this issue was all about me, my past and how it is able to still effect my right now... my present. You see when my sweet little Goddaughter asked me what I wished for I realized, in that moment, I wished for nothing everything I wanted, needed, and could ever desire I already possessed. Regardless of my past or what is transpiring right now, today is always going to be all good. No matter what designs I have for my future, right now is giving me just what I need. I wish for nothing except for more of what I have right now, I wish for the happiness of today and for all my friends, family and readers to be able to experience the same level of joy that I can finally say I'm experiencing. This all came from experiencing hell... but I wouldn't have done it any other way. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Pretty butterfly.

The journey of life never ends... it's constant... forever moving... like air, wind, and time... and it begins with one step. This journey isn't a sprint... it's a marathon and for most people we get tired and we loose our passion for the run. Life is not for the faint at heart, because to live it with passion takes stamina... listening to your heart, filtering it with your brain and most times taking things at face value. I have been discovering so much about myself the past several months and my journey has touched others along the way. The light that comes from me and manifests itself through this blog isn't something that just happens, this light does not emanates everyday because sometimes I question who I am... sometimes I dim my light. I, like a lot of people, question my own existence... I find myself questioning what my life is all about. Prayers have been answered but then again don't we answer are own prayers by simply standing back and being appreciative of what we already have? We have the power of God within us every time we breath, I listen to myself as I write this blog and notice that I have been unkind to myself... my life, and I have in a sense become my own devil. I often write about balance and trying find balance, well that is not something that's easy to practice. There has been several aspects of my life that I have allowed to get out of control, habits that I've been practicing that are less than admirable, and things that I've done that I'm embarassed to admit. I have not always been my own best advocate. Now I've recognized change is coming but I must first start small with the first steps. I have recently compromised my ethical standards and have taken risks for a high... an adrenaline rush. I can honestly say this type of living must come to an end but like most change I know that this will take some getting used to and it may actually take a couple of tries. I know who I am and I know that once I get it life will only get better from here. See I love Myskeshia, but I don't always show it through my actions... so whats that all about? So to my readers to ask yourself this: Are you really loving **insert name here** and if so how.. and if not why? If you really love you & your life than you will see what they mean by "we are created in Gods image", but if you think what your doing isn't a reflection of the love of God then stop doing it! I hope all of my readers are ready take this journey of love with me, it's time for the butterfly to see her own beauty... this is where it gets interesting. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Sunday, May 23, 2010

In yo' face friendship.

Oh how I love my friends... let me count the ways. I love them because they're not just my friends, they're my family. Back when I was younger I used to try so hard to fit in, being that I was a heavy child that's what I longed for... to belong, to be accounted for and now by golly (shuddup I know that's corny) I definitely got it! My friends consist of not just me but my brother and his wife, my sister -n - law's sister, her best friend from high school, her brother (best friend of my sis n law's sister), his wife, and his best friend (who is also married to my sis n laws sister), and everybodies homegirl, everybodies homeboy, and myself. We are an extremely close knit bunch and we're also aware that the type of friendship we have is special, we could seriously be a reality show if we were so lucky. We reflect similar qualities within each other such as: intellect but also the quest to learn more... spirituality... entrepreneurship... cultural diversity. As a group, we believe in looking and feeling good so we try our best to take care of ourselves, as the saying goes "if you look good you'll feel good". My friends and I really enjoy the heck out of each others company but contrary to normal practices we don't have to speak to each other everyday and sometimes we go months without seeing each other, but when we all get together... it's the real deal... it's the truth. This type of friendship is like a black diamond, extremely rare, precious, and holds value beyond belief. The reason why we love each other so is because we know the level of our friendship requires us to elevate every relationship, it sets a certain standard for anyone wanting to love us, that person must definitely come correct. When I was single I tried so hard to "find" a boyfriend... as if he could be found, I wanted to have a guy to bring to dinner when I got together with all my friends so that I could have someone to cuddle with, someone to dance with... a companion. Yesterday was the first time I realized this is quite a tall order, ultimately no matter how strong of a guy he is he will have to be confident enough to blend with relationships that have already blended so well. See my friends and I have been together for 10+ years we participate in each others lives tremendously and we've merged together so well because we ARE family. We stand up in each others weddings, we are God-parents to each others kids, and we are the shoulder to lean/cry/laugh on. The reality that hit me yesterday also gave me something to be thankful for, my friendships are for right now my main relationship and for that I must embrace it. I've been on a journey of discovery and healing and yesterday what I've failed to realize is that God has answered my prayers from back when I was in elementary school... what I wanted has been right in front of my face all along. When I was a little girl I just wanted to belong... I wanted to have a best friends... I wanted to have a "cool group" to belong to... now I have it, but more importantly I choose to embrace it...I love it... I love them! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee