Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Yet breads eventually...

Overcoming fear and allowing life to simply flow like a river. Seems like a simple concept but this is something that is extremely hard to master. You see I've recently come to realization that it's okay to not know because thats when you really get to know God. This isn't something that I just stumbled on, nor is it some type of epiphany or aha moment, this has been revealed through a recent church sermon and a book I've been reading. The book and the sermon speaks to how we can sometimes allow fear to dictate the way we conduct our lives... we fall into a consistent habit of fearing the same things time and time again. Back when I first lost my weight I was so afraid of gaining it back... that I did, well not all of it but I did gain back about 50lbs, and that weight gain, suprisingly enough was right before I asked my ex-husband for a divorce. Now some may say that my addiction of food had reared its ugly head again, kinda like an alcoholic falling off the wagon, which was true, but I seem to think it had more to do with the fact that there was a fear of losing a mate. My whole life I was afraid of not having someone... I feared living alone, without a family and without a mate to share my life with. It was natural that I would turn to the comforts of food to soothe the guilt... ease the confusion. See if I made the problem my addiction to food again than I wouldn't have to admit to another fear.... not just the fear of being fat but more the fear of being alone. To confess and say that my marriage didn't work... you see to confess that would mean bringing back my fatgirl feelings... if I looked through the eyes of fear, then my fatgirl feelings would be confirmed. If it wasn't me just struggling with weight... if it wasn't weight then would that confirm that I wasn't attractive? That I wasn't lovable? Then I was everything fear told me I was... then I always was 2nd best. Fear is this emotion that kept me from achieving things that I knew I could accomplish... fear held me back from living, but fear is an emotion that is becoming easier to identify... now. I can sense when I'm feeling fearful of a situation... whether that be excelling at work, deepening my friendships, appreciating my family, or allowing love to enter my life. Whenever I have the feeling that the shoe will drop... that's fear... whenever I have a negative or less than positive thought about a situation... that's fear. Fear comes in many different shapes and forms but if you feel fear be present in that feeling, and ask yourself if you can power through the emotion or at least identify and acknowledge it for what it is... sometimes doing nothing is best. You may not be able to overcome fear yet... but where there's a yet... there's always an eventually. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, June 21, 2010

High Definition

Okay so people have been asking me recently "why did you loose weight, what made you do it?" and I think I'm at a stage where I need to explain it to you, my readers exactly why. I've always felt good about the person that I was, even when I was my fat self... whether I was obese or not the former self was just as wonderful as the reformed self that I am now. What I realized 10 years ago was that I couldn't experience the fullness of my life being the 300lb former self. Grant it, even as my former fatgirl I knew I would still live a charmed life... blessed as some may call it but I also knew deep down inside I was going to loose my weight. I don't think it was a decision as much as it was a necessity, I eventually came to the conclusion that in order for me to experience my life completely, completely the way God intended for me to live it would require me to make some changes... the habit of compulsive eating was now exposed and the decision for change was occurring inside. My decision to shed the weight was long over due, like many life altering decisions but it happened at just the right time. I lost over 100lbs and to tell you the truth it wasn't as hard as you would think... I was simply ready...period. I can clearly remember when the wheels of change started turning in my head and the desire became reality and the way that desire became reality was the fact that there was action behind my desire. Keep in mind I was a severely obese teenager so it wasn't like all those years weren't spent dieting and obsessing about my weight, or that I didn't want to loose weight I wanted it... but I didn't desire it... the action was there but I didn't believe it could happen. Once I desired healthiness, once I desired better, once I began to see and feel that desire I thrust myself into what I knew could and would eventually happen, at that point I believed because I loved myself just that much. I lost the weight... but the complicated part wasn't just loosing the the weight, I was ready for that. The hard part was after the weight loss, after I loss weight I found myself desiring for more... I desired a relationship first, then a house, then gorgeous decor for that house, then a better job. You see before I lost my weight I thought the reason I was unhappy was because I was fat, I assumed the fat was the root of all evil... the fat was my devil. The fact was my mind was the root of my evil... my feelings of fear, feelings of loneliness, feelings of lack, and my desire to be desired is the reason I lost weight. At that point I desired more from my life and I thought losing my weight would deliver that life to me, what I didn't realize is that even though the weight loss helped me get closer it it would take a different type of change to deliver the life I truly desired. Fast forward 8 years, I'm now in a position where I am, again, desiring an even fuller experience from my life, I'm desiring and a even more vivid picture for my life... I desire more from myself... I desire fullness from life and I know that even though I've come a long way there is still more to accomplish, more evils to make peace with, more love to give, and more life to live. My existence is in in color and surround sound but I desire HD quality... high definition... and that's what I'll get. I'm pressing play... excited to see the difference! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Saturday, June 12, 2010

From a rock to a hard place...

Living well for yourself is something that can be difficult, hard, and down right tricky. I'm not saying that we all want the worst for ourselves but lets face it...immediate satisfaction can sometimes out weigh the "living well" crap. This week I was finding myself slipping into a host of bad habits that I've been struggling with for the past year and a half. Often times I fall into a habit of the immediate gratification of things... hence the addiction to food. When you get lost in food you get wrapped up into the flavor, the texture, the smells, and the overall satisfaction of the dish. Not once during all of this bliss do you think about how this could affect your overall health or the mental condemnation you'll be laying on yourself later. All you can think about is that piece, dish, helping or scoop. Once you get the immediate satisfaction, you then sit back and realize what you've just done, at this point you begin to hate yourself and your actions. Better than that, sometimes you even have the nerve to justify your actions... you then try and tell yourself you deserved it and "it'll all balance out", is what you say, "I'll do better tomorrow", well the fact is tomorrow starts today. I have come to the realization that my addiction to food has more recently become my addiction to men and the sex they provide. Now coming to this type of realization and having the ablity to talk about it is confusing, embarrassing, because does this realization make me a hoe... or a player? I mean I'm not just getting down any kinda way but I enjoy getting down, men are generally smitten by me... they swarm around me and seek me out, but is that a good thing? I've yet to find out. The reason I understand this addiction is because I've been here before, only before it was with food. I get caught up in the desire of the act, much like my addiction to food... I enjoy the immediate satisfaction that it provides but when it's over I'm left feeling sad, depressed, and defeated. When it's all over I don't have anything to show for all the energy that just went into my indulgence, I find my self thinking...now what? Today I am in a place of awareness that my addiction to food has morphed into my addiction of men/sex/"the act"... I'm addicted to how men lust after me... I think about how I can conquer them... I reflect on how men have hurt me in the past so now I just want to hurt them. My desire to hurt men or receive hurt from men is all stemmed from feelings of not fitting in, those long ago feelings of being the fatgirl... feelings of rejection. So where do I go from here, I don't know, but I do know I've been able to change my unhealthy association with food so now it's time to reform my unhealthy assoication with men. I'm feeling good about things though... it's difficult but I know it's just a part of my journey. I understand that ultimately my experiences with obesity and how I've learned to love myself enough to put down that slice, will help me do the same when it comes to men... "Keshia put down the slice...lol". Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, June 7, 2010

Blow out your candles and make a wish...

Sometimes you gotta go through hell in order to reach your heaven. Two weekends ago I had the joy of spending time with 2 very special little ladies, and in spending time with them I realized just how magical life is. Now trust me they have learned to be little girls, and with that there's whining, crying and just plain throwing temper tantrums but underneath it all is that sweet peace of just being. It was so funny, my God daughters birthday was this particular weekend and she was turning 4, so of course we talked about blowing out the candles and making a wish... and in the innocent, pure moment my Goddaughter asks me "Keshia when I blow out my candles what are you gonna wish for?" I thought about it and for the first time I thought and said... "well nothing much sweetie, Keshia's perfect... and anything that comes my way is all good and will only make things better". For the first time I realized in telling her that I wished for nothing I could have bored her with the "I want to loose 30 lbs", or tell her about my wish to move out of my parents place, or that I want to be debt free, but all of that was irrelevant for her almost 4 year old life... and in that moment I realized it was irrelevant in my 30 something year old life. I would not be in this place of peace without much heartache and for what I would account for as my own personal hell... we all have a thing that we must go through. We all have some type of issue that needs to be worked out, for me it's the feeling of inadequacy and not feeling good enough. I also know these feelings of inadequacy contributed to childhood issues which transcended into teen issues... those teen issues then became young adult situations... those young adult situations then became grown ass relationship issues!!! I have finally come to the realization that the relationship issues weren't anything to do with the other person or the relationship itself, this issue was all about me, my past and how it is able to still effect my right now... my present. You see when my sweet little Goddaughter asked me what I wished for I realized, in that moment, I wished for nothing everything I wanted, needed, and could ever desire I already possessed. Regardless of my past or what is transpiring right now, today is always going to be all good. No matter what designs I have for my future, right now is giving me just what I need. I wish for nothing except for more of what I have right now, I wish for the happiness of today and for all my friends, family and readers to be able to experience the same level of joy that I can finally say I'm experiencing. This all came from experiencing hell... but I wouldn't have done it any other way. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee