Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Think... Plan... Prosper 2012!

This post was sent to me from a friend.  As you read you'll see it's kind of a homework assignment/fun project that will hopefully help you become a better you as we all enter into 2012.  I really enjoyed the simplicity of the steps and the reflective questions it asks.  So to all my babes... I hope you read, reflect, write, and plan for an even better New YEAR!
Love & Blessings
-Buttaflibabee

Question #1. What is the biggest lesson God has offered me over the last year? When we take time to learn the lessons that our trials and triumphs teach us, God is able to mold our character and use us in greater ways. When you ignore the lessons of life, you often find yourself repeating the same mistakes and enduring the same challenges time and time again.

Question #2. What is my "divine assignment" at this stage of my life? Our purpose can transform over a lifetime. In order to remain in synch with God's timing and purposes, we must seek His "assignment" in the various seasons of our lives.

Question #3. This time next year, what would I like to see different in my life? In other words, what's my vision? You need a vision for where you are going in the coming year. No matter how insignificant you think your life is, God wants you to be deliberate about setting goals and moving forward. God's word tells us to "write the vision and make it plain" (Habakkuk 3:2). That means we should write it down and make it clear and specific. Don't overwhelm yourself with a lot of "New Year's resolutions." Instead, choose something meaningful, even if it is a seemingly small change, and take deliberate steps forward.

Question #4. What have I been procrastinating about? Putting off goals and things that God has laid on your heart to do is stressful. Fear is often the culprit and the New Year is a great time to ask yourself if it is time to get unstuck and pursue certain goals or drop them altogether, thus freeing yourself from the burden of an incomplete task hanging over your head.

Question #5. How could I make more of a positive difference in the lives of others in the next 12 months? Our lives really aren't about us. They are about the purpose for which we were created. What is it that you'd like to do by this time next year that will impact others in a meaningful and positive way?

My challenge to you this week:
Be reflective this week and notice what you've learned and what you've accomplished this year. Celebrate your progress.

Journaling assignment:
Answer each of the five questions posed this week. Is there an important shift or change you need to make as a result of the lessons and events of your life in 2011.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Ordinary Pain.

This feeling I've been having recently feels scary, annoying,  but oh so familiar. I'm approaching a situation that's caused me a great deal of emotional imput, the difference today is in my awareness of this stage. Self-correcting or taking proper steps towards any long term happiness can hurt in the beginning stages, but once you find yourself making good on what you know is right your future will thank you for the immediate pain.

 I can remember back when I was first getting braces... my mouth was full of metal and I, unlike most teenagers, really wanted braces because what God blessed me with in terms of a smile was not favorable! I had a huge gap in the middle of my two front teeth, we later found out that it was due to a tooth not developing.  That little tooth didn't make it's arrival and because of that little thing that God (of course) had all control of, that itty bitty thing changed my life.  I can remember once every-other week my dad would come and pick me up from high school, he would drive me during my lunch hour to the orthodontist in Elmhurst Il.. My dad would drop me off, I'd walk through the door & check-in at the front desk.  After checking in I'd go sit & wait for my dad to come in and sit next to me... waiting... patiently. We would talk a little bit about the news or a funny story of celebrity.  Whatever the case, it was our little time together.  I would then be whisked away. Off to the back I sat down, leaned back, and allowed the orthodontist to tighten my mouth tooth by tooth inching them next to each other... slowing forcing them into position.  All to make way for what was going to be my brand new incisor (B).

All done, my mouth would be aching like a beating heart but whatever reason it was ok, because I knew eventually this would be over and I would have my sparkling smile!  My Daddy would look at me... touch my cheek as we jumped back in the car... he would ask"are you ok... does it hurt?".   Of course he knew the answer (hell it felt like vice grips clamped onto my gums!!!) I would tell him I was ok.   Daddy would then ask if I wanted some Burger King before going back to school, of course I said yes, then back to school I went!  I think about how that time was special, painful, sweet and soooo ordinarily familiar.  I was a 15 year old girl loving the time I spent experiencing pain, knowing the end result would eventually change my life... and end in a cheeseburger.  Maybe I loved that experience even a little bit more because I was with my Daddy, or maybe I loved that time regardless of pain, and cherish that moment because it was just the two of us, working towards a goal.  My dad, escorting his baby girl to have what she wanted most... a sparkling smile!  I think about the little experiences of pain and can't help but be thankful for that time I spent tightening for a smile, I know now the end result has changed my life... it hurt, but it was ok.

Love & Blessings.
- Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Tomorrow...


I wrote this little ditty while I was home sick... so tired I could barely type.  I really feel this is a story  that most everyone can relate to, hope you all enjoy! 
Love. - Buttaflibabee





I have a way about doing things and sometimes the way I do things may confuse most.  Today I'm home sick and while I sit at home struck with body aches, a sore throat, and a overall "icky" feeling, I can't help but think that sometimes our lives work a lot like illnesses.  It all started yesterday, I felt the first signs of a cold coming on and as I talked to my mother searching to receive a small bit of comfort while at work, I was simply feeling miserable!  In the kindest motherly voice, my mother says to me: "I think you just needed to slow down right now and your body is forcing you to do that Keshia!".  I listened to her and agreed but today as I woke up I looked around my house and began to do what I was raised to do when your sick... rest... sleep... and clean!  Isn't it funny that today of all days I wanted to clean my house, wash my hair, change the linens on my bed, and vacuum?  I feel the need to clean so that I can enter the next day feeling redeemed and refreshed.  I find that I live a large majority of my life the same way, I go go go until exhausted and then I find myself sick of going... in fact, within many situations throughout my life I've found myself in a state of "sick".  In the past, I would be longing for home, so that I may contemplate my feelings and cleanse my spirit so that I may feel better the in the morning.  Tomorrow I will feel better just like in life, I've had moments of illness... clean up... and eventually a better next day.  Tomorrow there will be a new day, a refreshed environment, and a resistence to the elements that may have caused  all the hoopla in the first place! Lol.  I hope this post made sense, I hope you all feel better and if today is the day of renewal have a blessed & better tomorrow!


Love & Blessings.
- Buttaflibabe

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Dream...

     There comes a time in a woman's life where she realizes it's not only her divine right to be treated as a queen... but it is also her destiny! That very realization came to me in a dream, or should I say a movie of sorts.  In this movie I just so happened to be leading lady, the producer, and the director.  Now i wont bore you with the details of the entire dream but it did include a train, a convenient store, and 2 men dying... yes I said it, dying/dead.  I know this sounds somewhat bizarre to say the least and yes it did feel like a Quentin Tarantino movie, but the the meaning behind it was exactly what needed to be spoken to me while I had no way out... I couldn't wake up... God had me under his spell.

      The most notable portion of the dream was when I entered a hotel type building, it was tall and it was all white.  I thought it was a hotel but then realized once I got in that it was more like a warehouse building.  The floors were red and all there was when I entered was a single hall way... I guess I forgot to mention earlier in the dream I was lost and desperately trying to make my way back to work.  So the fact that I was going into this strange building searching for help makes perfectly good sense.  I entered the building determined to find help and as soon as I entered the door... it closed.  I went straight to the end of the long hallway to other door surely I would find a front desk, a cup of coffee, and some smiling faces.  To my discouragement all I found was another locked door, so I head back to the other door to walk back out... maybe there was another entrance... maybe I just went the wrong way.  As I got back to the other door I found that door too was now locked.  I then found myself going from one door to the next, back and forth.  This continued until the door leading into the building eventually opened, happy that at least I was getting somewhere I find myself in another hallway.  I did the same thing, I walked down the long hall to find another door and now this door was locked as well.  Of course at this point I'm thinking WTF?!  I began the same dance as before, I go from one door to the next, back and forth, back and forth.  The door refuses to open and so I focus on the door that would lead me to people I have to find people, clearly some one has to be in here! The door finally opens and at this point I realize not only am I going deeper into the building but I'm also on an incline which means I'm also going up.  I go down the next hallway and the next, doing the same ridiculous stunt, but now I don't even care about the old door I'm thinking about the new door, I want to find people, I want to go home!  I stayed at the new door, focused on getting it open, no matter how long or how many tries it takes... this feeling was exhausting.  I get to the last door at this point almost to the top, I've come across no people and no signs of anything.  I'm at the final door, and to my surprise see a familiar face... it's my friend Andretta!
  
     For those who know Andretta she's like an angel of sorts, so I knew seeing her was a good sign. I felt relieved but for whatever reason I didn't ask her for help I just looked at her as I eased my hand to the door.  I was hopeful and could feel something great was behind that last door, it felt like life.. breath... peace was behind that door.  I looked over at Andretta... grasped the doorknob... and it was LOCKED!  "How dare this door be locked" is what I thought.  I then thought "well, all the other doors were locked so why should this door be any different?".  I kept turning the doorknob thinking it would open, heck all the other doors eventually opened.  This one was different it wasn't just gonna open... I started to concentrate more than I had on the other doors, with this one I had to feel the door was gonna open.. I had to really believed I could open the door... I looked at Andretta, she wasn't saying anything she was just looking on pleased but somewhat concerned.  I thought and worked on turning that doorknob some  more... it wouldn't turn, at this point my frustration was taking over, I began to get angry, frustrated.  Eventually my frustrations and anger lead to me falling to the floor and crying, all I wanted was the door to open so why must it be so difficult? I wanted in!  I just wanted to live, then... click.  As I was sobbing at the bottom of the red concrete hallway floor hopeless, without anyone or anything it just opened.  I was shocked... I rose, picked myself up, and walked through the door.  I was in a classroom, and everything and everyone in this classroom was backed in a corner... looking at me with questions in there eyes.  Sitting on a desk was the one and only person free from the corner, this young man had a on soccer jersey, it was red & white.  Out of the windows were trees, big, beautiful, lush trees!  Trees you would almost want to eat or paint, drink or touch.  This dream ... this movie like spell taught me how to dream.

Love & Blessings
- Buttaflibabee

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Press "Play" then Repeat...

I was talking to a girlfriend earlier this week and telling her how I had a bit of a "writers block".  I gabbed about how I would write something and then when I went back and looked at my work I wasn't moved... I went on about how I would go back and read my work and think... did I say this already? Am I repeating myself? Is this really relevant?  My big sister friend told me, "Myskeshia, isn't that what this whole 'blog' thing about? ".  My diary of thoughts and through my experiences in life... you, my reader is able to pull & retain that which can help you.  I said to my friend "well ... yea I guess your right?!".  She explained to me how it didn't matter if it repeats because its your life and experiences, she explained how sometimes life repeats.  So if anyone can pull from my experience... repeated or not, I will let you get your message.  WOW! Is what I thought at this point because it was exactly what I needed to hear.  Here I was thinking it mattered if it had an outstanding message when really it didn't, now I know life itself is the message and simply me sharing and talking about it is what is necessary in the world right now.   Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Hurt people hurt people.

The power to forgive is an amazing gift. We're taught to forgive when we're young, often times the lesson is followed by the saying "we must forgive & forget..". The forgive part is not a problem but that damn forgetting part gets to me every time! I have forgiven those that have done me wrong, I've moved on with my life, and in most situations I've even found myself excelling despite the negative experience. There are those particular experiences though... those certain individuals that have taken me for a loop! Sure I've forgiven, but to forget? Not so much.  I know for sure I've come a long way... I understand my worth and because of that knowledge I've taught myself to break away from those pained individuals and in doing so I've allowed the natural order to take place.  Listening more attentively to what is flowing in, through, and around my life by taking Gods cue's as they come has taught me to break away, but I have a really hard time staying away. I want to heal them due to my natural disposition which is grounded in love which is also the reason why it's so hard to leave a person that I know is in hurting.   I remember hearing on Oprah the phrase "Hurt people hurt people" which is exactly where I am now... how do I love this person that's so clearly hurting without risking being hurt in the process?  I am so pissed at this individual but at the same time I sit and wonder "why did you feel the need to be so mean... who fucked you over so bad that you would say such evil things to me?".  The relationship is for now destroyed but I must admit I hope this person apologizes, I really would love to love them if only they allowed me to do so. No matter what... I love myself more and for that reason and that reason alone... I forgive... it's too soon to forget... but I will walk away from the pain and pray for their healing from a distance.  Love & Blessings - Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Sad

This post will probably go down as my shortest post ever...but in actuality who cares? I needed to write about this subject before I explode ooooor I'm haunted by it forever.  Have you ever loaned money to the wrong person? Sure most of us have, but have you ever repeatedly loaned money in your past and because of it your in a position of serious financial hardships.  I have... I have in the past but it still haunts me today.  I have asked for this money back... I have forgiven and have tried to forget... I have prayed about it... but still I need my fucking money!? What do you do? I can't sue, no address. The worst part is... I still support (emotionally) and try to befriend this nigga... and still no doe?!  I know I shouldn't be friends with this person anymore. I also realize I should tell them to pay me back now... but how? I don't know what to do,  which is why I've come to this platform... my stage to ask... What do I do?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Single Butterfly

Being alone...
Sometimes I think about myself... alone
I often wonder what I'm all about... who am I... what am I
alone.
I chose to be alone... I choose to be alone... and I'm not sure why
often times I sit and wonder will this always be
me... alone.
It's comforting yet painfully empty
Being alone
u can feel like your the only one... peaceful
u can feel like your the only one... tragic
It's what they tell you to do so that you can be strong
but strength can be so weak
I'm not quite sure how this will turn out
Social butterfly I may be
Still no one ever wonders
where that butterfly flutters
when the wind blows
where does it go?
The butterfly
is only seen for that fleeting moment
of beauty
never will they see
the quiet space
all for that temporary grace
yet still
The Butterfly
flies
alone.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Love Light

"Love me in the light" is a statement that has come to my mind most recently - without sounding conceited, because I've found myself attracting more & more men these days. Some of theses men have been younger, some older... some (I hate to say) are married... some occasionally single... but most of them involved... in some way shape or form.  With this new found awareness I find myself reflecting on what my mom and others have said to me & about me.  They've always told me I had a "light" a little sumthin that attracts people in general to me, that people naturally want to be around me... I can't quite explain it but I've learned how to accept it.  As for right now though I wanna talk about my experiences with attracting men to this "light".   My issues with this "attracting men" thing seems to stem from the "former fatgirl"... see as a fatgirl you don't get much attention especially from men, but now that I have made a transformation in body & spirit  I am no longer the "fatgirl"... I'm that "Oooouuuu that girl!".  With that type of reaction & attraction I've found it hard to tell men... NO! Now don't get me wrong, I don't just go out with every (i.e. married) guy nor do I have sex with every guy I do choose to go out with, but I will admit to my light being... often times... sexually charged. Thus me needing a filter... a "love me in the light" kinda filter! I can now acknowledge that there are plenty of fish in the sea but most of these potential men are involved or semi involved & that's where your "love me in the light" filter comes in effect.  You have to say this to yourself when it all comes down to it... "You can love me, you can be attracted to me, you can even desire or lust for me to no end... but unless you can love me in the light you've got some growing up to do".  For now... those are my thoughts. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Drowning in Beautiful.

Today I'm featuring a poem written by my friend Duane Holmes.  I love the way this poem moves & flows.  Just listen to the way Duane speaks about love, the way we open ourselves up to the possiblility of it all... how exciting! Thank you Duane for your lovely piece I know my readers will enjoy!

Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Your mind is floating; walking down a deserted beach with nothing under you but your thoughts, hand in hand, pianos sprinkle lightly in your mind, images of smiles and bitten lips and furrowed brows and squeezes, jumping and playing, self-consciousness nowhere to be found. You trust and know, know that the person you are with is what you need, not just for this day, but for many days to come, the beating in your heart gets a little deeper. Rhythm deepening, let yourself go, your gonna be fine, arms wide open, eyes glistening, fingers stretching to finally feel. Damn


Poem written by: Duane Holmes

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Thankful.

He's taught me I am love
He's shown me I deserve love
He provided a reason to be more
What he doesn't know is I am thankful for
... his sacrifice
He gave me a mirror
He told me it's okay...
look!
see?!
Oh how beautiful you are
He listened as I cried
He honored my decision...
to leave
He gave me all he had
and in the end he allowed me...
to walk away
The struggle was there
The feelings were raw
Sometimes its still
...tough.
To think, when it came down to it
He loved me
... and now even though forever was not meant to be
his love has provided me
a better understanding of
what was taught
what was shown
what was provided
and what he doesn't know
is that I will forever
be thankful.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Full Circle

Today I come to my readers with a new story... the story that begins & ends with me.  When I started this blog I had the intention of being that voice for the voiceless, to talk about the things that are uncomfortable and maybe even shameful.  I would be the friend that would speak up and tell my story so that every other fatgirl would feel safe in their feelings. The title "Confessions of a Reformed Fatgirl" may sound nice and poetic but the fact is I am still yet reformed and still very "fat" at times. You see my mind has finally caught up with the initial 100lb weight-loss but if you didn't know me from back in the day you would still think I have a long way to go, not to say I haven't done a great job but it is true.  I realize today the journey must pick up once again,  reforming ones self is a continuous process but for me the weightloss portion of this journey begins the second leg it's race today.  When I first began my weight-loss journey it was simply to look "normal", shop in normal stores, and to not look soooooo friggin big. The basic goal was to not stand out.  I've recently been reflecting on the first time I was on this weight loss journey and the first time around I wanted to finally be noticed, but also strangely enough invisible.  On one hand I so desperately wanted to be desired by men, I wanted to get married but then on the other hand my mentality was stuck in it's old ways so I also felt the urge to shrink & hide.  This time around I choose to lose weight, not for a feeling of normality but for the exact opposite, this time I seek the feeling of excellence! This time I want to stand out... be heard... make a difference! This time is one of those full circle moments Oprah always talks about, because this time I've gone from wanting to shrink & hide to wanting all eyes on me.  This time my journey will be blessed because I have finally recognized I am better that normal I am extraordinary and will do extraordinary things to help others in their own personal journey. This time instead of wanting to fit in I want to stand out and stand up so that others can see me, know you can go through and experience successes, failures and struggles but still understand God has even more for you to give and more for you to live! So cheers to this full circle moment and cheers to my new adventure that  I am so honored to be sharing with all of you! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Walls.

It's funny how when we're born we have no preconceived notions about anything, our guard down without knowing and we love completely & without restraint.  As we mature that carefree attitude is considerably different, life molds us in a way that is far different than our childlike selves.  We have no doubt experienced situations that would make us look at people, relationships & issues differently, at this point in adulthood we have walls that have been constructed due to experiences, our own pain as well as our successes which result in in undoubted happiness. Initial introductions of a new job, a new person, and a new relationship constructs these wall of protection instinctually but the depth and height of each wall can vary depending on each particular situation.  Eventually the question arises if you want to tear down these protective walls, do you desire the full experience of life?  If this internal wall... this barrier does not come down we will experience life restricted...suffocated and absent of real joy. Life will feel like an isolation chamber, you'll be able to look up, you may even feel the comfort of the familiar space, but the enormous world that's out there will not be discovered.  The reason why I am writing about the walls that we tend to construct in our lives is because those feelings of restriction is how I've felt for over 30 years.  Even though I appear to be a very outgoing and comfortable I would relax confines of the small space located in my soul... the isolation chamber in my mind.  Slowly I have torn down these walls one by one, but still I find myself quickly constructing new ones, no more than 2 weeks ago did I come to the realization that a friend of mine had no idea who I was, never able to really experience Keshia.  I had such shameful   feelings as I reflected on our relationship, saddened by the way I treated him, our friendship, and ultimately my soul. I emailed him a quick apology simply stating that I felt bad for treating him so mean, I know that didn't really explain much but at least I felt better knowing that I could now forgive myself for such a huge mistake. I could go into details about every single wall I've constructed and explain myself to every single individual how sorry I was that I constructed a wall between them and the real me.  I could go into detail with every employer, teacher, relative, and friend about how this "person" they came across from time to time was simply behind glass like a prisoner, the glass was simply protecting my soul.  Right now I am seeing the fullness of life, breathing in the fresh air that surrounds me and appreciating what a beautiful world I live in.  I once lived in a life that had air... stale air, it had life, it even had successes and failures but the comfort that I felt in that small room and the fear I had outside of those walls were able to overcome my opportunities.  The walls suffocated life's promises, and stifled whatever growth tried to emerge from within.  Walls are good God created them for a reason, but for some reason I feel they're best for buildings not human beings. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Feelings...

I've learned that
if I still want him... 
that's ok.
I've learned that
thinking about him...
is ok.
I've learned that
it is not a sin.
That wanting him
doesn't make me weak...
or a fool..
or less than.
You see wanting him
simply makes me...
human.
I feel bad 
when I think of how much
 I hurt him
i feel bad 
that he didn't have a chance to see 
the true me
that he didn't have a chance to know 
the real me
I've learned that
even though the truth was not yet fully revealed...
to him
The truth was revealed... 
to me.
And because of that...
I don't feel so bad.


Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Natural Sin.

This past weekend as I was hanging out with some friends & I thought about our own natural sin, the type of weakness that as an individual we naturally have due to the conditions and the environment we grew up in. I can identify & relate to this point completely because I have asked God why I was born fat I even wrote about it in a previous blog. After writing that post my Godmother called me saying: "Keshia you weren't born fat were simply born with a love of food... okay and let's just say it (she continued) you grew up in a food lovin environment". I think about how my family socializes and relates to food and each other and came to the conclusion I was born into a "fat/food" addicted family. My family literally lives to indulge in the pleasure of eating... they love revealing what goodies everyone brought, we talk about how we made each specific dish with extra special love & attention and of course with that lil summthin summthin. So when you finally go in for that piece, or that serving, or that second helping, it's like a high... you've reached some euphoric climax. After my family feasts we would talk about how good it was and how we can't wait to have just one more serving, peice or bite. This past weekend I realized I was born into a food family, now I don't blame my family because I was indeed well loved but the focus that we had was food so obviously I was going to be fat, this was the natural course of my dysfunction... this was my natural sin. To accept that I was going to be fat... period, was something that was difficult to digest but more importantly what I have done is accept my addiction, and the acceptance of this food addiction is exactly what's kept me down 100lbs. The fact that I am a different person... some may say this process as "getting saved"... some may call it "coming into your awareness"... some may call it "the secret"... some may even say it's finding my chi... or element... or whatever we want to call it. I know that I am at a point we're my dysfunction's no longer go there natural course anymore... I still fall of the wagon with ridiculous behavior, but over all I can control what used to be uncontrollable I can work at a "office job" and like it because I know it is tapping into my natural gifts & talents. I know now I can be fearless when wanting something, I can go after it with passion and determination and without doubt even if I fail I have the ability to say "that's ok I just learned and practiced something that I will eventually master!". This weekend is when I got out of my awful funk because this weekend I realized that my natural sin was all apart of an amazing process... process of life... process to purpose. Love & Blessing - Buttaflibabee

Monday, January 31, 2011

Change

So today I've been having a hard time writing, even though deep down in my spirit I've wanted to say something so desperately I simply couldn't get the words out... until now.  The feeling of being stuck has been a running theme in my life, so I decided to talk it out with a friend and what he told me was: "change is good but only if the change your changing to isn't bad" I pondered on what he said agreed.  Yes, to a degree change is good if that change your moving towards is working in your best interest, but the same time I asked myself, what about those times you make r
a really poor decisions and that decision sends you into a period of growth?  Now of course this change can't be "bad"... can it?  I have experienced plenty of change more recently in my life, changes at my job, changes in location, changes in friends, and changes in security, now is all of this change good?  That's hard to say simply stated; only time will tell, and only time will reveal.  One thing I know is true is the fact that I have learned how to make more solid decisions in relationships and matters of the heart, this includes all types of relationships and their quality.  I have learned how to cherish those that are really positive and I have learned to walk away from those that bring nothing but destruction.  Not until recently have I been able to grasp the anger & understand how to really be angry... now that's change!  I now give my self permission to be pissed & plain bitchy and I don't feel bad about it.  Out of this pain & anger comes a rebirth of my spirit, out of the hurt comes newness to my soul.  All of this from change.  Now I'm moving forward with my goals... some of them professional, and some of them personal but moving forward without fear. I have no way of knowing if my next move is going to be my chosen destiny or if it will be my next failure, but I do know this whatever move is made will be a good decision, and whether it's a "good" move or a "bad" move it's all good because it will all form the best of who I am.  All the this life is mold you to be the best and that is as plan and as simple as it gets.  Yea change is good... it is what life and living is all about.

Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, January 10, 2011

Inherent Royalty

Wow it's been awhile since I've connected with my readers just simply due a normal busy life.  Today is a different day and for me that's an awesome thing to say.  I was thinking about my parents and in thinking about them I thought about how special I am.  Sometimes we think our parents are villains straight evil, I'm here to admit to those thoughts and also apologize to God & my parents for feeling that way.  I really believe God knew what he was doing when he placed me in the care of those two.  See my parents love each other, in fact they love each other the way you should love a partner, they understood the growth potential each other had.  My mom has always been an intelligent woman, strong and very driven in her goals, my dad has always wanted the best out of life and equally thought he was the best and thus he always felt he deserved the best in a woman... hence their connection.  I've been thinking about my life as it stands and of course I think about being 34 and single... again.  Within this thought process I often times think about my life, in it's present form, can be a little disheartening (depressing some may say) and only because I know I have so much to offer a partner but in recent weeks or maybe even days I've come to understand the reasoning behind my prolonged single status.  The work that I must do in my life is not quite there yet, now I know like I know like I know that I have growth to experience, a huge tremendous amount of growth to experience.  In this realization I have looked myself in the mirror recently and was able to see the greatness that my mom saw in herself, the greatness my dad saw in himself, and ultimately the greatness they saw in each other.  Again I look in the mirror and I realize just how much they love me.  See my parents have always felt they were great and thus I was born from greatness, they had no doubt in there my mind that I too was powerful and full of potential.  I remember feeling this pressure as I was growing up and this "pressure" was really simply my parents expectations of greatness... I was the one who labeled it "pressure".  You see I didn't understand the confidence they had in me and for a long time I thought this level of confidence was conceit or ridiculous bragging, I felt as though they were so self indulgent when really all it was for them was a feeling of inherent pride.  See I am a Leon which stands lion... king of the jungle, now my dad exudes that, he feels as though my brother and I should inherit the earth, he's always felt what God ultimately feels for all of us.  My father feels as though I was born into a Camelot of sorts... royalty!  My father feels as though my brother is a prince and I am a princess, not until recently did I see my inherent royalty status... not until recently was I ready to wear my crown.  I've got my crown and I'm getting ready to put it on... do you have yours? Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee