Sunday, January 31, 2010

Scars of forgiveness

I definitely needed some time away from my blog. I never thought that through writing this, that for once, I would heal as drastically as I have, but then again... maybe I did. Well today I feel like this was the best decision I've ever made in my entire life, deciding to take ownership of my past... the good, and the bad, and the ability and power to forgive. I feel forgiveness is like VIP access to happiness... it gets you there faster. So forgive I must. Now grant it I won't forget but I must forgive, so that I can continue this journey. The funny thing is that I finally understand that the hurt that I have felt, and still feel, is actually making me the complete and whole person that I am. It doesn't necessarily feel good all the time, and absolutely does not feel good in the moment, but when I look back, it was worth the pain. I sometimes wince when I look in the mirror, due to the sagging skin, stretch marks and skin discoloration. I wince at my own image. As I stand in the mirror I have to look slowly at myself and tell myself, you are beautiful, you are sexy, you are pretty. I stand there naked, telling myself what I know is true, but still need to say it so that I convince myself all over again, everyday... everyday. Every time I wake up in the morning I am reminded of he pain that I experienced by being obese for so long, every time I look in the mirror I am reminded of the pain... every time. Like a burn victim after their burns have healed, they are still always reminded of the fire because of the scars. I look at my body and forgive myself for not caring more about myself all of those years, but the scars are still there to remind me, still I forgive. So forgive, not only others but also yourself, remember its like VIP access to happiness... it gets you there faster! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Reflection

Today is a day of reflection. I don't have that fearful feeling anymore, the one that was consuming my body yesterday, so today I can reflect on how it felt and how I reacted toward it. I must admit I am extremely proud of myself, not just because of how I handled the feelings and issues that I was faced with but more importantly acknowledging the feelings in the first place. I sometimes feel like a 25 year old even though I'm 5 years past that age. I feel as if I'm re-experiencing life for the first time. Kind of like when you get glasses for the first time and you realize how blurry everything was before you had them and now how clear everything is with them on. I love this new life, I really do. I know there is a ton of work ahead for me but I know the level of strength that I have and I'm excited to get started! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Yesterday was scary, and I mean scary! If I was my former self I would've been stuck in the refrigerator half the night eating mindlessly to ease my fears and the feelings of terror that was consuming me. Feelings of inadequacies is my devil, it is the thing that I've felt since I was a 10 year old 250lb little girl who had to weigh in front of the whole class. It is the thing that made me think that my weight was my devil, that if I fixed my weight... if I lost the weight then my devil would go away. I know that I am talented but time after time I haven't let those talents shine due to feelings of inadequacies, I sing and the reasons I don't is because of those feelings of not being good enough. I remember going to a state solo competition and actually sabotaging my chances at winning an award because I didn't think I was good enough. Now I'm at a crossroads in my life where I can feel these feelings as they approach me I know that if they creep upon me I have to acknowledge them or else I won't be able to overcome them ever. I can see now that I hold myself back, that I am so stuck in passive aggressiveness that it paralyzes me, that I am holding myself back from everything I ever wanted in life... PERIOD! I'm not saying that this was something that happened over night it has been a progression of how I was feeling when I stood in front of the class in 5th grade and was humiliated. These feelings come from a place of when other classmates were doing things and they were not including me... because for what I could only equate to was my obesity. I love my new position in life I love where I am working and I love where I am in the world, but I still battle the thoughts & feelings of "less than" the feelings of "not enough" the feelings that if I'm too straight forward and too upfront that people won't like me. If I really go for what I want, if I really unleash my talents then I open the door to scrutiny, pressure and attention. Do I really want that? Yes I do, am I afraid? Yes I am... but I know that it is now time to live the way God intended for me to live! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Love is...

I'm sitting here with my nephew and through him I see what real love is. This little boy could care less what clothes I have on, if I have on make-up or not, or how much I weigh. Now don't get it twisted if Auntie comes down and looks too crazy he will stare at me as if to say "what happened to you Auntie?" but that's about it. He loves me to no end and that's why I will rearrange my schedule just for him, why I don't mind working crazy shifts just to be with him a lil more throughout the week... its because the feeling I get from his love and affection is like no other. Isn't that what real love is about, where you will move mountains and take ridiculous schedules just to spend time with that special someone. Deepak Chopra says that in order to experience love you must identify with what that feeling is like. The love that I feel with my nephew (unconditional) is what I've opened my heart to want to feel, of course this love would have a different spin on it but the foundation will be the same... simple... pure... and everlasting. When it's all said and done what we really want is to be desired, loved and appreciated without terms and conditions. Hmm that's what its all about isn't it? Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Monday, January 25, 2010

Breakthrough

The passive aggressive lifestyle is for the birds! Throughout my life I've lived in a state of passive aggressiveness... I closet ate, isn't that a form of passive aggressiveness? The more you live in truth, truth of all things the better you feel... true peace. Today I was having a so so day with it's highs and lows but what I realized is that Sunday I was on top of the world, and why was that? I felt good, I looked good, I smelled good and my work day reflected the goodness of how I was feeling. Today was the overflow from that wonderfully good yesterday, and the only reason why yesterday was so wonderful was because I declared it to be that way! I knew walking in the door that the world was mine for the taking, I knew that everything that was going to happen that day was going to be for the betterment of the people I helped, but more importantly for the betterment of myself. I knew for the first time that God made me perfectly and that there was no force that could stop me. I knew for the first time that I was a beautifully intelligent woman blessed with all the gifts & talents in the world. I knew for the first time what the bible said was true, that we are all created in his image.... that we are descendants of God. This was truly a revelation for me, for the first time in all of my life I believed in myself, that was a breakthrough... Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Sunday, January 24, 2010

No longer a blog virgin!

So this is my first post as a "blogger" it kinda feels weird but at the same time oh so familiar. I'm trying to get the hang of all of this and really get a handle of how all of what's going on in my mind will come across on the screens of so many computers. Well as the title of this blog reads this is the blog about my life as a once 300lb teen and eventual young woman. How I'm now learning to live in this new life (even though I've been down over 100lbs for over 8 years) and how living in this new book in my library of life. I'll get into more details regarding the events of my past I'm sure, but as I said earlier I'm just getting into the swing of things here on blogspot.com. Love & Blessings. - Keshia