Whole in the Soul

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over; it became a butterfly.”

- Anonm

That aching feeling of wanting to do better, knowing you can do better, feeling you can do better... but for whatever reason not being able to do better.  For the past few days I’ve been grappling with intense feelings of fear, insecurities, and a lack luster level of confidence.  I know on the surface I may come across as the most outgoing, confident and fearless woman you know... or know about, well today I'm here to tell you the truth.  Everyone who reads this blog is quite aware of my previous war with weight which I've openly talked about in previous posts, those struggles and eventual success is essentially the undercurrent of this entire blog.  With such a huge transformation comes moments of extreme insecurity.  Sometimes those insecurities surface through the sound of a hidden voice, that annoying little something that tells me "you can't do that",  sometimes I hear it in a whisper "your not worthy of all of those good things".  The result of listening to such a voice has been detrimental, over the years I have taught myself how to dim my light just from hearing that small voice over and over again...that voice was controlling who I thought I was.  Not until recent have I been able to clearly hear the voice for what it was and re-trained my mind to listen to the soul, listen to the other voice... the voice of God.  I write this with the realization that I’ve been extremely absent from my blog for a few very good reasons, this one being the most important of all lessons... learning how to free myself from the darkness that resided in my soul.

I think it's safe to say we all struggle with fears, but for me that struggle had been well disguised throughout the majority of my life.  Life as I knew it was masked with the illusion of confidence, care-free happiness, and a "I've got it all together" type of attitude.  Since I can remember I've been regarded as the “funny one” or the “social butterfly”, the "life of the party"... and while those titles where fun and sweet, they were also extremely misleading from the real Myskeshia.   The real truth is I've had a hole... a kind of emptiness, that I've felt in my soul since I can remember.  Throughout the years I've been filling the hole within with a multitude of different things, people, and substances in order to create the outward image of completion or wholeness.  When I was a little girl the space was filled with food, chatter, and jokes, once I got a bit older and headed off to college I filled the hole with marijuana.  The euphoric feeling I felt when, during and after I would get high gave me a false since of confidence that I enjoyed and relished in, not only was I funny... I was friggin HILARIOUS... I could dance all night and for the first time I was getting noticed.   After college and weight loss the hole was filled with going out, drinking and "finding a boyfriend", getting drunk gave me a sense of courage and allowed my inhibitions to melt away.  Once I found that boyfriend the emptiness had plenty of things being thrown it's way, at that point it was all about buying a house, getting married, and creating a home... but how can you build a home on a sinkhole of a foundation? Eventually the truth came to light and my marriage was over, the empty hole needed to be filled again this time with divorce, anger, resentment, guilt, partying, and then back to the mary jane.  Fast forward to today... it’s all gone, the hole is empty again... really empty but this time I'm aware of it's emptiness and I've chosen to feel the hole not fill it.  If some of you have thought "man Keshia's been a bit distant" it’s because I have been.  If I've seem a bit different...maybe a tad bit more meek, mild mannered, it's a pretty simple explanation... it's because I am.  I have gone back to who I was before the hole, learning how to live again only this time with the emptiness, allowing time to fill and eventually heal the hole and becoming whole once again.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee