Saturday, December 1, 2012

Deep Sleep


I know that it’s real
don’t wanna think about it
don’t wanna dream about it
but all day the memories...
keep flashin.
That’s how I know
it just happened...again.
The embrace
The touch
The kiss can’t be imaginary
can't be fake.
The way he slides his hands up my thighs
and brushes his lips against mine. 
The way he held my hand.
There’s no way
this could be a setup, or a playdate
no effin way this is pretend.
No land of make believe or to the otherside. 
The otherside is here.
The otherside is right now
or at least it was last night.
When I fell asleep... yea I thought I was simply resting
my eyes.
I just eased into sleep
drifted away into restful slumber
Will it happen again???
No need to wonder... but it does.
This mutha-effin mental matinee
No dress rehearsal for this shit...
this intimate movie/play
behind my eyes.
My dreams directed by a power much higher than mine
Tomorrow I. Will. Try.
Try and rush the thoughts away.
Maybe I can cloud the visions with nothingness.
A storm cloud with lots and lots of rain
or a tornado perhaps
Crazy whirlwind of a drunken nights kiss…
Or possibly a fluffed up promise
of being loved
...taken care of
or swept away...does that shit still exist?
Don’t know why I try to pretend
Don’t know why I won’t simply give in
To the unconscious evening of passion
the private moments when the sun sets
alert thinking starts a'passin
away.
And night begins
Hours of lasting kisses heavy breathing and me saying
no
then yes
Feelings of fear that lurk
You see I’m stronger now,
No falling victim anymore
I’m bolder now…
Done with bad decisions
...like before.
Even though the earth moves beneath me
I make myself brush it off
...the desire at least
for a part-time
no time
half time
half ass
relation-shits!
No time for-giving-in 
to the unrealistic bullshit
typa thinking.
but every night heeeee's baaaack
while I'm mutha-fuggin sleepin
ya see he kinda creeps in.
Outta nowhere
so I...
can’t escape him
I...
Can’t replace him
I...
Can’t touch him
Until night falls
And God calls
saying he's bringing him back to me
but only when I’m deep
asleep...
in my dreams.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee




Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Party Art

He makes me happy
I smile and giggle
and do all the girl things
a girls supposed to do.
He makes me laugh
with every motion,
his eyes lights as he welcomes
my frame... out on the floor
He makes me breathe deep.
I wanna take in more air
Ahhhh when he's around
I wanna breathe deep
n'take in all the air.
In this room.
Speakers sounds pumping
awaiting our entrance
anticipating our existence
...out on the floor.
I don't have moments of sadness or doubt
no moments of insecurities
no room for let downs.
Cuz I know
he loves me.
More than anything else
while we dance,
I know he loves...me.
He told me once
told me he couldn't help himself.
told me he needed to brace himself
for the real forreal...
never found someone that moves like you girl... forreal
Shit this is the way the universe meant for this to feel girl
the thrill! Blood racing with furry
Warmth
heart pounding, dancing, expanding with glory
excited for new love
of dance
of this beat... this rhythm... this base
running, jumping rhythmically finding the music...
blending into its pace
musics moment in timeless skies
hands laced like a crocheted scarf as our hands glide
is my arms around his body
or is his arms around mine???
taking in each others breath
air sweet as we dance ourselves to death!
resurrected by pulsing of beats...
the tapping,
the timing
the moving of our feet
the muscles in our thighs
legs upon legs... mine between yours
yours between mine.
nose nuzzled near my ear
lips on the crook of my neck...
all we hear are the DJ sounds putting that shit on deck.
Sweats dripping like an erotic perfume
at this point
a unisex fragrance that is unique
personal
distinct... to this joint.
Our bodies can barely be seen as 2
Most definitely one
it's the law up in this muuffucka
sheeeeiiiit it's how it gets done up in this muthafucka!
The real thing
The beating heart
My dance partner for life
Watch
as our souls become party art.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee 

Monday, November 12, 2012

the fall...

When he looks at me he sees beyond my eyes
… he sees the real me... the essence of me.
When he touches my body he touches more than my flesh
... he touches my soul.
When he kisses me he kisses more than my lips
... he tastes the interior of my thoughts.
When he holds me he holds more than my body
he embraces my hopes my dreams.
When he makes me smile he gives me more than joy
… he gives me a sense of well- being.
When we connect we do more than intertwine
we rise to new heights new levels
… we explore climatic bliss.
With touch
With more love
With the deepest kiss.
From that power we find ourselves stripping down to nothingness
seeing more than exposed arms
Legs
Breast
Head.
We see light
Sunshiny sparkles
New found strength
Newly chartered heights.
New found power
Every hour is a new found hour.
Every inch he enters
He finds new parts of my existence
less time for resistance.
becoming less & less hard to expose
But easy to give in.
Love is it?
...I think that’s without saying.
Real is it?
…well for now there's no playin.
Forever is it… right now yes, and that's all we have.
The risk we take is never in the plan... never in the foreseeable future
and yet so painfully simple.
Like a child with mud pies and easy bake
Ovens
All I want right now is his lovin
All I want right now
Is the you that's in me.
Together
Right now filled with nothing less describable as "plain ole' happy"
better yet
a perfect fit
When he touches, and kisses, and caresses,
It’s not just for him but for life
Not just for me but for life.
Do you see?
Do you understand...
do you get me?
Make sure you take my hand
and don’t let go
squeeze... just squeeze.
and don’t say no
Just collapse deep in me
inhale  1-2-3-4 with me
exhale 1-2-3-4 with me
After we kiss he become one in me
When you take me, make sure you take all of me
and when you come make sure you have it all in me.
Right now I'm ready
For the fall
Into love.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Reborn.


The day decided to give it all away
I surrendered to the way 
I was made
Created
Birthed
Given life here on this earth
The day I decided to go
My own way
the opposite of astray
No
closer to his vision
the decision to come
into my own
 Waking up to new light 
new sight
on new blessings
unlocking doors that were meant to be lessons
jammed shut
banging banging banging on the door
waiting for just the right...
time.
 The day I decide to say goodbye
and yet hello 
all in the same wave
the same second
the same day
 smiling from ear to ear 
all the while knowing
the truth of it all
the root of it all
The day I stopped turning the knob
 allowing the door to open on its own
 sadness most times wets your palette for joy
tears the appetizer for eternal bliss
pools that well up like bubbles awaiting the spill
out of the tub
the overflow of love
its all you ever dreamed of
but it's nothing like you imagined
being here
is nothing I could've imagined 
The day I decided to learn what needed to be taught
Understanding life's the school
I the attentive pupil
God the dedicated teacher
and earth... our world the class.
Me green with fresh fallen ignorance
Of now
the how 
 the why 
 the when 
senses open listening acutely to the lesson given.
Class without a need for a black board
or chalk or books
so sit down and open your eyes
and look
out the window
at our huge open school
The bells ringing
I'm already seated
Excited to absorb the lessons that are needed
Nothing worth having has ever been easy
The day I decided to open my heart
close my eyes
trust my soul
Love my existence
The day I decided to live this life-time in non-resistance
That was the day
my life began.
Reborn.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee

Monday, October 22, 2012

Whole in the Soul

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over; it became a butterfly.”

- Anonm



That aching feeling of wanting to do better, knowing you can do better, feeling you can do better... but for whatever reason not being able to do better.  For the past few days I’ve been grappling with intense feelings of fear, insecurities, and a lack luster level of confidence.  I know on the surface I may come across as the most outgoing, confident and fearless woman you know... or know about, well today I'm here to tell you the truth.  Everyone who reads this blog is quite aware of my previous war with weight which I've openly talked about in previous posts, those struggles and eventual success is essentially the undercurrent of this entire blog.  With such a huge transformation comes moments of extreme insecurity.  Sometimes those insecurities surface through the sound of a hidden voice, that annoying little something that tells me "you can't do that",  sometimes I hear it in a whisper "your not worthy of all of those good things".  The result of listening to such a voice has been detrimental, over the years I have taught myself how to dim my light just from hearing that small voice over and over again...that voice was controlling who I thought I was.  Not until recent have I been able to clearly hear the voice for what it was and re-trained my mind to listen to the soul, listen to the other voice... the voice of God.  I write this with the realization that I’ve been extremely absent from my blog for a few very good reasons, this one being the most important of all lessons... learning how to free myself from the darkness that resided in my soul.

I think it's safe to say we all struggle with fears, but for me that struggle had been well disguised throughout the majority of my life.  Life as I knew it was masked with the illusion of confidence, care-free happiness, and a "I've got it all together" type of attitude.  Since I can remember I've been regarded as the “funny one” or the “social butterfly”, the "life of the party"... and while those titles where fun and sweet, they were also extremely misleading from the real Myskeshia.   The real truth is I've had a hole... a kind of emptiness, that I've felt in my soul since I can remember.  Throughout the years I've been filling the hole within with a multitude of different things, people, and substances in order to create the outward image of completion or wholeness.  When I was a little girl the space was filled with food, chatter, and jokes, once I got a bit older and headed off to college I filled the hole with marijuana.  The euphoric feeling I felt when, during and after I would get high gave me a false since of confidence that I enjoyed and relished in, not only was I funny... I was friggin HILARIOUS... I could dance all night and for the first time I was getting noticed.   After college and weight loss the hole was filled with going out, drinking and "finding a boyfriend", getting drunk gave me a sense of courage and allowed my inhibitions to melt away.  Once I found that boyfriend the emptiness had plenty of things being thrown it's way, at that point it was all about buying a house, getting married, and creating a home... but how can you build a home on a sinkhole of a foundation? Eventually the truth came to light and my marriage was over, the empty hole needed to be filled again this time with divorce, anger, resentment, guilt, partying, and then back to the mary jane.  Fast forward to today... it’s all gone, the hole is empty again... really empty but this time I'm aware of it's emptiness and I've chosen to feel the hole not fill it.  If some of you have thought "man Keshia's been a bit distant" it’s because I have been.  If I've seem a bit different...maybe a tad bit more meek, mild mannered, it's a pretty simple explanation... it's because I am.  I have gone back to who I was before the hole, learning how to live again only this time with the emptiness, allowing time to fill and eventually heal the hole and becoming whole once again.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Unspoken Words

So I sit still and listen
As God speaks
I pull myself into myself to find him in back of me
Supporting me
Arms wrapped around me
I listen to his words but he does not speak
Word he needs not use
He whispers thoughts into my mind
Nudging me gently to a place of calm
shhhhhh....quiet down
Whispering thoughts to the me that you do not see
He does not speak to the flesh of me
the human me
the me with blood pumping
moving through veins to muscles and around bones
No
He does not speak to the body
chest with ribs protecting my heart and lungs
spine supporting stomach liver and kidneys
No
God whispers to the inner me
The center of me
The humming buzzing illumined light that is
me
The spirit inside...
within and throughout where the real "me" resides.
The me that has been alive since the beginning of time
When God speaks there
That's when I feel
Him
My Grandmother called that feeling "your first mind"
Others call it The Holy Spirit
Some say it's intuition
I call it God
The truth & the all knowing
The ultimate protector of life and time
while in this vessel this body
while on this earth.
Communication with God has become very direct and clear
I stay quiet with attentiveness making sure I hear
the message
The message pulls at my center
tugging at me like a string
Behind my back I can feel
the tug
a little tug
yank, yank yank
I close my eyes and see the glow from atop my mind
flashes begin to sparkle inside of me
like fireworks behind my eyes
flickers of light in my mind
That's when I know I'm within presence of The Power
So I listen
to him speak
He makes the now become clear
no need for psychics
no need for sneak peeks
Nearing my purpose I feel the power more
Loving my existence here…
wanting to do more…
Feeling the guidance
Doing more in this world we’re in is not easy
Understanding who's speaking the loudest can be confusing
The truest test is tuning down the sound
of the others
Who's that talking?
Mastering the distinction of his voice
Interpretation
Feeling & hearing more than just sound & touch
But feeling the touch inside is more than enough
To know
Where to go in this place
Sit back
take notice
of how the world moves in front of you
Utterly amazing
Who would ever think that a mind a body and a soul connected the by the creator
Without a flaw
abrasion or scar
Just simply the truth of living
Perfection from
Reflection

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee

Friday, September 14, 2012

Closet Rock

I think about my former self
the thought of her makes me weep.
The sadness of her tortured soul
compels me to immediately
go to her defense.
She wanted to die back then
During that time she shocked herself
because she knew there was more.
Saving someone else 
wasn't enough anymore
The food that once comforted her
was now tasteless
but that was all she knew
She searched for any familiar anything
to get her mind off of this
life
her life
So she swallowed and chewed
up her emotions.
Digesting the disgust for the life
that was now hers.
The glamour of the event soon spoiled... 
the regal lies
that was served on silver trays had now tarnished
the food now rotten
the beautiful curtains now mildewed
If only she saw her own beauty...
maybe she could save herself
but instead she behaved herself.
Somewhere deep inside herself
the gorgeousness that was truth since birth still remained
but no one ever told her... but him
at least not out loud... not. one. single. "him".
So she just kept trying to save...him.
But how do you save someone who so desperately
wants to pull you in
and under
drowning you both as you try to swim
Her comfort came from that place she was told to go
back then... when she was a child.
The closet, quiet, tight and closed in.
She'd rock herself to sleep
feelin the arms of God surrounding her
she'd rock herself to sleep.
Thinking of this major decision
promises she had to keep
to herself.
Cuz now the drowning had gotten way too deep.
So she kept rocking in the closet
rocking herself to sleep.
At times he would find her there
in the morning
She could feel the bars on her prison
closing
Question after question... of who, of why, how and when
Sometimes the lies the lies
just kept happenin
Sometimes the lies the lies
she felt she couldn't stop them.
All she knew was that she wanted her life back again.
I sit sometimes and think about the person that once was me
and I weep
Separate rooms helped her dream
but it couldn't help her sleep
only the closet could
only the rocking would
so she would go there during the day
while he was at work she would sit in the middle
and pray.
Praying that God
would make it all go away.
Whispers from God, he would quietly say
"it'll all get better"
So she'd continued
to sit in the middle
while being rocked by God 
she would cry & they would pray
for happiness again
to hit the reset button & try it all over again
The questions of the inevitable would haunt her
How would this all play out?
would it be like a movie?
Or maybe a drama full of loud arguments, screams & shouts
Probably more like horror movie she thought
with crazy dark violent scenes
It really didn't matter
cuz to her death was the means
to and end.
To her death is where her life had to begin.
No more making her life hell
just so he could have 
his heaven
CPR started that fateful night
til 2am they would yell, fuss & fight
Breath deep sweet child... he'll sign the papers
just trust me and know
it's a long road ahead but at least the journeys now your own
Thoughts of the old me make me weep...
not only because of the drama and struggle
but more because of the success 
Success out of love of self
I think about her in the most loving way
Protecting her heart 
so that she would never see those days
ever again.
Caring deeply for her like a precious child
telling her story or should I say telling mine 
freedom for this soul
freedom for your soul
freedom for our souls 
experiencing similar pain will eventually breed healing
just listen to your inner preciousness
Your life is the biggest gift from God
forever and consistently revealing.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

You.


The night is soft & breezy.
All of a sudden
I forgot all about how things
sucked earlier.
Right now
all I think about is the breeze, that flows through my window.
The wind,
whispering for me
to do better.
Even if it seems the others
ain't thinkin of or givin
a fuck about me.
I just keep whispering...
"you just gotta do better".
Even though
you know
the truth.
Even when
I question
the goodness
of others.
Others that once cared
cared about you
cared about your feelings
cared about your life.
How, did all of a sudden
things begin to suck.
When, did all of a sudden
others stop givin a fuck.
Cuz I  brought awareness to their "coulda" "shoulda" "woulda" beens?
Or maybe
just maybe
the truth of it all
simply brought back too much pain
so I then explain...
"hey love don't be a slave...Be a MASTER!"
Master the art
of your heart.
Understand, God's light
shines in your eyes
not just mine.
See, I was just like you
I'm still like you
Shit I am you.
Just cuz my light shines
doesn't mean yours dim
Praying for you to see the pages in  this here hymn
The words written by God before you were a "him"
The courage to live in joy
Feels like jumping off a building into heaven.
Clouds of promise to catch you
soft and waiting since you were a boy.
Sure we don't know what heavens like...
but its got to be good.
Take a minute
a brief moment
... sip on wine of greatness.
Greatness that will always
and forever
be
You.

Love & Blessings,
-Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Maybe...

When you know your a queen
It's not about objects or things...
or places you may have gone.

Its about a feeling.
When you know you deserve
the best,
No matter how phenomenal you
may treat me
all in all
it can very well be your "inaction"
that makes me question
...kinda makes me wonder

is it worth it all
is it worth the risk
does the feeling I feel
when I'm with you
able to out weigh
the feeling that I feel
when your away

Maybe it's insecurities
Maybe it's past catastrophic relationships

Maybe when it's all said & done
The questions will all be answered
the "maybes" will go away
and God will shine
a light on the truth
and all this worry would have been
for nothing.
Maybe...

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

No Apologies

Yes...I come from a two parent household.
Yes....my mom & dad both went to college & earned degrees.
Yes...growing up we ate dinner at the dinner table, together.
Yes...my mom would cook, my brother and I would set the table, and my dad would smoke his pipe and pay bills or read the paper or time magazine as we got things together.
Yes...we respected and honored our parents and grandparents
...because thats what we were taught.
Yes...we went to a good school with children of different races.
Yes...we spoke proper english.
Yes...we went to church on Sundays.
And yes, we went back to my grandparents after church for Sunday dinner, with my Aunts, Uncles and cousins.
Yes...my father was the "head of the household".
Yes...my mother supported her man.
Yes...life wasn't perfect but it wasn't complicated either.
Yes...my mother was a teacher, a mother, a beauty and my families heart & soul.
Yes... as I got older these feelings of everyone living the way we lived dimnished.
But I make no apologies
Yes...we watched the Huxtables but we did not think we were the Huxtables.
We're The Léon's
And I make no apologies.
Yes...we met families and people that had different, very different upbringings
So Yes...we understood how blessed we were, my parents made sure they told us that frequently.
But still, I make no apologies.
Yes...my family was a good family and I'm proud of it.
Yes...we grew up with other african american families who were also well employed, mostly married, and raising their children in the same fashion.
Yes...my family loves everyone and doesn't discriminate... so why do you?
Today I stand proud to be a Léon... decendent of a great Haitian family
Today I stand proud to be a Barnes... decendent of a great Black American family
I make no apologies for the great family I was blessed to be born in, we may not have been perfect, in fact far from it but we loved without boundaries.
Yes love is boundless....
So for that fact alone... I make no apologies.

Love & Blessings,

Buttaflibabee



I wrote the poem above after an overwhelming feeling of pride for my family. Over the course of several years I have dated (and even married) men who for whatever reason made me silly for being so close to mine. One individual specifically went as far as making me feel guilty, as though I were to apologize for having such a awesome upbringing. I'm not quite sure why he did that...was I to be ashamed for being born into love?  Those feelings are the reasons why I thank God and every single spirit, angel, and force that ushered me into such an amazing unit. I admit, my family is far from perfect, but then again whose family is? So enjoy life and love everyone around you a little bit more because when it comes down to it we are all family!
- Buttaflibabee

Friday, August 3, 2012

He is...

I've known him for 16 years... he is for every sense of the word my "Soul Mate", my Reginald.  He is the one that has known me before I was Buttaflibabee, he knew me when I was in the depth of my cocoon when I was that "unreformed fatgirl"... not so pretty... not so confident... I was just soul, yet he still loved me.  I was a caterpillar and he was Reggie.  He is the one that would move mountains and earth itself simply to do what is right & good for me, he protected me without even trying.  

I can remember back in my college days the time had come to head back to school and for whatever reason this time around I had no partner to help me drive back... YIKES!  I was terrified, faced with an 8 hour trip all alone.  Of course my parents and grandparents were all worried because this was the first time I had to go it alone.  Later that night Reginald and I talked about the issue, he listened to how nervous I was, he felt every fear, he could tell this was something I was completely not looking forward to.  A few days later this would all change,  Reginald called to tell me he was taking a bus to Chicago, aware that once he pulled into the city he would be pulling right back out the next day, on top of that he would be helping me drive 8 hours back to Mississippi.  He is that guy that simply does things like that for me... lil ole Keshia from Westmont IL.  To him I am someone special just because I am.  He is that man I could talk to for hours and hours on end about any and everything,  clearly in sync with each other’s thoughts and emotions, able to read each other’s minds... he is my best-friend.  

Right now Reginald is in Saudi Arabia teaching, and even though we are on two totally different sides of the world for some reason we’ve gotten back to reading each other’s mind and appreciating our relationship.  When I wake up he’s in the middle of his day… when I’m at work he’s relaxing preparing for bed… when I’m going to bed he’s waking up.  He is my guy without question because we've been through years together, sixteen… did I mention that?  Isn’t that amazing?  He's been alongside, with me throughout my relationship heartaches because he is my confidant and my comforter.  We've shared similar relationship experiences and we have been each others shoulder to cry on. We listen to each other without judgment, but still questioning each other’s motives in a loving way... pushing each other along this road, hoping we would learn from every experience.  We've seen the best in each other and I know having him in my life is necessary, because life without him is just unfathomable.  This friendship- this love- is indeed undeniable... invincible... and eternally infinite.  He is my Kwame.  

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee