Sunday, February 13, 2011

Walls.

It's funny how when we're born we have no preconceived notions about anything, our guard down without knowing and we love completely & without restraint.  As we mature that carefree attitude is considerably different, life molds us in a way that is far different than our childlike selves.  We have no doubt experienced situations that would make us look at people, relationships & issues differently, at this point in adulthood we have walls that have been constructed due to experiences, our own pain as well as our successes which result in in undoubted happiness. Initial introductions of a new job, a new person, and a new relationship constructs these wall of protection instinctually but the depth and height of each wall can vary depending on each particular situation.  Eventually the question arises if you want to tear down these protective walls, do you desire the full experience of life?  If this internal wall... this barrier does not come down we will experience life restricted...suffocated and absent of real joy. Life will feel like an isolation chamber, you'll be able to look up, you may even feel the comfort of the familiar space, but the enormous world that's out there will not be discovered.  The reason why I am writing about the walls that we tend to construct in our lives is because those feelings of restriction is how I've felt for over 30 years.  Even though I appear to be a very outgoing and comfortable I would relax confines of the small space located in my soul... the isolation chamber in my mind.  Slowly I have torn down these walls one by one, but still I find myself quickly constructing new ones, no more than 2 weeks ago did I come to the realization that a friend of mine had no idea who I was, never able to really experience Keshia.  I had such shameful   feelings as I reflected on our relationship, saddened by the way I treated him, our friendship, and ultimately my soul. I emailed him a quick apology simply stating that I felt bad for treating him so mean, I know that didn't really explain much but at least I felt better knowing that I could now forgive myself for such a huge mistake. I could go into details about every single wall I've constructed and explain myself to every single individual how sorry I was that I constructed a wall between them and the real me.  I could go into detail with every employer, teacher, relative, and friend about how this "person" they came across from time to time was simply behind glass like a prisoner, the glass was simply protecting my soul.  Right now I am seeing the fullness of life, breathing in the fresh air that surrounds me and appreciating what a beautiful world I live in.  I once lived in a life that had air... stale air, it had life, it even had successes and failures but the comfort that I felt in that small room and the fear I had outside of those walls were able to overcome my opportunities.  The walls suffocated life's promises, and stifled whatever growth tried to emerge from within.  Walls are good God created them for a reason, but for some reason I feel they're best for buildings not human beings. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Feelings...

I've learned that
if I still want him... 
that's ok.
I've learned that
thinking about him...
is ok.
I've learned that
it is not a sin.
That wanting him
doesn't make me weak...
or a fool..
or less than.
You see wanting him
simply makes me...
human.
I feel bad 
when I think of how much
 I hurt him
i feel bad 
that he didn't have a chance to see 
the true me
that he didn't have a chance to know 
the real me
I've learned that
even though the truth was not yet fully revealed...
to him
The truth was revealed... 
to me.
And because of that...
I don't feel so bad.


Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Natural Sin.

This past weekend as I was hanging out with some friends & I thought about our own natural sin, the type of weakness that as an individual we naturally have due to the conditions and the environment we grew up in. I can identify & relate to this point completely because I have asked God why I was born fat I even wrote about it in a previous blog. After writing that post my Godmother called me saying: "Keshia you weren't born fat were simply born with a love of food... okay and let's just say it (she continued) you grew up in a food lovin environment". I think about how my family socializes and relates to food and each other and came to the conclusion I was born into a "fat/food" addicted family. My family literally lives to indulge in the pleasure of eating... they love revealing what goodies everyone brought, we talk about how we made each specific dish with extra special love & attention and of course with that lil summthin summthin. So when you finally go in for that piece, or that serving, or that second helping, it's like a high... you've reached some euphoric climax. After my family feasts we would talk about how good it was and how we can't wait to have just one more serving, peice or bite. This past weekend I realized I was born into a food family, now I don't blame my family because I was indeed well loved but the focus that we had was food so obviously I was going to be fat, this was the natural course of my dysfunction... this was my natural sin. To accept that I was going to be fat... period, was something that was difficult to digest but more importantly what I have done is accept my addiction, and the acceptance of this food addiction is exactly what's kept me down 100lbs. The fact that I am a different person... some may say this process as "getting saved"... some may call it "coming into your awareness"... some may call it "the secret"... some may even say it's finding my chi... or element... or whatever we want to call it. I know that I am at a point we're my dysfunction's no longer go there natural course anymore... I still fall of the wagon with ridiculous behavior, but over all I can control what used to be uncontrollable I can work at a "office job" and like it because I know it is tapping into my natural gifts & talents. I know now I can be fearless when wanting something, I can go after it with passion and determination and without doubt even if I fail I have the ability to say "that's ok I just learned and practiced something that I will eventually master!". This weekend is when I got out of my awful funk because this weekend I realized that my natural sin was all apart of an amazing process... process of life... process to purpose. Love & Blessing - Buttaflibabee