Day 5 - Seeing Life from God's View
Point to Ponder: Life is a test and a trust
Verse to Remember: "Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won't be faithful in large ones." Luke 16:10A
Question to Consider: What has happened to me recently that I now realize was test from God? What are the greatest matters God has entrusted to me?
This question has really brought me to my knees in terms of the meaning and how miraculously God has worked in my life today, understanding my test is really like magic.
I have recently felt a sense of overwhelming guilt, for a number of reasons but most prominently due to an encounter I had with a gentleman I met in the club on Sunday. I went there to meet up with a few friends and when rushing in forgot my credit cards in the car, I had enough cash to get in the club but in terms of me buying a drink I wasn't going to be living it up like I had hoped. Despite me not having money this nice man saw me and had a drink delivered to me while i was dancing, I couldn't see him but the waiter delivered the drink and told me it was from the tall gentleman. At this point the nice man walked up to me and immediately I knew I was not interested in him, even though I had now excepted his drink I knew there were no sparks flying. Throughout the evening the man gave me attention which was nice, but he slowly became kinda clingy and a little annoying, I wanted to simply shake him off but didn't want to be rude... plus he had just bought me this drink. Well during this past week he's been wanting to take me out to dinner and chatting it up with me, I've been somewhat responsive but not really and kind of getting really annoyed with the communication. I vented today about the situation and a few of the men in my group asked me why did I take the drink, why didn't I turn it down, and asked if I had an issue with rejecting people. I told them frankly - yes, I do have an issue with rejecting people because I too have been rejected. After I sat and thought about the situation I realize, rejecting him wouldn't have been mean it would have been kind... to tell him thank you but no thank you is really the kindest way of saying "I appreciate the gesture but I'm really not interested in getting to know you". In that sense there would not have been any hidden agendas (getting a free drink) and I would not have felt bad a week later for leading him on.
I was tested in this scenario to see what I would do when roles are reversed. I too have been used abused, taken advantage of and as I look back on this scenario I ask myself... am I an better than the guy that just wanted to have sex with me and never call me again? In past situations I was being mistreated by hidden agendas, for them it was sex versus a drink, but in order to get the sex the guy needed to spend time with me talk to me, show me a good time and of course... pretend as if he was interested. Once the deed was done, all he needed to do is pretend he was slightly interested some more, fade away slowly each day and then never return my phone calls or text messages. Now my rejection with the gentleman in the club may not have been as severe but nevertheless I was using someone to get what I wanted, selfishness at it's finest. If I look back at my own marriage I see the pattern of agenda based abusive thinking. I married my ex-husband just to get a ring, have a wedding, buy a house, and have what looked like a perfect life. The truth of the situation is that I never really loved my ex-husband romantically, I only liked him and tolerated him for what I wanted at that time, years of delayed rejection. So am I really any better than the man that wanted to hit it and quit it? God entrusted me with a beautiful spirit that obviously attracts the opposite sex, but me wasting it on those that are agenda based and lacking integrity is like placing a diamond amongst the trash. Every time I use someone else as bait to get something I'm misusing my power and spirit by hurting someone else... which is the last thing I would ever want to do.
This chapter has shown me that allowing someone else to abuse me and mistreat me is the highest form of disrespect to God, as I go through this chapter I know it has become a pattern on both sides. Growing up obese the feeling of having romantic love is rare... in fact, many times I would feel "well hell I better do all I can to keep this person... can you imagine, he actually likes me?" What needs to be instilled in me today and at this stage in my life is one of; "well of course he likes me who wouldn't like me, and if he likes now he'll really like me later!" Saying that is funny but true, I'm a different person now but as I sit here I still feel like I'm obese, still battling with residual thoughts of low self-esteem. For those that I am authentically not interested in finding the courage inside to say no, even if difficult could save them the agony of delayed rejection. If I were only to place myself in his shoes and think about those in my past that led me on, taken advantage of me, and mistreated me quite possibly the past tears would not be welling up, trickling, and spilling out all over again. As the book states "God constantly watches your response to people problems, success, conflict, illness, disappointment, and even the weather." This week was a test, I failed... again, but it is only a matter of time before I pass with flying colors.
Love and Blessings,
**these are personal notes, so please excuse any grammatical errors**