Day 5 - Seeing Life from God's View--

Day 5 - Seeing Life from God's View

Point to Ponder: Life is a test and a trust

Verse to Remember: "Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won't be faithful in large ones." Luke 16:10A

Question to Consider: What has happened to me recently that I now realize was test from God? What are the greatest matters God has entrusted to me?

This question has really brought me to my knees in terms of the meaning and how miraculously God has worked in my life today, understanding my test is really like magic.

     I have recently felt a sense of overwhelming guilt, for a number of reasons but most prominently due to an encounter I had with a gentleman I met in the club on Sunday.  I went there to meet up with a few friends and when rushing in forgot my credit cards in the car, I had enough cash to get in the club but in terms of me buying a drink I wasn't going to be living it up like I had hoped.  Despite me not having money this nice man saw me and had a drink delivered to me while i was dancing, I couldn't see him but the waiter delivered the drink and told me it was from the tall gentleman.  At this point the nice man walked up to me and immediately I knew I was not interested in him, even though I had now excepted his drink I knew there were no sparks flying.  Throughout the evening the man gave me attention which was nice, but he slowly became kinda clingy and a little annoying, I wanted to simply shake him off but didn't want to be rude... plus he had just bought me this drink.  Well during this past week he's been wanting to take me out to dinner and chatting it up with me, I've been somewhat responsive but not really and kind of getting really annoyed with the communication.  I vented today about the situation and a few of the men in my group asked me why did I take the drink, why didn't I turn it down, and asked if I had an issue with rejecting people.  I told them frankly - yes, I  do have an issue with rejecting people because I too have been rejected.  After I sat and thought about the situation I realize, rejecting him wouldn't have been mean it would have been kind... to tell him thank you but no thank you is really the kindest way of saying "I appreciate the gesture but I'm really not interested in getting to know you".  In that sense there would not have been any hidden agendas (getting a free drink) and I would not have felt bad a week later for leading him on.

I was tested in this scenario to see what I would do when roles are reversed.  I too have been used abused, taken advantage of and as I look back on this scenario I ask myself... am I an better than the guy that just wanted to have sex with me and never call me again?  In past situations I was being mistreated by hidden agendas, for them it was sex versus a drink, but in order to get the sex the guy needed to spend time with me talk to me, show me a good time and of course... pretend as if he was interested.  Once the deed was done, all he needed to do is pretend he was slightly interested some more, fade away slowly each day and then never return my phone calls or text messages.  Now my rejection with the gentleman in the club may not have been as severe but nevertheless I was using someone to get what I wanted, selfishness at it's finest.  If I look back at my own marriage I see the pattern of agenda based abusive thinking.  I married my ex-husband just to get a ring, have a wedding, buy a house, and have what looked like a perfect life.   The truth of the situation is that I never really loved my ex-husband romantically, I only liked him and tolerated him for what I wanted at that time, years of delayed rejection. So am I really any better than the man that wanted to hit it and quit it?  God entrusted me with a beautiful spirit that obviously attracts the opposite sex, but me wasting it on those that are agenda based and lacking integrity is like placing a diamond amongst the trash.  Every time I use someone else as bait to get something I'm misusing my power and spirit by hurting someone else... which is the last thing I would ever want to do.

This chapter has shown me that allowing someone else to abuse me and mistreat me is the highest form of disrespect to God, as I go through this chapter I know it has become a pattern on both sides.  Growing up obese the feeling of having romantic love is rare... in fact, many times I would feel "well hell I better do all I can to keep this person... can you imagine, he actually likes me?"  What needs to be instilled in me today and at this stage in my life is one of; "well of course he likes me who wouldn't like me, and if he likes now he'll really like me later!"  Saying that is funny but true, I'm a different person now but as I sit here I still feel like I'm obese, still battling with residual thoughts of low self-esteem.   For those that I am authentically not interested in finding the courage inside to say no, even if difficult could save them the agony of delayed rejection.  If I were only to place myself in his shoes and think about those in my past that led me on, taken advantage of me, and mistreated me quite possibly the past tears would not be welling up, trickling, and spilling out all over again.  As the book states "God constantly watches your response to people problems, success, conflict, illness, disappointment, and even the weather."  This week was a test, I failed... again, but it is only a matter of time before I pass with flying colors.

Love and Blessings,

Buttaflibabee

**these are personal notes, so please excuse any grammatical errors**

Day 4- Thinking about My Purpose

Day 4- Thinking about My Purpose

Question to consider: Since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?

The one thing I should stop doing is holding back due to fear. I fear sometimes too much what others think what my family thinks and what my image will be. I'm getting MUCH better but I still have a long way to go.

The thing I need to do more is completely release... this page helps me alot with speaking my mind and my opinion. I have a refreshed relationship with my parents that I'm so grateful of just because I can be completely myself. Both run into each other but me unveiling and being me is the best dose if goodness I can experience everyday.

Love & Blessings
Buttaflibabee

Day 3 - Thinking About My Purpose

Day 3 - Thinking about my Purpose

Point to Ponder: Living on purpose is the path to peace.

Verse to remember: “You, Lord, give me perfect peae to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you” – Isaiah 26:3

Question to Consider: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?

If I were to ask my friends and family members what my driving force was I think they would say notoriety and fame.  What my family doesn't realize is they are my driving force, not to sound to cliche but I don't have any children to care for so I know I will be the primary child responsible for their well-being as they get older.  In order to do that finding my purpose is not an option it's a necessity at this point. I truly believe that God will keep love from me until I finish this book, and know clearly what my purpose is.  Not only that I think that God will keep romantic love away from me until I am making clear action steps towards that goal... now I could be wrong but I strongly feel this is what has to be in order for God purpose to be filled in this world.

This chapter had me reflect a lot on fear, which is a primary issue that I've learned to over come but still struggle with it and the approval of others.  I reflected on how far I've come in stepping out and having more confidence, know though that there is even more leaps of faith to make.  This chapter was a longer chapter so maybe it's taking longer for me to digest, but for now this is good. :)

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee

Day 2 - Thinking about my Purpose

Day 2 – Thinking about my Purpose

Point to ponder: I am not an accident.

Standout statements from the Book:

"God didn't need to create you. He wasn't lonely.  But he wanted to make you in order to express his love."

"He custom-made your body just the way he wanted it.  He also determined the natural talents you would possess and the uniqueness of your personality."

"God made you for a reason, he also decided when you would be born and how long you would live.  He planned the days of your life in advance, choosing the exact time of your birth and death."

Verse to Remember: "I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born” Isaiah 44:2

Question to consider: I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

My struggle is pretty out front and in the open, it’s the reason why I write, and the primary reason why I live to help others through this outlet... my blog. My struggle has always been feelings of loneliness, private thoughts of being shunned due to my weight, and not having feeling love from partner. This chapter has really opened my eyes to the fact that God knew to birth me in the home that I was born into.   My grandmother was an amazing cook, she often times loved on her grandchildren through the food she would prepare.  My grandfather used to always say… “Baby you can lose weight…but ya cain’t lose ugly”; he was the only man that would tell me I was beautiful and not attach that with the quintessential phrase “for a big girl” or “you have such a pretty face” as if my body was a mutant disfigurement. Growing up in this environment taught me to be kinda and that love had no color nor size.  I joke around with my friends by saying if I hadn't been over 300 lbs I probably would've been a stripper, or I may have had children too soon, or I could've been a video vixen and strung out on drugs.  There was a distinct reason for me being heavy, and that reason is showing up in every breath I take today, my feelings of insecurities was the primary reason why I attracted to my ex-husband and led to him.  He loved me to know end without even thinking about my weight or my body, basically was I was hooked, I didn’t care if he was emotionally and mentally disturbed... all that mattered was that he LOVED me more than I thought anyone ever could. This is also the reason leaving the marriage sent me into a state of depression, here I was spitting at God and what I thought was my blessing, even though deep down inside I knew I married him for selfish reasons.  I didn’t marry him because God put him into my life and ordained our connection I married him because I didn’t want to be alone and feeling lonely.

This chapter also gave me more insight on my gifts, I have always been an extremely gifted woman, and I’ve always had a sense of color, drawing, art and music… I danced until I was 14 as heavy as I was can you believe I was in ballet and toe, jazz and tap. I had a keen sense of music and could sing like a classic operatic alto… my voice was so rich that I received scholarships and awards, but due to my weight I didn’t allow my light to shine. This chapter is sending me though quite a revelation in terms of where I am now… what do I do now, I have so many gifts what do I do with them all? I can honestly say I feel my options opening more and more, the one thing I know for sure as I sit here and type these words is that I am Gods good blessing to the world, if someone can’t handle my light than that’s their lose… not mine. Happiness has been within my soul since I was born and for me this journey is one that I will cherish forever. The question is clear the answer is moving and substantial, the results will be earth shifting.

Love & Blessings,

- Buttaflibabee

Equilibrium

the push and pull the high the low

the way things go... when you know and understand
what's going

on

I feel it inside and I know how my highs will fall

I know this all because I know

me and I understand

what's going

on

I sometimes wish I could stop the train from moving

wish I had some conductors instructions

wish God told me how to drive

not just ride

how to maneuver through this thing

this life... so I understand everything

that's going

on

I feel the equilibrium in my body mildly go awry

I've learned somethings require more of me

somethings require the ignoring of me

somethings need my comfort

somethings i need to dump quick

but it's all about balance

it's all within the hydraulics

of life...

do I pump myself up... or do I lower myself under the radar

right now I'm not quite sure

but then again.... I don't have to be

don't have to guess

I trust my destiny

I live stress less

my world is now turned over to the one that mapped out my route

the one that trained me on that fast moving train

before i came... before I made it here

thats how i know i'll be fine... because deep down inside I know

what's going

on

the one that makes me feel no doubt

even though nervousness sets in

I know I'm ready to be at the helm

I was whispered that in my dreams that are sent from heaven

it's been that way since I've been

here.

my training

my life

the push and pull of things

the up and down of things

the fast and slow of most

life as it is

the equilibrium inside my soul...

Love & Blessings,

Buttaflibabee

Love really...

Love really isn’t hard or complicated, it’s the naked truth, the realness, the honesty of everything thats difficult to face.  Love is that vision that is at times difficult to look at squarely in the mirror, that honesty thats straight, clear, and truthful.  When you think about it love is about trust…trusting God, trusting yourself, and then…trusting the other person.  Love doesn’t yield itself to your whim love is bold and direct there’s no gray area…it’s just love.  Many times our ego wants to make love into what it clearly is not.  At times we want to make it painful or say it hurts when deep down where God resides - our souls tell us “how absurd”.  We want to maintain a good face and pretend we see love where we don’t and then the truth happens as it always does, we then get upset with love when love never put us there in the first place … when really we know our mind was the one responsible, our ego put us in jeopardy.  I say this all to place a twinkle of thought in your mind, I wake up today with this lovely message in my heart- for we are not to try and contort love because love is the purest, simplest gifts on earth…a gift we were all given at birth and if cherished, a gift that will never leave our side.

Love & Blessings,

Buttaflibabee

Sugar Crush.

     Appreciating what you have is quite a task but even more so learning to appreciate the best even if you haven't discovered it yet requires a whole other level of discipline.  I was on my way home from work a few days ago really craving, I mean full on itching for some chocolate, the feeling was so intense that when I went to Walgreen's I found a bag of sugarfree chocolate peanuts.  I was instantly taken back to childhood.  If anyone has known me long enough they’ve heard the infamous story my mother likes to tell of how I became an official chocoholic.  I was 2 years old and my grandmotherand mother were shopping in Sears, now back then Sears had a concession stand that sold chocolates, popcorn and other little snack items that you could purchase as you would do you’re shopping.  My mom bought 2 pounds of chocolate covered peanuts for the 3 of us and left the bag with my grandmother and me as she went shopping elsewhere to find whatever it was that she needed;upon her return she found almost the entire 2lb bag of chocolate covered peanuts gone!  My mother was shocked, astonished and to be honest a tad bit upset with my grandmother, she couldn’t believe that my grandmother had just let me eat 2lbs of chocolate  When she was asked my grandmother why she would let a 2 year old eat a 2lb bag of chocolate the only thing my grandmother could say is "well she wanted it...”  My mother will always say once finishing that story; “Keshia, I knew right then and there you were a certified chocoholic”.

     So anyway back to the story at hand, I’m in Walgreen's and I see this bag of sugar-free chocolate covered peanuts, and I'm thinking "well they’re sugar free, hmmm I won't be breaking the rules of no sugar right...heck they can't be that bad???” So of course I buy them, I don’t even wait to get home before I bust open those bad boys right in the car and begin eating them. I get the first few nuggets of pseudo chocolaty-ness down and then all of a sudden I stop and realized...yea ummm they're not the real thing.  It dawned on me while I continued to eat the "not so hot" chocolate covered peanuts that I didn’t want the substitute of the chocolate covered peanuts I wanted the real thing.  My taste-buds distinctively wanted was the creamy chocolate and yummy authentic taste of real sugar not this half-ass substitute.  Needless to say an epiphany was on the horizon, making its way to the forefront of my thoughts in the most pure and innocent way.  What was unveiling itself before my eyes was this; I didn’t want the substitute for anything, the way I look at it is I should want the real thing - ALWAYS.  I am learning to preserve myself for the real things in life, which is saving my heart from being involved in a lot of harmful substituting typa shit.  For example, for a little over a month I've decided to refrain from having sex, not because I'm a holier than thou or that I have some feelings that the only way I will have true love is by doing dramatic act of solidarity, it's more of a matter of this... if I'm kinda sorta interested in someone and upon further discovery realize this dude is not potentially a life partner why would I bother giving him what is sacred and divine to me?  Just like those sugar free chocolate covered peanuts why would I waste my time eating them when it’s not the real thing, and not really what I want?  Of course this logic is not just applicable to sex and sweets, it can be applied to all facets of life. I am working on a few major dynamics in my life right now that are rooted deep in the recesses of my childhood.  Unlike other times this time I'm not placing blame on anyone but more or less assuring that those challenges that pop up from my past are identified, taken for what they are worth so that they may work for me today.  To sum it up very simply I’m finally seeing myself as the whole complete and God-like woman I’ve been placed on this earth to be… my purpose is clear, and therefore times of clutter are a thing of the past.

     At this time in my life I am blessed to not only hear but feel the antagonistic me(or should I say the shell of my former existence) and yes she was and still is very shallow, immature and filled with a lack of self-worth... thereby gravitating to a mediocre lifestyle because hell... that’s what she's always felt she deserved.  See that part of me is still here, telling me to go ahead and get that sugar free candy because it’ll help hold me over and settle the urge for sweets.  She continues to doubt my God-like womanhood by telling me to go out on that date, heck don't you want to get married again, who cares if you don't have a connection with that guy, who cares if he doesn't have any depth or wanting a real relationship? All the during this mental tug of war I know my time can be filled with more soul satisfying things like writing to you in this blog, crafting my book, working with my babes through their own struggles helping them find their own light.  The shell of myself is the one with a vision that will only get me to the end of the corner the true me has a vision thats sets me traveling across the world.  We all have this small time chatterbox shell of self who doubts the real us- the us that is the center of who we are or who we’ve always wanted to be.  The shell of self is that someone whispers to us "the end is near" and "the best days have already past you by" it's that crazy voice creeping into our psyche telling us not bother losing weight that sneaky sneak that airs their opinion into our mind and tells us to give up that business idea because it would never work.  See settling doesn't feel good it's not how we've been programed yet because we want to just satisfy that hunger quick we make decisions quick.  So from now on think about the choices you make and ask yourself is this just wetting my palette for right now or am I seeking a long lasting forever quench to my thirst? I'm sure every time you ask yourself that question it will always be the same...longlasting always beats a quick fix.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee