Sunday, January 22, 2012

Varying Shades of Blue

     Today is the day that will indeed change the course of my life forever.  I have found myself once again in quite a predicament.  I don't think the situation I'm dealing with was intentional nor do i feel it was brought on by ignorance or irresponsibility.  More so, this situation was brought on by the exact opposite, me loving myself immensely.  As a reflect I think... maybe I didn't display that love soon enough, or maybe my love for self was not defined or clear enough. I know for myself I occasionally get in the mind frame of "whoa is me... when will it be my time" this is exactly where I was yesterday.  This sort of mental web/trap, but on this day I have been awoken to the reality that the "my time" of life is paid for and sponsored by those whoa is me moments... and maybe those very moments teamed up with my self-love can help the two be the best of buds.  In fact I blogged about a similar situation in a previous post entitled "Mess=Message",  that message was about overcoming addiction and embracing my formerly overly fat frame.  My realization today is not about coming out on the other side of weight or my personal struggle with self esteem (or maybe it is?), this time I've come out on the other side of a relationship.  More specifically, this time I've come through a period in a relationship... out of a phase of sorts.  You see I don't believe all relationships die, I believe you can have layers within and throughout, but in regards to this particular relationship what the two of us had known it to be, had to end.  I feel stronger & more defined, I feel clearer about my purpose in life but more importantly I feel more secure in my decisions.  I'm sure most of my readers are asking well why did you end the relationship?  I have to tell you I did not end it because I didn't love this person, and not because I wasn't 100% on board with him, but simply because he was already involved in a relationship.  Yep, I said it.

     At this point I want all of my readers to pick their jaws up off of he floor... yes he was in a relationship.  Now most of you maybe shocked thinking "not my Buttaflibabee, surely she didn't mess with a married man?" yes I did.  This happens every single day we walk this earth, women & men selling themselves short just to say they are in a relationship or maybe loving the person more than they love themselves... I'm not quite sure.   In my situation I could (and do) have an explanation for it all... I could easily explain how & why I involved myself in such ridiculousness, but would that really matter?  The fact is it happened.  I'm not proud of what I've done because hell I'm a champion for women! I will say this, I am proud of the level of openness I was able to explore within my soul.  One thing i can say for sure is that I will not only be stronger due to this error in judgement, I truly believe I will thrive due to simply doing the right thing for all who where involved.  I can honestly say this was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do for two reasons: 1. The relationship ending because to be quite truthful I love/loved him & 2. The broken promise to myself... the promise that I would never do this to myself again, the promise that I would protect myself at all cost. I know I stayed longer due to pride and the feeling we all feel when we've invested time & effort. I had my eye fixed on the future and the possibility that one day things would be different versus being focused on now and the promise that today is already blessed.

     The release is increasingly becoming more comforting, more empowering, and less painful.  I know the sun will rise again... I think for right now I'm kinda glad it's setting though.  Time to sleep, gain rest be good to myself again, and allow my soul to heal.  Whenever your heart is broken it will heal stronger... it will be ready to take in more love, give more love, and love more vigorously than ever before!

Love & Blessings.
Buttaflibabee

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