Closet Rock

I think about my former self

the thought of her makes me weep.

The sadness of her tortured soul

compels me to immediately

go to her defense.

She wanted to die back then

During that time she shocked herself
because she knew there was more.
Saving someone else 
wasn't enough anymore
The food that once comforted her
was now tasteless
but that was all she knew
She searched for any familiar anything
to get her mind off of this
life
her life
So she swallowed and chewed
up her emotions.
Digesting the disgust for the life
that was now hers.

The glamour of the event soon spoiled... 

the regal lies

that was served on silver trays had now tarnished

the food now rotten
the beautiful curtains now mildewed
If only she saw her own beauty...
maybe she could save herself
but instead she behaved herself.
Somewhere deep inside herself
the gorgeousness that was truth since birth still remained
but no one ever told her... but him
at least not out loud... not. one. single. "him".
So she just kept trying to save...him.
But how do you save someone who so desperately
wants to pull you in
and under
drowning you both as you try to swim
Her comfort came from that place she was told to go
back then... when she was a child.
The closet, quiet, tight and closed in.
She'd rock herself to sleep
feelin the arms of God surrounding her
she'd rock herself to sleep.
Thinking of this major decision
promises she had to keep
to herself.
Cuz now the drowning had gotten way too deep.
So she kept rocking in the closet
rocking herself to sleep.
At times he would find her there
in the morning
She could feel the bars on her prison
closing
Question after question... of who, of why, how and when
Sometimes the lies the lies
just kept happenin
Sometimes the lies the lies
she felt she couldn't stop them.
All she knew was that she wanted her life back again.
I sit sometimes and think about the person that once was me
and I weep
Separate rooms helped her dream
but it couldn't help her sleep
only the closet could
only the rocking would
so she would go there during the day
while he was at work she would sit in the middle
and pray.
Praying that God
would make it all go away.
Whispers from God, he would quietly say
"it'll all get better"
So she'd continued
to sit in the middle
while being rocked by God 
she would cry & they would pray
for happiness again
to hit the reset button & try it all over again
The questions of the inevitable would haunt her
How would this all play out?
would it be like a movie?
Or maybe a drama full of loud arguments, screams & shouts
Probably more like horror movie she thought
with crazy dark violent scenes

It really didn't matter
cuz to her death was the means

to and end.

To her death is where her life had to begin.

No more making her life hell

just so he could have 

his heaven
CPR started that fateful night
til 2am they would yell, fuss & fight
Breath deep sweet child... he'll sign the papers
just trust me and know
it's a long road ahead but at least the journeys now your own
Thoughts of the old me make me weep...
not only because of the drama and struggle
but more because of the success 
Success out of love of self
I think about her in the most loving way
Protecting her heart 
so that she would never see those days
ever again.
Caring deeply for her like a precious child
telling her story or should I say telling mine 
freedom for this soul
freedom for your soul
freedom for our souls 
experiencing similar pain will eventually breed healing
just listen to your inner preciousness
Your life is the biggest gift from God
forever and consistently revealing.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee