Deep Sleep

I know that it’s real

don’t wanna think about it

don’t wanna dream about it

but all day the memories...

keep flashin.

That’s how I know

it just happened...again.

The embrace

The touch

The kiss can’t be imaginary

can't be fake.

The way he slides his hands up my thighs
and brushes his lips against mine. 
The way he held my hand.
There’s no way
this could be a setup, or a playdate
no effin way this is pretend.
No land of make believe or to the otherside. 
The otherside is here.
The otherside is right now
or at least it was last night.
When I fell asleep... yea I thought I was simply resting
my eyes.
I just eased into sleep
drifted away into restful slumber
Will it happen again???
No need to wonder... but it does.
This mutha-effin mental matinee
No dress rehearsal for this shit...
this intimate movie/play
behind my eyes.
My dreams directed by a power much higher than mine
Tomorrow I. Will. Try.
Try and rush the thoughts away.
Maybe I can cloud the visions with nothingness.
A storm cloud with lots and lots of rain
or a tornado perhaps
Crazy whirlwind of a drunken nights kiss…
Or possibly a fluffed up promise
of being loved
...taken care of
or swept away...does that shit still exist?
Don’t know why I try to pretend
Don’t know why I won’t simply give in
To the unconscious evening of passion
the private moments when the sun sets
alert thinking starts a'passin
away.
And night begins
Hours of lasting kisses heavy breathing and me saying
no
then yes
Feelings of fear that lurk
You see I’m stronger now,
No falling victim anymore
I’m bolder now…
Done with bad decisions
...like before.
Even though the earth moves beneath me
I make myself brush it off
...the desire at least
for a part-time
no time
half time
half ass
relation-shits!
No time for-giving-in 
to the unrealistic bullshit
typa thinking.
but every night heeeee's baaaack
while I'm mutha-fuggin sleepin
ya see he kinda creeps in.
Outta nowhere
so I...
can’t escape him
I...
Can’t replace him
I...
Can’t touch him
Until night falls
And God calls
saying he's bringing him back to me
but only when I’m deep
asleep...
in my dreams.

Love & Blessings,

Buttaflibabee