I Begin

 I Begin.

Today I’m back to basics, back to the first place I felt something different inside. I’m here writing to you, the reader, spilling out my heart and sharing my story. I open myself up to the connection with the community and yield myself vulnerable, even if no one reads this passage the vulnerability will satisfy my soul.  I’ve been inside my cocoon long enough thankful for the growth I have now emerged anew.  I am mature, and though my life has taken many turns I can honestly say that with these experiences, I intend to uplift another’s through my words and testimony.

Yesterday was my daddy’s birthday, the day before that was the anniversary of his passing. It was as if the portal to life was perfected and the gate was open just before the completion of his rotation around the sun. I’ve spent the last four years rediscovering myself and all roads have led me back to writing and sharing my story. But what is my story? Is it the story of overcoming the grief and complexity of losing a parent to suicide?  Is it the story of overcoming a loveless, lifeless, emotionally draining, occasionally abusive, and lonely relationship?  Is it the story of a solo parent overcoming the odds and making it by grind and grit?  Is it the story of a lost little girl who was told to look a certain way, sit a certain way, and make sure you go to church every Sunday? Or maybe the story of the little girl who was taught to deny all her dreams and passions due to their own limiting thoughts and beliefs...the girl who was told she was too fat to be all the things she wanted to be. Perhaps it's the story of how she overcame her addiction to food and lost over 100 lbs?  Farbeit be the story of a middle-aged me, overcoming it all and finally feeling a sense of healing only to fall back on my face after being scammed by an internet catfisher and how I survived?  All of those storylines have one baseline of truth and one common thread that connects them all...overcoming. 

So here is the challenge to myself, to write and find my voice again.  I’ll start where I began 13 years ago, on my blog connecting with those who feel the feelings and say “yea I get that, what I’m reading resonates with me too… I get what she’s talking about and I didn’t know how to say how I felt”.  When I first started writing I didn’t know what I was doing (high-key… I still don’t) but I know when I started writing that spark inside vibrated within me as well. I felt a sense of being on the right track, that somehow all of this helped the community. So my dear reader, let the journey begin.

Love & blessings,

Buttaflibabee