This blog thing really saved my life ya know? I know for those who may not know me, looking at me now you would never think I was once on the verge of destruction in the not so distant past. For those who happen to stumble upon my blog or maybe you know me but it's your first time reading "Confessions of a Reformed Fat Girl" you wouldn't look at me and assume that I'm a symbol of survival for my readers, that in some instances the I am the picture of hope. If you are new to the blog and new to me and what I represent, you probably couldn't imagine that at one point I thought nothing of myself, in fact I cared so little for myself that I sufferend from abuse, self abuse that was manifested in the form of food... initially. Which is why I say with the utmost conviction "this blog thing really saved my life". Before blogging I would eat through my emotions chewing up & swallowing everything I was feeling, internalizing every experience, disappointment and personal hell. I would allow all my emotions to compound -soothing them through food or drugs, sex & partying; my attempts to snuff out the feelings of inadequacies were real and I had been covering them up for far too long. Which is why I say this with all seriousness ...this blog thing really saved my life.
To give my new readers (and some long-time readers) a little back ground, blogging for me started out as a fluke. Hmph, actually it was more like a dare by a co-worker who had recently befriended me on Facebook, she had been noticing the my page's activity and commented one day saying "Keshia, people are always commenting on your status updates...you should write a blog!” I listened to her and took what she said to heart, for some divine reason I thought outside of that night and myself. I signed up and created “Confessions of a Reformed Fatgirl! I had no clue what I was doing; I didn't know how to blog or why I was blogging… hell I didn't think about if the blog would amount to anything significant, all I knew that night was that I had to do it. A new metamorphosis had taken place within my personal & professional life and isn't that what butterflies are all about? This evolution was requiring me to take a moment and review my life, analyze it and ask myself some major questions. What do I want to accomplish and how do I get there? Who do I want to effect? What is the core of my message, and how am I going to represent myself? The most amazing aspect of this metamorphosis has been my ability to adapt, I've opened my mind up to the fact that pain and/or challenges are natural occurrences- something that is required in order to grow. What is not a requirement is the trivial bullshit we give mental airtime to. The trivial B.S. must be dismissed and ignored all together, if not ignored that negative energy can become a hindrance and even block what is pure and great within us all.
What is that "thing" which brings you closer to the real you? You may not know right now but there's a popular saying that goes "seek and ye shall find... knock and the door shall open". I think back on the times when I was most miserable and it was when I was blocking my authentic self from surfacing. I would pretend to be weak, pretend to be ugly, pretend to be a a banker, or something that simply wasn't in my true character. On the relationship side I would pretend to not care, or sometimes even pretend to care too much when there was a hidden agenda. I can name off all of the the times I suffered from taking the "easy way out" not realizing it was my calm before the storm. I remember watching an interview with Cicely Tyson she was talking about how she loved and embraced storms, she spoke about how she reveled in the winds and harsh rains; so much so her mother thought she was crazy! She later opened up to the journalist about how the stormy weather, she felt, was a direct parallel to the storms in her life. Moments of sunshine, moments snow & hibernation, moments of terential down pours, lightening, and thunder... then of course moments if renewal and fresh starts. I listened and understood what the icon meant, essentially we must embrace our storms and feel our way through, around, and eventually out of our own personal downpours, all the while taking each moment as a step towards our individual purposes. So today as you go about your day, ask yourself this... if I was thrown overboard off of a ship in middle of a deep dark ocean, what would my lifesaver be?
Love & Blessings.