Sugar Crush.

     Appreciating what you have is quite a task but even more so learning to appreciate the best even if you haven't discovered it yet requires a whole other level of discipline.  I was on my way home from work a few days ago really craving, I mean full on itching for some chocolate, the feeling was so intense that when I went to Walgreen's I found a bag of sugarfree chocolate peanuts.  I was instantly taken back to childhood.  If anyone has known me long enough they’ve heard the infamous story my mother likes to tell of how I became an official chocoholic.  I was 2 years old and my grandmotherand mother were shopping in Sears, now back then Sears had a concession stand that sold chocolates, popcorn and other little snack items that you could purchase as you would do you’re shopping.  My mom bought 2 pounds of chocolate covered peanuts for the 3 of us and left the bag with my grandmother and me as she went shopping elsewhere to find whatever it was that she needed;upon her return she found almost the entire 2lb bag of chocolate covered peanuts gone!  My mother was shocked, astonished and to be honest a tad bit upset with my grandmother, she couldn’t believe that my grandmother had just let me eat 2lbs of chocolate  When she was asked my grandmother why she would let a 2 year old eat a 2lb bag of chocolate the only thing my grandmother could say is "well she wanted it...”  My mother will always say once finishing that story; “Keshia, I knew right then and there you were a certified chocoholic”.

     So anyway back to the story at hand, I’m in Walgreen's and I see this bag of sugar-free chocolate covered peanuts, and I'm thinking "well they’re sugar free, hmmm I won't be breaking the rules of no sugar right...heck they can't be that bad???” So of course I buy them, I don’t even wait to get home before I bust open those bad boys right in the car and begin eating them. I get the first few nuggets of pseudo chocolaty-ness down and then all of a sudden I stop and realized...yea ummm they're not the real thing.  It dawned on me while I continued to eat the "not so hot" chocolate covered peanuts that I didn’t want the substitute of the chocolate covered peanuts I wanted the real thing.  My taste-buds distinctively wanted was the creamy chocolate and yummy authentic taste of real sugar not this half-ass substitute.  Needless to say an epiphany was on the horizon, making its way to the forefront of my thoughts in the most pure and innocent way.  What was unveiling itself before my eyes was this; I didn’t want the substitute for anything, the way I look at it is I should want the real thing - ALWAYS.  I am learning to preserve myself for the real things in life, which is saving my heart from being involved in a lot of harmful substituting typa shit.  For example, for a little over a month I've decided to refrain from having sex, not because I'm a holier than thou or that I have some feelings that the only way I will have true love is by doing dramatic act of solidarity, it's more of a matter of this... if I'm kinda sorta interested in someone and upon further discovery realize this dude is not potentially a life partner why would I bother giving him what is sacred and divine to me?  Just like those sugar free chocolate covered peanuts why would I waste my time eating them when it’s not the real thing, and not really what I want?  Of course this logic is not just applicable to sex and sweets, it can be applied to all facets of life. I am working on a few major dynamics in my life right now that are rooted deep in the recesses of my childhood.  Unlike other times this time I'm not placing blame on anyone but more or less assuring that those challenges that pop up from my past are identified, taken for what they are worth so that they may work for me today.  To sum it up very simply I’m finally seeing myself as the whole complete and God-like woman I’ve been placed on this earth to be… my purpose is clear, and therefore times of clutter are a thing of the past.

     At this time in my life I am blessed to not only hear but feel the antagonistic me(or should I say the shell of my former existence) and yes she was and still is very shallow, immature and filled with a lack of self-worth... thereby gravitating to a mediocre lifestyle because hell... that’s what she's always felt she deserved.  See that part of me is still here, telling me to go ahead and get that sugar free candy because it’ll help hold me over and settle the urge for sweets.  She continues to doubt my God-like womanhood by telling me to go out on that date, heck don't you want to get married again, who cares if you don't have a connection with that guy, who cares if he doesn't have any depth or wanting a real relationship? All the during this mental tug of war I know my time can be filled with more soul satisfying things like writing to you in this blog, crafting my book, working with my babes through their own struggles helping them find their own light.  The shell of myself is the one with a vision that will only get me to the end of the corner the true me has a vision thats sets me traveling across the world.  We all have this small time chatterbox shell of self who doubts the real us- the us that is the center of who we are or who we’ve always wanted to be.  The shell of self is that someone whispers to us "the end is near" and "the best days have already past you by" it's that crazy voice creeping into our psyche telling us not bother losing weight that sneaky sneak that airs their opinion into our mind and tells us to give up that business idea because it would never work.  See settling doesn't feel good it's not how we've been programed yet because we want to just satisfy that hunger quick we make decisions quick.  So from now on think about the choices you make and ask yourself is this just wetting my palette for right now or am I seeking a long lasting forever quench to my thirst? I'm sure every time you ask yourself that question it will always be the same...longlasting always beats a quick fix.

Love & Blessings,
Buttaflibabee