Friday, May 7, 2010

RAW.

I often times find myself self medicating in order to deal with certain emotions or feelings, the reason for me self medicating is simply because I have chosen not to use food as my medication anymore. I decided today to stop self medicating because these actions were only going to make my situation and handling those situations worse. With this decision I also decided to take on some emotions, face foward as they stand. This I know will be challenging but in the end rewarding. The emotions that I speak of are very raw and intense emotions because I've been dealing with them since before my marriage, these demons would shake anyone to there core. I am currently learning how to handle my past emotions on the most real and exposed degree. Today I drove by a place that if I could demolish a building this would be it... this place is a planned parenthood, I think its called Access Health Center and it's a place that you can go and have an abortion, though I feel they should be available for individuls, my emotions run cold for this particular place. I drove by there today and bursted into tears, now mind you I think of myself as being a pretty sophisticated woman... but I lost it! Before I was married I had really bad stomach issues in fact I started going to a specialist so that I could find out what was wrong with my belly. The specialist I was going to sent me to have tons of scans and x-rays and one of those x-rays I regret to this day, I wish I wouldn't have gone through with that specific x-ray because at that time I was unknowingly pregnant. After missing my period and just knowing it would come on "any day now" my then boyfriend and I decided to get a pregnancy test and with that we found out that I was indeed pregnant. I decided at that point I needed to speak with a doctor for advice on what options were out there, even though I knew what the end result would be... either risk mental and/or physical handicaps or we could terminate the pregnancy early (5weeks). I felt as if I was all alone at this point, the only person I could talk to was my then boyfriend, who couldn't handle stress on any level, hell he would damn near have a heart attack if he had to fill out a lottery ticket. I had to do it all by myself... I went to the clinic myself... had the consultation myself... had the ultrasound myself... took the pills myself... went through the pain myself... cried myself to sleep... woke up and had the agony of knowing I had just terminated my pregnancy all by myself. That feeling comes over me time and time again hence the want and desire to self medicate, and the reason to write this post so that I can stop that cycle before it begins. I understand that the decision to have the abortion was best decision at that time but it was the hardest most difficult thing I ever had to do. My decision still haunts me to this day and I know my decision to have an abortion is the reason I hold myself back, I feel sometimes that I'm just not worthy of love so therefore I seek unavailable love, difficult love, stressful love. Which if I would just think about it, it isn't really love... it's just a reason to feel. Which is the reason I need this post... I need to feel, I need to deliver to myself what I think a man or thing is going to bring me. I must give myself the love that I am currently denying myself and not because it's a quota to fill but it is a necessity for my survival. Today as I balled my eyes out... crying to the point of hyperventilation, I realized that maybe it's my own preconceived notions that no one cares... that I'm in this alone... that I have no real love out there. Maybe it's my own preconceived notions that this pain will haunt me to the end of my life, that I won't have peace, maybe this is something I've cooked up in my own head... and by thinking it... it is. Well I will say this, today is the day of release... today my raw emotions will be able to start healing, today I will allow myself the love I deserve, today I will forgive myself for not checking first, today I will forgive myself for having an abortion. Without exposing your wound you can never heal your wound. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

5 comments:

  1. you made me cry...that is horrible that you had to experience that ALONE. i'm sure god had forgiven you a long time ago which is the most important, but you have to forgive and let go in order to move forward. love you!

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  2. Love you too Alison! This was hard to express but necessary.

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  3. I can't even imagine that. Xoxo

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  4. Myskeshia, when ever you need someone I promise I'll be there for you when ever an wherever without judgment only concern and love. Please don't hesitate to call me even if your lonely and just want to talk. I love you sweetie and whatever demon of the past or future I'll be there for the ride! Love You

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