Monday, May 17, 2010

Lessons

Lessons: something learned by study or experience.

The definition of a lesson has become extremely important to me more recently, for every lesson learned, I can understand that not only will I never go back to where I've been but that these lessons will lead me to my future...my destiny. I specifically have learned about my relationships and how they are relating directly to my addiction to food. I had a food addiction, the reason why I say I had a food addiction is because the addiction has always been the issue not the food. I was addicted to food because that was my drug of preference, at that time, but now I find myself going back to a drug of choice that I discovered while I was loosing my weight for the very first time... and that is my draw to destructive and unhealthy relationships. I have lots of friends... tons of girlfriends, and male buddies and relatives that I really enjoy and that really enjoy me. For some reason it stops there, and I begin to wonder why I deny myself the love of my friends and family at times and why do I hold my romantic relationship at a higher value than my platonic relationships? I'm pretty sure I've found my direction... not the answer... but clear direction. I, for whatever reason, feel as though I'm not enough, I know these feelings stem from my childhood. Never feeling good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, it was those feelings that fueled my addiction... and the reason I ate. The awkwardness that I felt and the lack of love (or least that was how I felt) gave me those feelings of inadequacy and hence fueled the addiction to some type of stimulus to comfort the emptiness... the imbalance. Those feelings of "I'm not good enough" is also what gave me the desire to seek undesirable relationships, because if you feel like your less than, you will go and seek the relationship that will confirm those feelings. I've been able to identify with these feelings more recently because when I get any sign of attention from someone of the opposite sex... BAM... I'm in love... or so I think I am. Really and truly that has now become my drug of preference... love, or what I think is love... I'm addicted to love, addicted to the way I think it will be... those damn movies and television shows tell me that... "ohhh love is a journey, it's not easy and sometimes weird things happen, but then all of a sudden the clouds will clear and then your happily ever after". The problem with me is that I choose the men that are not available... I dig on men that already have a girlfriend... I get attracted to men that are hoe's, or that live halfway across the damn country, or my favorite... I bank on the "possibility" of someone elses "potential greatness"...now that's some bullshit!!! Sometimes I wonder is it a wall that I've put up, I mean its not like I'm not a stupid women so why is it that I chase men that don't want to be caught, why is it that I want this crazy challenge? Is it because of those silly movies and television shows that lie to me and tell me that kind of love is attainable? Or is it my own self image that plays tricks on me and tells me go for the "long shot" cuz guess what, if you don't win you wont be that disappointed... hell you weren't supposed to win... hell it was the long shot! Back to what I said... if you think your worthless you seek worthlessness to confirm your thoughts of yourself. Hmmm now this is a revelation! Love & Blessings - Buttaflibabee

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