Saturday, June 12, 2010

From a rock to a hard place...

Living well for yourself is something that can be difficult, hard, and down right tricky. I'm not saying that we all want the worst for ourselves but lets face it...immediate satisfaction can sometimes out weigh the "living well" crap. This week I was finding myself slipping into a host of bad habits that I've been struggling with for the past year and a half. Often times I fall into a habit of the immediate gratification of things... hence the addiction to food. When you get lost in food you get wrapped up into the flavor, the texture, the smells, and the overall satisfaction of the dish. Not once during all of this bliss do you think about how this could affect your overall health or the mental condemnation you'll be laying on yourself later. All you can think about is that piece, dish, helping or scoop. Once you get the immediate satisfaction, you then sit back and realize what you've just done, at this point you begin to hate yourself and your actions. Better than that, sometimes you even have the nerve to justify your actions... you then try and tell yourself you deserved it and "it'll all balance out", is what you say, "I'll do better tomorrow", well the fact is tomorrow starts today. I have come to the realization that my addiction to food has more recently become my addiction to men and the sex they provide. Now coming to this type of realization and having the ablity to talk about it is confusing, embarrassing, because does this realization make me a hoe... or a player? I mean I'm not just getting down any kinda way but I enjoy getting down, men are generally smitten by me... they swarm around me and seek me out, but is that a good thing? I've yet to find out. The reason I understand this addiction is because I've been here before, only before it was with food. I get caught up in the desire of the act, much like my addiction to food... I enjoy the immediate satisfaction that it provides but when it's over I'm left feeling sad, depressed, and defeated. When it's all over I don't have anything to show for all the energy that just went into my indulgence, I find my self thinking...now what? Today I am in a place of awareness that my addiction to food has morphed into my addiction of men/sex/"the act"... I'm addicted to how men lust after me... I think about how I can conquer them... I reflect on how men have hurt me in the past so now I just want to hurt them. My desire to hurt men or receive hurt from men is all stemmed from feelings of not fitting in, those long ago feelings of being the fatgirl... feelings of rejection. So where do I go from here, I don't know, but I do know I've been able to change my unhealthy association with food so now it's time to reform my unhealthy assoication with men. I'm feeling good about things though... it's difficult but I know it's just a part of my journey. I understand that ultimately my experiences with obesity and how I've learned to love myself enough to put down that slice, will help me do the same when it comes to men... "Keshia put down the slice...lol". Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

3 comments:

  1. I applaud you for recognizing how you have traded one "drug" for another. Recovery is both a process and a journey filled with the potential for authentic, deep transformation. Know that I am rooting for you!

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  2. It works if you work it Babe! Growth is never easy, but it is so valuable!

    Keep it coming - I love your writing!

    ~Karm

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  3. well you, yourself have to realize what's really going on and no one can tell you different. seems like you know what and why you are doing things, you just need to decide if you want to stop or continue. love you!

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