Monday, June 21, 2010

High Definition

Okay so people have been asking me recently "why did you loose weight, what made you do it?" and I think I'm at a stage where I need to explain it to you, my readers exactly why. I've always felt good about the person that I was, even when I was my fat self... whether I was obese or not the former self was just as wonderful as the reformed self that I am now. What I realized 10 years ago was that I couldn't experience the fullness of my life being the 300lb former self. Grant it, even as my former fatgirl I knew I would still live a charmed life... blessed as some may call it but I also knew deep down inside I was going to loose my weight. I don't think it was a decision as much as it was a necessity, I eventually came to the conclusion that in order for me to experience my life completely, completely the way God intended for me to live it would require me to make some changes... the habit of compulsive eating was now exposed and the decision for change was occurring inside. My decision to shed the weight was long over due, like many life altering decisions but it happened at just the right time. I lost over 100lbs and to tell you the truth it wasn't as hard as you would think... I was simply ready...period. I can clearly remember when the wheels of change started turning in my head and the desire became reality and the way that desire became reality was the fact that there was action behind my desire. Keep in mind I was a severely obese teenager so it wasn't like all those years weren't spent dieting and obsessing about my weight, or that I didn't want to loose weight I wanted it... but I didn't desire it... the action was there but I didn't believe it could happen. Once I desired healthiness, once I desired better, once I began to see and feel that desire I thrust myself into what I knew could and would eventually happen, at that point I believed because I loved myself just that much. I lost the weight... but the complicated part wasn't just loosing the the weight, I was ready for that. The hard part was after the weight loss, after I loss weight I found myself desiring for more... I desired a relationship first, then a house, then gorgeous decor for that house, then a better job. You see before I lost my weight I thought the reason I was unhappy was because I was fat, I assumed the fat was the root of all evil... the fat was my devil. The fact was my mind was the root of my evil... my feelings of fear, feelings of loneliness, feelings of lack, and my desire to be desired is the reason I lost weight. At that point I desired more from my life and I thought losing my weight would deliver that life to me, what I didn't realize is that even though the weight loss helped me get closer it it would take a different type of change to deliver the life I truly desired. Fast forward 8 years, I'm now in a position where I am, again, desiring an even fuller experience from my life, I'm desiring and a even more vivid picture for my life... I desire more from myself... I desire fullness from life and I know that even though I've come a long way there is still more to accomplish, more evils to make peace with, more love to give, and more life to live. My existence is in in color and surround sound but I desire HD quality... high definition... and that's what I'll get. I'm pressing play... excited to see the difference! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

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