Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Yet breads eventually...

Overcoming fear and allowing life to simply flow like a river. Seems like a simple concept but this is something that is extremely hard to master. You see I've recently come to realization that it's okay to not know because thats when you really get to know God. This isn't something that I just stumbled on, nor is it some type of epiphany or aha moment, this has been revealed through a recent church sermon and a book I've been reading. The book and the sermon speaks to how we can sometimes allow fear to dictate the way we conduct our lives... we fall into a consistent habit of fearing the same things time and time again. Back when I first lost my weight I was so afraid of gaining it back... that I did, well not all of it but I did gain back about 50lbs, and that weight gain, suprisingly enough was right before I asked my ex-husband for a divorce. Now some may say that my addiction of food had reared its ugly head again, kinda like an alcoholic falling off the wagon, which was true, but I seem to think it had more to do with the fact that there was a fear of losing a mate. My whole life I was afraid of not having someone... I feared living alone, without a family and without a mate to share my life with. It was natural that I would turn to the comforts of food to soothe the guilt... ease the confusion. See if I made the problem my addiction to food again than I wouldn't have to admit to another fear.... not just the fear of being fat but more the fear of being alone. To confess and say that my marriage didn't work... you see to confess that would mean bringing back my fatgirl feelings... if I looked through the eyes of fear, then my fatgirl feelings would be confirmed. If it wasn't me just struggling with weight... if it wasn't weight then would that confirm that I wasn't attractive? That I wasn't lovable? Then I was everything fear told me I was... then I always was 2nd best. Fear is this emotion that kept me from achieving things that I knew I could accomplish... fear held me back from living, but fear is an emotion that is becoming easier to identify... now. I can sense when I'm feeling fearful of a situation... whether that be excelling at work, deepening my friendships, appreciating my family, or allowing love to enter my life. Whenever I have the feeling that the shoe will drop... that's fear... whenever I have a negative or less than positive thought about a situation... that's fear. Fear comes in many different shapes and forms but if you feel fear be present in that feeling, and ask yourself if you can power through the emotion or at least identify and acknowledge it for what it is... sometimes doing nothing is best. You may not be able to overcome fear yet... but where there's a yet... there's always an eventually. Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

3 comments:

  1. i really like that last line. good post! and cute picture:)

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  2. I feel you, one day at a time. I am still on the emotional journey of trying to loose weight and I need to loose a lot @200lbs, toying with surgery idea but it is scary and cost prohibitive. I started blogging and just couldnt handle it and then tried something else... no cute 90 day programs for me... its bad having an addiction its worse when it shows, its even worse when you have to have your drup of choice, I am proud of you and pray that you jump back on the "wagon" then drive that puppy over here because I need to be on too

    Prayers and good wishes
    Melissa Mitchell-Kline

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  3. Nice job! I might have to come back time to time and re read this one.

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