Monday, March 29, 2010
Dress rehearsal... ugh!!!
I found myself saying this to myself earlier to today… “Now Keshia, don’t be stupid, or ignorant or crazy! You've been here and done that before so you know how the story goes, and you know how you are… so don’t act new!” Basically I make the same mistake time and time again, I end up liking a guy and the guy is unable to reciprocate for whatever reason. Either he is a complete asshole like the rebound boyfriend, he's not a good fit for me and can’t match up up with my needs, desires and my quest for continuous improvement, like the ex-husband. He’s your best friend so he doesn’t even see you that way… like my best friend, or my favorite… the guy is young and you need to chill, and guess what… chillin’ sucks! At this point I have to admit to myself -I am frustrated, sad, depressed and just plain pissed about my relationship or non-relationship situation. Often times I wonder and I ask God why is it that love just don’t seem to love me... and I feel quite the contrary about love, I love love soooo very much? Why is it that love seems inches away from my grasp? Basically why does love seem so damn unattainable? The reasons why these questions bother me so much is because I know I am an awesome individual… a phenomenal woman… a queen, so that leads me to my next question… where is my king? I am at a place and time in my life where I am embracing ever inch of my being and falling in love with myself for the first time and even though my transformation is unbelievable I would really love to share my wonderful discoveries with someone. But then I find the same issue repeating itself… with one exception... my quality has improved (haha...hell yea it has!!!) but still I have yet to feel loves embrace. I've yet had the chance to sink my teeth into love... at least not yet. Just as I'm typing this post I'm realizing that maybe God wants this development period in my life to be strictly within myself for myself. Hmmm maybe God wants me to continue my discoveries alone... heck maybe God feels that if I had a man in my life right now I would become distracted from my focus of balance, growth and personal rebirth. Seriously y'all I am trying to be a patient calm woman but I must admit I occasionally wonder when will it be my turn? I mean... we all know the saying "practice makes perfect" and I am aware that in order to have perfection you must practice, practice, practice… but hell... a sister’s emotions can only handle a dress rehearsal for so long! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee