Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Deletion leads to Completion.

I used walk through life and look at television, movies for what's next... I read books, newspapers & magazines to see what's hot in entertainment, what celebrities are wearing, buying & doing. This all came at a cost when what I saw I also wanted, thinking that for some reason that item, person, or image could also bring me happiness. I felt and feel this way from time to time, and lets face it, until my life came crashing down in summer of 2008 this is how I lived & thought all the time. Ever since I could remember I was that girl who thought if I had a cute outfit, a skinny body, and a fine boyfriend... then hell I was "happy". I would feel so rejected when I was fat that I strived to be skinny... and did just that, I knew I had fashion so not so much of a problem there, which meant all I needed was that fine boyfriend.... and I got that. My exhusband is very handsome and would be ideal husband material... for someone else, we are friends now so we understand we were both half-full souls trying to "complete" each other... let me tell you, it doesn't work. Though divorce was hard, understanding my new life was harder, when I lost my marriage and had to, once again, be single... I often times would think- "how do I do this?.... me... single again?... really?... am I REALLY single???...WTF!" At some point I realized it was intended for me to purge... delete... and be with self, at this time I knew God wanted me to understand what I was all about. Soooo right now, today, I am a 33 yr old woman living at home with my parents and I really enjoy it... honestly. In deleting unnecessary-ness I've freed my soul and emancipated myself from what I thought of as happiness. I lost my marriage, my job and my house all at the same time, I gained about 30 pounds, which means I even lost my "reformed-ness"... my identity, and to top it all off I had to move back home with "The Parents"... but for the first time I feel complete... funny as it sounds. In the beginning it wasn't easy I fought the obvious... hell I was a grown ass child all over again so my independence was in question, and everything I thought I was I now was not, all my "stuff" was now consolidated into a 10x10 storage unit, a bedroom, bathroom, and my car. Since editing, deleting & consolidating the "things" from my life I wake up with just me, myself and I, but the peace that I have is indescribable, I wake up with a much simpler outlook on life... I just do the best I can do... I don't over complicate things anymore. Most of us feel as though a certain person, job, house, or form of love will bring success and completion in our lives... well I'm here to explain it's the exact opposite. Completion comes when you are standing around and it's just you... completion comes when all you have to lean on is what you came in the world with... if you lucky you have family, parents, siblings, but for some it's just you, and thats ok too. If you look inward and upward for completion you will find you already have it, and if you feel like your life is lacking or is empty there is absolutely nothing... I repeat nothing that will fill that emptiness but you. To put it simply... halves never make a whole, no matter how many "halves" you have. .... Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

2 comments:

  1. love it! that's a good realization for sure!

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  2. i'm just catching up on all your posts...i really love this one! very powerful.
    xoxo

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