Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Raining or Sunshine... I don't mind.

Living without expectations... sounds crazy but this is exactly how I'm choosing to live my life these days. I want the best and plan on living my life with "soul intentions", meaning I ask the question "what will my soul want me to do?.... will this bring joy or pain to my soul?"... this how I intend on living my life today and everyday. I have begun my search for a plastic surgeon, and coming into this type of decision and also committing myself to this type of change in my life has me looking at the world differently. I feel my nephew has a lot to do with this shift in living, this year my nephew has grown into such a little boy with such a big personality, he exudes joy and humor... what love radiates from me when I'm with him, such intense love. Right now just thinking about his laughter makes me cry... of course not in a sad way, but in a happy way. I think about his little life and I think about how fast days, and weeks, and months, and years go by. My nephew's learned so much, he now can talk and repeat words, he can now walk without stumbling (well not too much), he can feed himself...all of this within a year. I think about when my nephew first learned how to walk and how afraid yet excited he was about the discovery of walking, just think, being able to do what everyone else was doing, I remember how the thought of mobility, was for him, pure nervous energy. That's where I am... I love life, love my body, I breath in the day excited about what it will bring, simply living by the principle of "no expectations" makes living so much easier. I mean- if I'm blessed with my bodylift than great... but lets just say I freak out (it is major surgery), or insurance decides not to cover it (the surgery is cosmetic) and financially I can't afford it, or for whatever reason I just don't get around to it. All of the outcomes I listed could happen, just like outcomes could happen in the reverse... I could be approved through my insurance, I could have an awesome surgeon that will ease my fears. All of the outcomes are variables to what could or could not happen in my life but living with the feeling of "no expectations" is just that... peace with any and all variables. I lived life with too many expectations once, of those expectations I would get my feelings hurt... I would freeze up, I would cancel any positive thoughts because for some reason I felt that didn't happen to me, I focused so much on the the expectation that I wouldn't do the work to get there, then of course, feelings of defeat would settle in and disrupt the pathway to success. When it came to opportunities they were always there and abundant but when it came to having the confidence to succeed in those opportunities, that's where I would fall short. I would allow sucesses to slip through my fingers... I would doubt myself, have too many expectations on the paticular job, or the relationship or, **you fill in the blank**. So today I choose to not give a fuck... I appreciate everything and live with gratitude... but I don't give a fuck about outcomes... I surrender those to God, or the Source, or **you fill in the blank**. Of course I want the best but lets think rationally, you can't control everything... so throwing caution to the wind is when you get the most honest results. I keep integrity I do whats right, but I also say what I feel and feel what I say, at work I do my job enjoy it and I am thankful for the position. In relationships I love everyone, I open my heart wider to my friends... but there are no expectations on those relationships. I want a family but I don't want a husband just to have a family, I surrender to future opportunities of making a decision with a man, a partner, a husband to create a family together. I want a bodylift, a new body, for this life I want to run and not feel things (skin) yanking me down, I want to look in the mirror and not be reminded of my old self... I've grown, I've learned how to walk... so why would I want to be forced to crawl? Wanna to know my favorite part of my day??? The morning, because every morning, I love to get up and see what the day will bring, whether the weather is sunny or rainy, it's a good day. The freshness of the day lifts me up, just like those mornings, I am blessed if it's raining or sunny... I've endured the rainy days and appreciate it for the nourishment it provided. I honestly think I've gone through so many rainy days so that I could show God my reaction to those rainy days. Now God is preparing me for sunshine... so lemme go get my shades! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

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