Sunday, September 5, 2010

You Sneaky lil Devil...

At times I've been stubborn, at times I've been mean, at times I've been bossy, and at times I've been simply a bitch.  I say this to explain that I've said and done things that I regret and I usually apologize for it later (or at least I apologize in my head).  The reason for me explaining this side of me is to help explain when you (me) are detoxing... or removing an illness or addiction you lash out, generally to the ones you love the most and your past actions become an embarrassment to your newly discovered soul.  Today I'm reflecting on my biggest addiction/illness... it was a hidden addiction, this illness was disguised as a food addiction...  the illness manifested through depression.... both food and depression were the effect but jealousy was the cause.  Jealousy. I wasn't ever expecting the illness of jealousy to be my true demon, hell it's sneaky ass would dress up as everything else... yeah a real devil!  Jealousy used to thrive in my body (and still does occasionally)... it would warm me on the inside and leak out of my pores... or at least that's how it felt.  As a teenager I was extremely jealous of my big brother, for good reason,  he was the "good child" so of course I was jealous of the attention that he received.  Instead of attracting attention through good grades or being obedient, like my brother, I would seek attention by poor performance in school, acting out, and not doing what I was told.  This sneaky devil jealousy followed me throughout my life and it never apologized for it's earth shattering affect, not until last week... seriously... last week.  Last week I got the courage to call jealousy out on the carpet, I was know longer embarrassed to admit I was jealous.  At this point I'm ok with whatever people think of me because now I know me better than ever before... so hell yea... I can admit... I was a jealous bitch!  Know longer am I afraid to call it what it is, my entire life was structured... built... flourished... and eventually crumbled due to jealousy, the big bad secret is knowlonger a secret & has no place to hide.  I still feel jealous from time to time but when those feelings come over me... when I feel my face warm, my arms tingle, my heart race... I know it's jealousy and I am equip with the awareness to allow it to pass... don't fight with it just allow that feeling to pass.  Jealousy will consume you if you allow it... it will mask & hide under a veil of "love" when all it really is... is hate.  Jealousy is something that we all feel, but when you admit to yourself that it holds a place occasionally in your life then it will never consume you. The potential love you have to give... you will give it freely and without agenda or selfish intentions.  So love even if it doesn't involve you... love especially if it excludes you... because eventually love will kick jealousy's crazy ass!  Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

1 comment:

  1. being honest with ourselves (and not hiding it or pretending we don't feel as we do) is the first step to our total healing & restoration! You are so awesome Buttaflibabee! I am so grateful to know you and I appreciate these blogs!