Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Yesterday was scary, and I mean scary! If I was my former self I would've been stuck in the refrigerator half the night eating mindlessly to ease my fears and the feelings of terror that was consuming me. Feelings of inadequacies is my devil, it is the thing that I've felt since I was a 10 year old 250lb little girl who had to weigh in front of the whole class. It is the thing that made me think that my weight was my devil, that if I fixed my weight... if I lost the weight then my devil would go away. I know that I am talented but time after time I haven't let those talents shine due to feelings of inadequacies, I sing and the reasons I don't is because of those feelings of not being good enough. I remember going to a state solo competition and actually sabotaging my chances at winning an award because I didn't think I was good enough. Now I'm at a crossroads in my life where I can feel these feelings as they approach me I know that if they creep upon me I have to acknowledge them or else I won't be able to overcome them ever. I can see now that I hold myself back, that I am so stuck in passive aggressiveness that it paralyzes me, that I am holding myself back from everything I ever wanted in life... PERIOD! I'm not saying that this was something that happened over night it has been a progression of how I was feeling when I stood in front of the class in 5th grade and was humiliated. These feelings come from a place of when other classmates were doing things and they were not including me... because for what I could only equate to was my obesity. I love my new position in life I love where I am working and I love where I am in the world, but I still battle the thoughts & feelings of "less than" the feelings of "not enough" the feelings that if I'm too straight forward and too upfront that people won't like me. If I really go for what I want, if I really unleash my talents then I open the door to scrutiny, pressure and attention. Do I really want that? Yes I do, am I afraid? Yes I am... but I know that it is now time to live the way God intended for me to live! Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

2 comments:

  1. You are growing just to write about what you are feeling. Do you know how huge this blog is? Do you really know? I bet you do. Hugs from me to you, my dear one. Huge hugs. So many women yearn to make the progress that you have and you are their she-ro, big time. I respect you and I am inspired by you.

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  2. Thank you Roz... we continue to inspire each other! **hugs**

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