Thursday, April 22, 2010

Void... really?

Today I read my daily "Message from God" on facebook and it said... instead of shutting my eyes to my problems I should open my eyes & heart to them for this is how you will face and conquer those problems. In reading that I began to think about my own problems, which problems I've been able to conquer (or at least in progressively conquering)and which problems I'm still closing my eyes to. The first problem I began to think about is my fear of success, I have talents that are definitely gifts from God and yet I have so much fear inside of me that it's a shame I am not allowing these talents to flourish. The next problem I've shut my eyes to is the fact that there is a void in my life that I still feel the need to fill with "things", whether those "things" are food, men, alcohol or sex I still turn to "things" to provide a level of fulfillment. I used to be a compulsive eater and I remember when I was in the thick of my compulsion I would literally go unconscious while I was eating... I would then wake up after the fact with half of a cake gone or five pieces of pizza devoured, I would be dazed and confused not remembering how I got there. Now this desire is taking a different form, sometimes it's lust... I have such an insatiable appetite for sex that sometimes I get caught up with wanting it like a drug... but what void is that filling? At one point the desire took the form of alcohol and going out, I wanted to go out all the time, get drunk and just have what I thought of as fun, even though- much like the food, I would wake up not remembering the so called "fun" I just had. I now find myself back to lust... lusting men that really should not be on my radar... not because they're bad but because they are just not right for me, either we don't see eye to eye on matters or they're life is just too complicated for me to try and figure out. I sometimes find myself wanting to force myself into their world, even though common sense would tell me to just leave it alone, walk away and just be at peace. Whatever reason I find myself lusting... lusting after this so called "relationship thing" that everybody wants. I can't deny that I want to be held, comforted and loved by a man that can handle me, my mouth (I talk a lot), my strength (I'm pretty tall, strong, and direct), and also my compassion (I can be a cry baby). I can't deny that this void that I feel is manifesting itself in a desire to have a relationship and therefore I am desiring undesirable relationships. Why? I don't know... that is the question. Whatever my void is, whatever that quest maybe, the simple fact that it has been acknowledged will give me peace in releasing it to Gods hands. Ahhhhh I feel better already! Love & Blessings. -Buttaflibabee

1 comment:

  1. Wow, deep.

    Signed: Mocha Freeze