Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Questions???

I often ask myself "why was I born fat?" I know your not supposed to question God, but sometimes I can't help but ask. I used to think that if I would just fix being fat then all of a sudden everything would be perfect and things would just work out perfectly (whatever that's supposed to mean). Even right now I still ask the question "why was I born fat?", but as Deepak Chopra says "you have to live in the questions, and by living in the questions you'll find the answers". When I was married it was a very confusing time I would wonder, is this it... is this really it? Not because I didn't love my ex-husband, but because I knew that it wasn't right, I knew that he wasn't my husband, the one I was supposed to marry. A friend of mine, who is also my personal trainer, once told me "Keshia your over thinking the exercise... if it don't feel right, it ain't right!" and that's exactly how it was for me while I was married. My marriage just didn't "feel" right. To my fellow blog followers I feel that I am in a position where I can comfortably confess this to you all... I have never been in love, yep, that's right, I have never been in love. I've been in lust, I have been in heavy like, and maybe even infatuation... but never in love. So that brings me back to my original question... why was I born fat? Of course being fat didn't "feel right" and so I changed it, neither did my marriage and so I changed that as well, but when will love "feel right"? I think about love and the feelings attached to love all the time, I sometimes think I want that more than, food, money or sex... I want that more than anything else in the world. I had something similar to that when I was married but it wasn't it, it was waaaaayyyy to complicated. Maybe it's me, but isn't love supposed to just flow? I mean, I know there's gonna be differences but is it really supposed to be work? Hell I don't even want my work to feel like work. Is it supposed to be hard? I know God has placed a love for me in this world, that will not be complicated. Here's the formula ...you want the best for him... he wants the best for you... add some respect, integrity, trust, humor, and joy... mix it all together and... WHAAAAMOOOOO... LOVE! Yes it's true, I am 30 something, so I'm not living in a fairy-tale I just really and truly know that that is that. When I get there it's going to simply "feel right". So why was I born fat? I still don't know but in all honesty I think I'm getting warmer... Love & Blessings. - Buttaflibabee

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